October 30, 2010

This Time of the Year...

This time of the year has become difficult. I can’t deny the entire past year has been arduous. Ironic, how fall has always been one of my favorite seasons but with it now comes the constant reminder of what was happening this time just last year.

I will not forget October 25 and the sixteen days that followed before her death. Those few moments when my mom’s car slid off the road and changed our lives forever are etched into my heart and woven through every emotion.

My dad passed away in November, also. I don’t want to believe November is the cause or that fall can no longer be one of my favorite seasons. But it seems beyond my ability today not to relate the season with the heartbreak of being a parentless child.

Feeling more than adrift this last year, I have done a great deal of thinking, writing, weeping, and struggling. It seems as if there is a firm delineation in my mind: Before the car accident and after. Life without mom is tough. Not that I was expecting her to be in my life forever. I understand the circle of life. And because she had cancer I knew the day would come. Perhaps, I didn’t understand the exact impact of a daughter dealing with the loss of a mother. How different it is than the loss of any other. But, it does appear to be dissimilar to any other.

The gratitude I have is that I had a fabulous relationship with my mom. She had a special way about her. Each of her kids had a unique relationship with her. There was something different and special about each of our bonds. We each have something different we have taken into our lives because of her. That tells me how exceptional she was and how lucky we all are to have had the parents we had and the memories they left for us.

November 10 is around the corner…and it is looming in my mind. I think back to this day last year and remember being at the hospital. I remember my son going to a local Halloween carnival instead of his usual ritual of trick or treating in our neighborhood because we were there instead. I remember thinking as much as I didn’t want to leave the hospital she would have wanted her grandson to enjoy a few hours away. And I remember believing she was going to be okay.

It seems my thoughts are too random right now to piece things together. I will get there. That is another quality she provided…..the ability to triumph no matter how grave the situation.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~ Pericles

October 25, 2010

Feeling out of words today….I know, hard to believe. So I want to share one of my all time favorites that I’ve given to clients and friends for years……

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same placebut, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are openI know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

October 19, 2010


Today feels different than the three-hundred thirty before. Something changed on Sunday when I was sitting on my bed crying while having a conversation with my baby daddy. Something was different when I woke up on Monday. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was. But when I woke up today I recognized what I have that was absent for nearly the last year. I believe today I have hope.

In my fear of going astray again as I have recently, I am not getting as excited as I suppose I could. But today isn’t as grey as a week ago. And I am inspired.

So it shall be....

October 17, 2010

Slight Modification

I am on the last day of this detox/cleanse that I kindly refer to as “the devil”. While sipping my non-caffeinated herb tea and pondering the events of this past week, I smile at the irony of my life.

This morning my Sonshine and I had an in-depth discussion about self control. The concept is one he is taught at Catholic school daily. One he struggles with from time to time. At home, apparently because I want to ruin his life, I have a point system he lives by. Where that boy inherited the trait of being dramatic escapes me.....cough...cough. Points equal a monetary value. When he doesn’t score the highest point we have talks like the one we had this morning where I am told how this point system interferes with his life. And I confidently tell him about how life works.

The irony is that I view myself as a rule follower. But following rules isn’t that easy, is it miss thang? (that is the voice in my own head talking to myself about me!)

This detox/cleanse….well, I need to begin calling it a Modified Detox/Cleanse…or MDC…from this point forward. Who modified it, you might ask? My doctor? My nutritionist? My best friend? My mechanic? Nope, nope, uh-uh, and no!

It was me. I found not chewing a little difficult. So, while I still took all the supplements as scheduled, said goodbye to caffeine, stopped sugars (spice and all things nice), and juiced my 87 pounds of vegetables each day….I also ate! Yes, I did. I had a salad the second day. I had three chips with salsa the third day, another salad on the fourth and will probably have another one today. As a matter of fact, I am going to a wedding tonight….and I might even lick the icing off the fork of a friend...or someone I want to make friends with (wink wink)!

