October 18, 2008

Can't take it

I am not exaggerating when I say that most of my life has been about doing what makes others happy instead of what makes me happy. I have been aware of this issue for a long time but it seems to become stronger instead of easier. I am so confident and aware that I am skilled and smart. At the same time I allow someone else to guide me, often misguide me, into their way of thinking. It isn't that I am the same follower I once was. It is much more troubling to me now. Because I attempt to be open-minded and accept feedback what I find myself doing is questioning if my beliefs are sound. I don't like that. Especially when surrounded by insanity. I find myself asking myself, "am I more dysfunctional than I thought or is that the other persons dysfunction?"

It is an incredible place to be when you are open-minded but eager to make others happy. I am attempting to learn through these experiences instead of regretting having them. But, today it is tough. The desire to belong is ever present and it is a struggle inside to stay authentic to what I know is my truth.

An isolating insight.

2 comments:

JEDICOWBOY said...

I believe I know how you feel, especially the further along I progress in this field. I sometimes wonder though, if we all feel this way, or we are all somehow still dealing with the issues of our past. I tend to overly agree to avoid conflict which works sometimes, but makes me feel bad for not standing my ground.

JEDICOWBOY said...

I think I know how you feel, especially the further along I progress in this field. I wonder if we are all somehow still dealing with the issues of the past. I know that I am still overly agreeable to avoid conflicts, and I guess it works, but I feel bad after....