Strength

Tonight I attended the first of a series of bereavement recovery groups. One of the things I heard isthat everyone processes through loss differently and that may be part of the reason people do not know what to say to you after a loss. I have had the most difficulty dealing with people who tell me to “be strong”. I am not sure the reason I am so offended by that statement. Perhaps, because for me, it discounts my feelings of sadness as if being sad somehow relates to me being weak. In fact, it is completely the opposite for me. It is when I express my pure, raw, emotion that I feel most strength.

I am grateful I went tonight. I believe for a moment before I walked out the door tonight I considered not going. The one thing I learned in the many years of counseling and recovery is that others who are walking the journey beside you are of the most help. People who have been where you are and have felt what you have felt seem to be the most credible witness.

I feel so much strength from this…..and have such appreciation for this process.

Solutions…..they exist.

No Re-election

I was sad to hear the news this morning that Representative Patrick Kennedy, (D-RI) will not seek re-election. As a fellow traveler on a similar journey as my own he has helped the addiction and mental health field in countless ways. Perhaps, he will continue to assist in the cause, as he indicates in the video message he released this morning, in a different manner.

I remember when I first heard him speak at a NAADAC advocacy conference. His story moved me and caused me to reflect on what I was doing to promote the very field in which I work. I changed my involvement after meeting him. For that, I am grateful.

I wish him well and look forward to meeting the other Representatives and Senators who will take on this important cause.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLzr-4MMyDc

Splendor

"...The radiance which was once so bright is now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass of glory in the flower we will grieve not rather find strength in what remains behind..."

"Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous."

-Margery Allingham, The Tiger in the Smoke, 1956

Nutty Pancakes

I made these today and wanted to share the recipe. I liked them. My 9 year old didn't. But he doesn't like nuts and almond flour does have that crushed nut texture.

Makes 10 Pancakes

1 1/2 Cups Almond Flour
2 Large Eggs
1/2 Cup Club Soda
2 Tablespoons heavy cream

Combine ingredients until blended. Spoon about 2 tablespoons into an oiled hot skillet or griddle. Spread to make a 3-inch circle. Cook as for regular pancakes, turning gently to prevent breaking.

Per serving:
121 Calories
10g Fat
5g Protein
0g Sugar
4g Carb
2g Fiber
Net carbs: 2

I topped mine with blueberries. I also made a topping of pineapple and cream cheese. My son didn't like any of that!

Everyone Hurts

In sadness I find myself isolating. I tell myself stories that I believe. I tell myself that I should be “over it by now” or I should be “moving on by now”. I even tell myself that you – those of you who love me – are tired of my sadness.

This weekend I had coffee with someone who inspires me. She told me two months ago to remember that when I was ready she was available to support me. I took her up on it this week. I will leave out the self-loathing comments relating to my waiting two months to make the move.

I really enjoyed talking with her. She lost someone close a year ago. She told me it is still difficult for her. That was the permission I needed to be exactly where I am today. However, “exactly where I am” changes moment to moment. The last week has been more difficult than the previous two and a half months. But today was a little better.

I dreamt of my mom for the first time on Saturday. I shall not delve into the message I received through that dream but I have to tell you that we were driving a pink Kia Soul with yellow headlights. I told her it looked like one of her favorite drinks, pink lemonade. I think experiencing laughter with her, even if in dreams now, is exactly what I needed.

Late last summer I learned a very important lesson about human nature. I learned that everyone struggles. I learned that everyone has doubts about themselves. At times everyone is fearful that they don’t measure up. Which makes perfect sense to me, as I subscribe to the idea that a sense of belonging, or lack thereof, is one of the biggest driving forces in negative behaviors.

Having reconfirmed that I am governed by the same laws of human nature was a breath of fresh air.

I hurt. I struggle. I grow.

Washington, DC trip

In two weeks I will be in Washington, DC for "Lead Trainer's Training" with NAADAC. I feel very honored to have been asked and am excited about the upcoming training. It will prepare me to train others internationally. I will have the opportunity to travel to Thailand and Kenya. NAADAC is such an incredible association and they do so much for the addiction profession. I am so grateful to be part of it.

