January 10, 2010

Two Months

Today is two months since mom died. I still think about calling her every day. There are things I want to ask her and things I want to tell her. The things that surprise me are the times that I become emotional. Friday it was in CVS. Yesterday it was at the bank. This morning it is just sitting here in front of the computer.

I miss her intensely. I don’t always know how to express these feelings. I feel so grateful that I had such a wonderful mother. I feel grateful that we had a close relationship. I am thankful she knew and had a relationship with my son.

The anger has passed. I am not angry that she died. I still experience some shock at times. The thought that she fought so hard against cancer and died because of a car wreck still causes astonishment. That part is hard to grasp. Regardless of the circumstance, she is still gone.

This has taken the wind out of me for a while. I know things will always be different and right now I am simply searching for the new normal.

People have told me to be strong. And I am. I do not feel weak when I express my sadness. It feels ordinary for me to express my feelings. If I were happy all the time I don’t think anyone would be concerned. But, I don’t know anyone honest with themselves who is always happy.

I have gotten out and among colleagues and friends more since coming back after the holidays. I am ready to begin again. I am just fully aware that it will be different.

In transition.

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