October 30, 2010

This Time of the Year...

This time of the year has become difficult. I can’t deny the entire past year has been arduous. Ironic, how fall has always been one of my favorite seasons but with it now comes the constant reminder of what was happening this time just last year.

I will not forget October 25 and the sixteen days that followed before her death. Those few moments when my mom’s car slid off the road and changed our lives forever are etched into my heart and woven through every emotion.

My dad passed away in November, also. I don’t want to believe November is the cause or that fall can no longer be one of my favorite seasons. But it seems beyond my ability today not to relate the season with the heartbreak of being a parentless child.

Feeling more than adrift this last year, I have done a great deal of thinking, writing, weeping, and struggling. It seems as if there is a firm delineation in my mind: Before the car accident and after. Life without mom is tough. Not that I was expecting her to be in my life forever. I understand the circle of life. And because she had cancer I knew the day would come. Perhaps, I didn’t understand the exact impact of a daughter dealing with the loss of a mother. How different it is than the loss of any other. But, it does appear to be dissimilar to any other.

The gratitude I have is that I had a fabulous relationship with my mom. She had a special way about her. Each of her kids had a unique relationship with her. There was something different and special about each of our bonds. We each have something different we have taken into our lives because of her. That tells me how exceptional she was and how lucky we all are to have had the parents we had and the memories they left for us.

November 10 is around the corner…and it is looming in my mind. I think back to this day last year and remember being at the hospital. I remember my son going to a local Halloween carnival instead of his usual ritual of trick or treating in our neighborhood because we were there instead. I remember thinking as much as I didn’t want to leave the hospital she would have wanted her grandson to enjoy a few hours away. And I remember believing she was going to be okay.

It seems my thoughts are too random right now to piece things together. I will get there. That is another quality she provided…..the ability to triumph no matter how grave the situation.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~ Pericles

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