Funny, I think back to my mom in this instance. She was diabetic. She called my sister Nurse Ratchet because she monitored her exercise and food intake strictly. And when I was with her I let her slide some. If she wanted something deemed “bad” by a doctor I would order it for me and let her have a few bites. Maybe that is why I was her favorite child!

….My siblings don’t generally read my blog so I feel confident saying that here….but don't tell them I proclaimed this publicly as it might be a slight overzealous idea....

All in all, though, I feel okay about the seven days of change. I didn’t follow the rules exactly. Maybe I am not as rigid or black and white as I once thought. This actually gives me a great deal of hope in many other areas of my life where I need to change.

Something to ponder….or not…

October 14, 2010

Anywhere but Here....

To escape the ache
To get away from the pain
To break free from the anguish

To be anywhere but here

Where is here?

My own thoughts.
My own mind.
My own body.

But that is an impossible journey

No ability to flee from me
And what a difficult spot to be in when there is
No desire to be me…
But getting there....one day at a time....

October 12, 2010

Day Two....not so hot!

Purification Log, Day Two

Well, the book tells me I can do 2 days, 7 days or 21. I was aiming for 7 but as the close of day 2 comes into view I wonder if this isn’t going to end as a 2 day cleanse, with one indulgence of a salad at lunch. Wow! Hard isn’t how I would describe this. It is definitely a challenge but moreover, the physical symptoms overwhelm. Who knew I had so many toxins? And that cellular level emotional stuff the book warned of has hit today. Lord, I have enough emotional surface baggage, I don’t need any to come up from the cellular level.

I don’t know the outcome yet. I know I have done as much as I can and for that I feel okay.

More to come…..

October 11, 2010

Bye-Bye Diet Dr. Pepper!

Purification log, Day One:

The word purification may be too strong. I don’t believe I will be “pure” when this is over. Oh, how I wish. Maybe, nah, on second thought….I just want to be cleansed. I covet my jadedness. I don’t want this cleanse to take that from me! Sarcasm is a second language and I like being bilingual. Besides, people who know me may tell you it might take longer than a week to make me pure again!

I have been up and moving for more than two hours. And so far it has been going well (don’t make fun of the fact that I need to track my progress after only two hours, okay?). Upon waking I had more supplements, vitamins and minerals than I have taken since the third grade. I am sure of it. I had an antioxidant drink, an herbal cleansing formula, three glasses of water, a list of enzymes longer than my hand, a prebiotic (not to be confused with the probiotic that will come later in the day), a package of supplements containing, I kid you not: fennel seed, artichoke leaf, ginger root, licorice root, peppermint leaf, garlic bulb, clove bud, pomegranate, fructooligosaccharides (I think that was all one word), curcumin, and chamomile flower…and finally washed it all down with juiced carrots and beets. And don't poo poo the carrots and beets. I picked that on purpose. It is actually a great mixture!

Now I am supposed to have more…..let me see what is next. Oh, thank goodness. It is only tea. And I am choosing green tea this time. All non-caffeinated, of course, so if I die you will know it was from caffeine withdrawal. I read the book twice and I can’t find a Diet Dr. Pepper on this list of “yes’s”. Funny, I can’t find anything I typically consume in a day on that list. While that should tell me a thing or two about the path my consumption has taken I trick my mind into believing that at the end of this I will be writing a letter to this well acclaimed doctor to tell her she should consider adding Hershey’s syrup on day three!

I am feeling upbeat and confident, as the book suggested I would. However, in that ugly place in my brain I have that impending doom feeling related to knowing the book also said that enthusiasm might pass by day three when the "grouchy" should be expected. Great! And does the doctor wonder why I am already considering making this cyclical? Two days of happiness and enthusiasm…pizza and guilt….two days of happiness and enthusiasm…pizza!

I will be back to blog if I survive the morning.

October 10, 2010

Time to Cleanse!

I am starting a detox/cleanse tomorrow. I read about it and threatened to do it in January. It only lasted a day. This time I have prepared for a week. On Friday I bought the supplements and vitamins I will take and today I will buy all the fresh vegetables. I think I have a good understanding about what to do each day. I am not as sure I have the ability. Even my sweet son said, “I doubt you will last until Tuesday”. Yep, his faith in mom is strong!

