October 31, 2008

Saint Mass

Today was the second grade St. Mass. The Bishop said the mass. My boy dressed as Saint William, who was a priest who stood up to the king. He was adorable. This afternoon is the Halloween party. I get to go back and do that with him! Tonight is trick or treating and the main street festival. What a great weekend.
Enjoy all Hallow's Eve.

October 30, 2008

Season Opener

Season started. Mavs fans beware.


Do you ever feel judged? I guess we all are. I guess we all do it. I have two people in my life that seem to believe they not only know what decisions I should make but believe that treating me poorly as a result of my decisions is the right thing to do. Not to mention that neither of them have the courtesy to actually speak to ME about this. I was angry at first. Then I was hurt. One of them I have known for years. The other I don't know really well and don't like anyway so it doesn't bother me as much. Now I just feel sorry for them. When I look at their lives I am actually grateful now. They are sad, isolated and disliked by many. Maybe I should be happier that they don't approve of me, huh?

Judge and jury.

October 29, 2008

Veterans Day

Soon it will be Veteran's Day.

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America'
for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand it.'

October 28, 2008

Nothing Bad

I have absolutely nothing to gripe about today. My work is caught up. My homework is complete for the week (and not even due until Friday). The weather is exactly the way I like it. My hair isn't even wrong.

The most bizarre thing I have found in this "wondrous day" is how much better I write when there is some chaos. Oh, the work I have left to do to be healthy. :)

Once I dated a guy who I let read my poetry. It was written my first year of sobriety. He called it "apocalyptic". He said he couldn't believe I didn't shoot myself during that time. I am surprised that I didn't either. Actually, writing is such a release for me. I think that is how I make it all make sense or get out the things that never will.

Great day.

October 27, 2008

How about you?

How about you?

I had been working a recovery program for more than five years before I embraced the idea of self-forgiveness. I was many things of the self, self-loathing, self-deprecating, self-injurious, self-defeating, but not self-forgiving.

I had the ingredients for success through attending and working a 12-step program, being honest in therapy and developing a support network. Still, there was a nagging in me that I could not seem to release. I continued believing things could be different but possibly not feel different. I attended a self-introspective program that was more in depth than any work I had previously completed. It was during these days and weeks of involvement in this journey that I began to see a need to change my approach.

For most of my life I had been responsible for the outcome of many things. Typically, I felt most responsible for the way others felt and behaved. That feeling was entwined with my feelings and behaviors. I believed I had the ability to change another person. Yet, time and time again, I failed at this task.

My first boyfriend was abusive. I could forgive him because he had a drug problem. Two of my good friends fled from my life shortly after I became sober. I could forgive them. I would have fled, too. My dad died when I was only 25. Forgiveness was easy. It wasn’t his fault. Boyfriends, family, friends, co-workers, institutions -- all forgiven. God? Check. Forgiven.

When the trainer in my group at that introspective program looked me in the eyes and said, “How about you?” My life changed. How about me? How about forgiving me for everything I had done, failed to do and would never be able to do? How about forgiving me for my deficiencies and the strengths that I tried to hide? How about allowing myself the same care, concern, and compassion as I had allowed others for so long?

How about me?

October 21, 2008

A Cup of Java....

Do you know how enjoyable it is to sit with friends and talk over a cup of coffee? At the end of a long day or on a Saturday morning? Some of the most recent fond memories I have with my mom was from only two and a half years ago. She spent most of the summer with us when we first moved into the house where we live now. The kitchen looks out onto the backyard that has a beautiful swimming pool that has a waterfall. We would sit at the table in the morning and drink coffee. It was peaceful. Just watching and listening to the water. Just being with each other.
I miss her visits. She hasn't been able to visit again like that in a while. When she was diagnosed with cancer in January her travels slowed down. I was so excited to have her here two months ago for a few days. I am looking forward to more cups of coffee. I realize that it isn't the conversations we had as much as the being together. In silence, in laughter or in conversation. I just love the "being".
Missing my mom today.

