October 04, 2010

Fall is in my heart

Inspired by one of the more incredible women I know, my aunt, who is a fabulous writer, I have pinpointed my recent mood shifts. I feel safe in naming the culprit: Fall. When I picked up a jacket as I walked out of the house this morning into the finally crisp fall air….I picked up the sting of what this time of year means in my heart……

The first weekend of October a year ago I celebrated my 40th birthday at a Mexican food restaurant with my family. They brought a cake and gifts to the eatery we would go to before game time each weekend UMHB played at home. I recall feeling that all was right in the world that day.

While, we were separated at the time, the father of my child (my baby daddy, my soon to be ex, the once upon a time light of my life) concocted the whole scheme to surprise me. And upon prompting from our son, who apparently was bright enough to recognize his mother needed help in the way of direction, the gift presented to me on that special day was a GPS. I have a long history of getting lost, literally and figuratively. Symbolically, that was the perfect offering. I am still looking for the GPS to guide me metaphorically through life and living with gratitude for the one with road maps given me that day.

My mom was there. She hadn’t been feeling very well but she trudged her way to the football game afterward, as well. And we have some great photos from that day with her looking as happy as ever. Who knew that less than a month later things would change so drastically?

So, here I sit on the eve of the anniversary of my 40th birthday thinking about how much has changed….wanting to feel grateful for the good stuff in my life but failing to find it. Struggling not to be a victim who believes I cannot find goodness again while acknowledging the reality of this very difficult year…..my first birthday without my mom is tomorrow. And I don’t really like that idea at all.

Feeling fall.

1 comment:

Betty Kurecka said...

Beautifully written (including the part about your aunt-lol) Your birthday is still a celebration- of your mother's love & dedication, your precious son, and all those who have loved you, those who love you now, and those who will love you. Maybe we need to let our yesterdays fall to make room for new tomorrows. Happy Birthday, sweet gal!