April 06, 2009

Passed the Past

This week I am going to see some women I haven't seen in fifteen years. I have fear about that. I am anxious to see them. I have thought of them many times throughout the years. But seeing people from my past brings some negative anxiety to my mind, as well.

It is my fault that we are no longer friends. I was a very selfish person and I did not do the things I needed to nurture those relationships. In recovery I have often taken the stance of "the past has passed" and try not to turn back. At the same time I remember the lessons learned from the mistakes of the past.

In examining my fear I have realized that I am fearful of the intimacy close friendships bring and require. That is more of a revelation to me now than I had imagined. I am an open book most days. If someone asks me a question I will answer. Honesty is woven into my core -- sometimes to a fault. But being honest and open about myself doesn't necessarily mean I allow the capacity for intimacy.

I was ready for a break from this insight. No such luck.

Anxious about the past.

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