I am gonna be a bear.....

Courtesy of an email from a friend…and I love it….Thanks!
In this life I am a woman. In my next life I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate you are supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you are a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you are a mamma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cub gets out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and have excess body fat.
Yep. I am gonna be a bear.

October 18, 2008

Can't take it

I am not exaggerating when I say that most of my life has been about doing what makes others happy instead of what makes me happy. I have been aware of this issue for a long time but it seems to become stronger instead of easier. I am so confident and aware that I am skilled and smart. At the same time I allow someone else to guide me, often misguide me, into their way of thinking. It isn't that I am the same follower I once was. It is much more troubling to me now. Because I attempt to be open-minded and accept feedback what I find myself doing is questioning if my beliefs are sound. I don't like that. Especially when surrounded by insanity. I find myself asking myself, "am I more dysfunctional than I thought or is that the other persons dysfunction?"

It is an incredible place to be when you are open-minded but eager to make others happy. I am attempting to learn through these experiences instead of regretting having them. But, today it is tough. The desire to belong is ever present and it is a struggle inside to stay authentic to what I know is my truth.

An isolating insight.

October 07, 2008

Published in Recovery Today

Juggling Balance
by Paula Heller-Garland

Who am I? A mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a helping professional, a volunteer, or a sex goddess? Are these visions of who I am or only thoughts of who I should be and the dreams of what I can become? It all seems like a little too much sometimes. Today I look into who I want to be: My own person. This must be the one thing in life that is still not regulated by the federal government and the one that has no surgeon general warning. I can be the person I want. My life is limited only by my imagination of what I can be.

I want my life to be fun. I want to be the kind of person that others are drawn to because my energy is high and positive. I want to be happy. I want to be joyful from the inside out. I want to be a go-getter who gets to positive stuff.

So, how do I go about becoming that person? First it is important to inventory exactly what I am looking for. I am in pursuit of my “life vision”. I have to develop a sketch of exactly how I would want my life to appear were it able to be anything I wanted.

Second, it is important that I look seriously at the obstacles that I imagine standing in between what I am and who I want to become. Those obstacles are often only imagined. I look to all the things that I use as excuses that keep me from reaching the goal. I have to ask myself what I let get in the way of who I want to become.

Once I identify the obstacles I must decide how they are to be removed. Some may be removed with ease. Possibly a goal is to complete a course. The act of enrolling and attending the course is all that I must do. Then there are the other obstacles, the ones that I cannot touch, but can definitely feel. The obstacle of fear is great. When I feel fear I must search to identify where it comes from and what the pay offs for allowing it to keep me stuck are. It is hard to admit there are payoffs for staying stuck, but there is great truth in that thought.

Sometimes I believe that I have spent so much of my life doing the wrong thing that I am not sure how long I need to do the right thing before I am accepted again. I have to question who I believe I need to be accepted by. When I get down to the truth the only person I need to be accepted by is myself. The reason for that is because I am only affective when I am authentic. Only when I accept myself and forgive myself for the past can I be of any service to anyone else in my life. I must overcome the shame of the past in order to march forward into the future.

What are you allowing to keep you stuck? Brainstorm just a moment and work toward your life vision. What would you become, if you could be anything? What do you have a passion about? I believe that is what you are put on earth for. I have had a passion for what I do all of my life. I have just had to move through a long and difficult process to get to this place. But I don’t believe there is any possibility of my doing something else because what I do is more about who I am than anything else. What is stopping you from fulfilling your dream?

Find this and other articles at http://www.recoverytoday.net/

Bill Passes!

After a long, hard fight. The Mental Health Parity Bill passes.

This is a photo of Patrick Kennedy, who put many hours into it.

This is exciting!

October 03, 2008

Viva la vida

Click this link and fall in love with this song like I did........ http://www.lyrics.com/index.php/artists/lyric/coldplay-lyrics-viva-la-vida

Viva la vida!

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world