The idea of doing a cleansing detox may be much more exciting than actually doing one. And I hesitate to publicly proclaim such a feat for fear I won’t be able to follow through. I come from a long line of stubborn. As a matter of fact we have coined the term in my lineage when someone is acting inflexible, we say they are suffering from the “triple H”. That is the Heller Hard Head!

I have two siblings that run....on purpose....not because they are being chased by anything.... And when they are training for something or just decide they are going to run they do it every day….rain or shine, event or none. I guess I have that triple H but for me my tenacity shines through more often when trying to finish a bag of chips or cookie dough ice cream. I won’t let anything get in my way!

I have several reasons for doing this cleanse. Part of it is simply because I have been eating like a mad woman since early in the summer and want to get myself back on track to cleaner eating. There are also a few kumbaya type reasons that make sense in my head but not so much when I put them on paper….so for now I will keep those in my heart.....but the book I am getting this wisdom from encourages seeing a therapist related to the cellular level emotions that might break free during this cleanse. Oy vay! Why do I do this again?

I will keep in mind the benefits touted of this doctor from Martha's Vineyard....The ones I want: Healthier skin (just turned 41...check), potential weight loss (mmm....no before and after pictures will be posted but....check), better emotional health (have you ever read my blog?.....check), and better spiritual health (frankly, I never understand why people always claim food -or lack thereof- will make me more spiritual and I am frightened to find out if it is because I will be so hungry I will be forced to pray a lot.....but, okay....check)!

Oh, and God....I promise I will also try not to eat three pizzas today simply because I am afraid that I will starve tomorrow....agreed? Thanks!

So this is my shot at being accountable. I am doing it. I begin tomorrow. I pray to make it through the week.

Happy Cleansing!

P.S. Spell check indicated I misspelled the word "Emotions or emotional" three times. Hellooooo....God, what am I a in for?

October 07, 2010

Recovery Today Article Link

October article in Recovery today......


What If.....

What if one day you woke up and were happy
And it didn’t matter the extenuating circumstances?

What if one day you cared less of what others thought of you
And believed more in what you know about you?

What if one day you did something that scared you
Just because you wanted to know how it felt?

What if one day you decided your purpose
And you pursued your dream?

What if one day you didn’t respond to criticism
Or judgment
And carried it even farther by not judging or criticizing others?

What if…..what if we had a what if day? What would you do?

What if?

October 04, 2010

Fall is in my heart

Inspired by one of the more incredible women I know, my aunt, who is a fabulous writer, I have pinpointed my recent mood shifts. I feel safe in naming the culprit: Fall. When I picked up a jacket as I walked out of the house this morning into the finally crisp fall air….I picked up the sting of what this time of year means in my heart……

The first weekend of October a year ago I celebrated my 40th birthday at a Mexican food restaurant with my family. They brought a cake and gifts to the eatery we would go to before game time each weekend UMHB played at home. I recall feeling that all was right in the world that day.

While, we were separated at the time, the father of my child (my baby daddy, my soon to be ex, the once upon a time light of my life) concocted the whole scheme to surprise me. And upon prompting from our son, who apparently was bright enough to recognize his mother needed help in the way of direction, the gift presented to me on that special day was a GPS. I have a long history of getting lost, literally and figuratively. Symbolically, that was the perfect offering. I am still looking for the GPS to guide me metaphorically through life and living with gratitude for the one with road maps given me that day.

My mom was there. She hadn’t been feeling very well but she trudged her way to the football game afterward, as well. And we have some great photos from that day with her looking as happy as ever. Who knew that less than a month later things would change so drastically?

So, here I sit on the eve of the anniversary of my 40th birthday thinking about how much has changed….wanting to feel grateful for the good stuff in my life but failing to find it. Struggling not to be a victim who believes I cannot find goodness again while acknowledging the reality of this very difficult year…..my first birthday without my mom is tomorrow. And I don’t really like that idea at all.

Feeling fall.