March 26, 2012

Co-Dependent again

The stuff I read about codependency in the 90’s really mucked me up. Don’t get me wrong, I needed it then, no doubt. And I don’t regret learning to take care of myself and be independent. Maybe I just overlearned it. I went from a meek care-taker to being an independent, shout it from the roof tops, woman who needed no one.

And some of that mess stuck too hard.

While I value the knowledge that I don’t need anyone and can make it on my own, I now have to remind myself (yes, sometimes out loud) that it is okay to want someone. I found myself front-loading disclaimers this weekend when talking to a girlfriend. “I know this doesn’t sound healthy to independent women but….”

I know I am healthier than I have ever been. I have to re-program myself. Damn you co-dependent bashers.

I find myself questioning my own sanity when I do things to make someone else happy. If I decide not to attend an event in order to go somewhere with someone I care about I think, “Is this healthy”? “Is this codependent”? Goodness gracious. It just is. Wanting to make someone happy when you care about them isn’t the end of the world. I do know the difference between putting another person before me when it is harmful and putting another person before me in order to compromise.

Maybe the pendulum is swinging back to the center. I am not the center of the universe. I can compromise. And giving is a beautiful thing.

I smiled today thinking back to the 90's. One of the most independent women I knew back then looked into my eyes and told me one day I was going to be a mom. I shrugged. She told me I could play independent roaring woman all I wanted but I was cut out for a committed relationship with a man, a home, and children. I poo-poo'd the idea of domestic bliss. Guess what I learned over spring break? I love staying home, cleaning, cooking and running errands.

Now I need therapy to undo all the therapy.

March 10, 2012

Love Crazy Love

I watched the movie, Crazy Love today. It was sad. A man and woman fell in love. They were from different countries. Because of a visa issue they had to spend time apart.

During that time instead of growing closer by talking through their feelings, they allowed distance and fear to drive a wedge between them.

The love was so passionate. Neither were happy with anyone else. But when a time came that they were able to be together, too much had been left unsaid. Too much time had passed and too much hurt filled their hearts.

Yes, it was only a movie. But not far from a reality I've seen and even experienced. We can get through anything if we can just keep our hearts, ears and mouths open.

Love isn't crazy.