My NAADAC memories:


2007 at the Advocacy in Action conference....waiting at our hotel to go to the hill to make visits to our representatives!


2008 at the Train the Trainer on Co-Occurring Disorders training in NAADAC's new building!

Salt Lake City, Utah 2009 National NAADAC conference, visiting USA Olympic Village in Park City with Greg Lovelidge, Editor of Recovery Today.

Procession

Yesterday I sat at a stop light for longer than the light. A funeral procession was going through the intersection. Seeing anything that has to do with death right now has a different meaning than it did to me before. I thought of the pain the family must be going through. No matter the reason a person passes, I assume it is difficult to someone. In the time it took the procession to pass by I had a moment to turn off my radio, have thoughts run through my head and answer my son’s questions about the reason everyone stops as a funeral motorcade passes.

As quickly as that time passed, it was over. The fact that it was quick made such an impact on me. It affected me because I thought of that family. For the family and those very close to that person, it isn’t over. It has just begun. With tears streaming down my face, I drove down the road thinking of what life really means. Of how quickly life passes by and in wonderment of just how swiftly the world forgets that you were here.

It brought to my thoughts my mom, of course. I thought of what an influence she was on our family. She never spoke publicly. She wasn’t on television or radio. She didn’t impact everyone in the world. But she made such a difference to us. I called to mind a quote on a card I gave her once. She loved it and said she found it very true. The quote was, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world”.

So she was.

Being

Today has been one of “those days”. And I can’t put my finger on the reason. That is frustrating to me. I like to know why things happen. The morning was rushed and I had difficulty with my son. He is usually a rule follower but this morning he decided to be sassy. I am not sure if I were more disappointed in the fact that he leaned toward being disobedient or that his facial expression and “huffing” noise in response to my direction took me back to a nine year old Paula.

When I returned home from taking him to school I wept. I didn’t even know the reason. Again, not knowing why it was happening got the best of me. Perhaps, there are a multitude of reasons. Perhaps, just something I cannot explain.

I have been ready for the day to be over since it started yet I sit here sleepless with less than an hour of it left. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Life. It has been amazing to me what I take in and notice when I am not in a hurry. When I slow down long enough to think and feel….it is overwhelming. But it is doable. I go back to what I said in this very blog a little more than two months ago….and retract it….”I need to get busy doing”.

What a blessing this time away from “doing” has been. I have learned a great deal in the not doing and the just being.

I am back to basics. And I like it.

Family

Today is Sunday. I am sitting in the kitchen at my mom's house. This weekend we had my great niece's here for a sleepover with my sonshine for his 9th birthday. We didn't plan a party with his classmates this year because of the uncertainty that was happening during the time we usually do our party planning. We decided that we would have a party in Central Texas and invite "the girls" to spend the night. When mom was in the hospital we talked about maybe renting a hotel with an indoor pool to stay in but after she passed away having the party at her house seemed perfect. And it was.

Each time we are here there is a feeling that she is with us. I am not sure if that keeps me from moving forward or if it keeps moving forward less painful. But I think we all enjoyed it. My sister helped so much. She is always helpful with the kids. She thinks of creative and special ways to make events even more memorable. She is someone constant in my life. I can tell her when I am sad and she understands. She can also laugh with me when it is appropriate.

This weekend was a little bit of laughter and a little bit of tears. Knowing mom won't be with us as we celebrate any future birthdays is difficult. She had never missed one before. But sitting at her kitchen table last night laughing like we always have was perfect. Our oldest great niece was sitting with us. She played "cool" music for us on her IPOD and tried to teach us new dances. I laughed so hard my side ached! Looking at her sitting with the grown ups now instead of being in the other room playing with the kids reminded me that time moves forward. She is growing up, she is moving into a role I was once in and my sister and I are moving into new roles.

Even my aunt and uncle came to the party. It crossed my mind that it had been the first time they had been to mom's house since she passed away. My brother and sister in law came, too. My nephew sent his regrets that he couldn't come because he had some other obligations. Just hearing that he thought enough about coming to his 9 year old cousins birthday when he is a 20 year old college guy shows me his commitment to family. Having family around is something perpetual. Regardless of who those family members are, I know there will always be family.

Feeling grateful.

