April 22, 2009


I am moving this weekend. I have spent the last year planning this departure. For at least three months I have been boxing and deciding what I need to rid myself of. Yet, I sit here today thinking how unprepared I am. There are still items that haven't been boxed. My movers have still not called to confirm and I cannot find their phone number. Mostly, I am sad. I love this house and I will miss it. But it is time to move forward and I am ready for that part.


April 12, 2009


The last two weeks have provided me with insight at lightening speed. About twelve years too late!

I had dinner with one of my old friends on Friday night. I went to her house to pick her up. When she walked out the door I jumped out of my car a quickly as I could to hug her. She was beautiful. She looked like she hadn't aged at all. But as we talked I realized we are both much older with wisdom than we were the last time we saw one another.

As I sat across from her I began realizing how many years I missed out on her life. I love her. She was a wonderful friend and I have so many memories with her. Friday was an opportunity for me to be a living amends to someone I really hurt and it was long overdue.

I had many enlightenment's while preparing for and in the midst of Friday. One of the things I had affirmed was that I cannot regret the past. Each experience I have had has aided in my becoming who I am. And I like who I am. Another thing I learned was that while I have run from my hometown for most of my life there is a great deal of value to being there again.

I have known before but know in a new way now that I have a lot to learn about what it means to be a friend. It is an area I still struggle with and want to continue to grow.

Finally, I was able to confirm that I have changed. The person I am today is merely a hint of who I was fifteen or sixteen years ago. Although, I have verbalized that I wish I could have learned the lessons I learned in my twenties in a two-day seminar instead of going through the pain of those years, I actually understand the need to go through the process.

Happy Easter.

April 06, 2009

Passed the Past

This week I am going to see some women I haven't seen in fifteen years. I have fear about that. I am anxious to see them. I have thought of them many times throughout the years. But seeing people from my past brings some negative anxiety to my mind, as well.

It is my fault that we are no longer friends. I was a very selfish person and I did not do the things I needed to nurture those relationships. In recovery I have often taken the stance of "the past has passed" and try not to turn back. At the same time I remember the lessons learned from the mistakes of the past.

In examining my fear I have realized that I am fearful of the intimacy close friendships bring and require. That is more of a revelation to me now than I had imagined. I am an open book most days. If someone asks me a question I will answer. Honesty is woven into my core -- sometimes to a fault. But being honest and open about myself doesn't necessarily mean I allow the capacity for intimacy.

I was ready for a break from this insight. No such luck.

Anxious about the past.

April 04, 2009

Sonny Sonshine

That is what I call my son. He is the best. Yesterday he allowed me the privilage of going to see a Thomas the Train exhibit. We rode the train. He was worried he was too old so we said it was he who was going with me. What a sweetheart. My life is better because of him.

Peace and sonshine!