New Venture

I am excited about what 2010 has in store. While it took the loss of a job to push me in this direction, it is becoming clearer each day that I am to captain my own vessel.

While I always have always been available to conduct training in the past, I am gearing up for a bigger venture now. I have begun consulting and training with agencies and individuals again. My focus will be on site visits to treatment centers and practices where there is need of some guidance, compliance or simply direction. I will be auditing, training and developing curriculum. I will also continue writing policy and procedure.

Once I find the office space I am looking for I will also begin taking clients for assessment, referral and individual counseling. I will also continue being consulted in dealing with crisis events as they occur.

I will also put more time and energy into legislative advocacy and supporting my field through involvement with TAAP and NAADAC.

Very exciting!

9 Years Old

My sonshine is nine today. Is that a typo? NINE? Can he really be that old? He tells me it is true. Wow, time goes by so quickly. One day he will tire of the story I tell the day before his birthday every year. How I expected him before Christmas but after days in the hospital with doctors coaxing him out organically they sent me home. And it wasn't until the 10th of January that the doctor said, "we have good news and bad news". The good news was that he would be arriving on the eleventh. The bad news, he said, was that he would have to come by cesarean section. Since the boy weighed 10 1/2 pounds I should be grateful for that!

While this is a sad time in our lives, we will still have a great birthday. His grandmother will not be here for the first time on his birthday but we are having a party at her house so we can feel her presence. We will go somewhere for dinner tonight. And tomorrow we are going to the school's fund raising evening event together.

Happy Birthday, "baby boy"!

Two Months

Today is two months since mom died. I still think about calling her every day. There are things I want to ask her and things I want to tell her. The things that surprise me are the times that I become emotional. Friday it was in CVS. Yesterday it was at the bank. This morning it is just sitting here in front of the computer.

I miss her intensely. I don’t always know how to express these feelings. I feel so grateful that I had such a wonderful mother. I feel grateful that we had a close relationship. I am thankful she knew and had a relationship with my son.

The anger has passed. I am not angry that she died. I still experience some shock at times. The thought that she fought so hard against cancer and died because of a car wreck still causes astonishment. That part is hard to grasp. Regardless of the circumstance, she is still gone.

This has taken the wind out of me for a while. I know things will always be different and right now I am simply searching for the new normal.

People have told me to be strong. And I am. I do not feel weak when I express my sadness. It feels ordinary for me to express my feelings. If I were happy all the time I don’t think anyone would be concerned. But, I don’t know anyone honest with themselves who is always happy.

I have gotten out and among colleagues and friends more since coming back after the holidays. I am ready to begin again. I am just fully aware that it will be different.

In transition.

Friday Again

Just to update those who were interested....the detox did not happen. After three days of beginning it I didn't even have carrot juice today. I do plan to return to the detox when I have an appropriate juicer. I still like the concept and after only a few days have an affinity for carrot and beet juice!

Today was a productive day related to my career. While I am searching for the way I want to spend the rest of my life I decided that I don't have to stay completely out of my field. Instead, I am going to begin working on a few projects immediately. I will be developing some plans with trusted colleagues and outline that soon.

More will be revealed.

Big Day

Today was a big day because it was the busiest day I have had in a while.

The day started with making a quick shepherd costume for my son that he had to wear to the Epiphany mass at his school today. I knew before he went on Christmas break that he needed the costume today but I put it off until two hours before the big event. With a few adjustments to two white pillow cases...tada! Shepherd. He did a beautiful reading during the service. I was very proud of him.


I attended the monthly Dallas TAAP meeting. It was announced that we would not have our annual Nova conference. That is a big disappointment. I have enjoyed working on that conference for several years; but, it is a sign of the times, perhaps. Most people cannot afford to pay for a conference and those who can can't take the time off work to attend.

Following the meeting I had a great and productive phone conversation and I sat up a few meetings for the next week. I even sold my sofa today!

I went to the weekly DI meeting my son attends. The group did very well today. They worked together well and are developing a great team.

As far as my detox goes...the results were similar to yesterday. I did very well all day but when I came home I ate something on the "nope" list. I am not proud. But, I am honest. One day I will go a full 24 hours doing the "right thing". I promise to tell you when that happens.

Until then.....