November 05, 2010

Time Stood Still....

I facilitated a group yesterday and when I got to the part about how response to situations yield the outcome I mentioned, for the first time in a group, about the loss of my parents. I haven’t kept it a secret, but I don’t readily discuss my pain with groups in that way. And I wasn’t discussing the sadness, just the facts. I briefly indicated how different it was to lose my dad at twenty five to a sudden and unexpected death as opposed to losing my mom at forty…..of what was sudden and unexpected but the reality of her having had cancer for two years did better prepare me for eventually losing her.

After I shared that information I moved along okay. But, interestingly, I came home last night and my body was aching. I was very tired but have been unable to sleep most of the night. I have taken three hot baths and still cannot turn off my heart. The day is just around the corner.

And when all is quiet and still I cannot escape the memories of that day. That morning, that afternoon, that drive, and that evening. As if it were yesterday, it looms in my heart.

That morning I recall watching my son take the trash out. When he got to the sidewalk to step onto the street I remember thinking how at that very moment I feared his walking across the street. So many things can happen accidentally. The reason I thought that was probably because of the car accident my mom had sixteen days prior. The idea came into my head at the moment that I wanted to create a workshop about living for today….I wanted to call it, “If today were the last day”…..

When I got to the office that morning I quickly wrote a synopsis, objectives and an outline for just such a workshop. I submitted it to a conference I frequently present. Two hours later my brother called to urge me to come to the hospital because my mom wasn’t going to live. That came as a surprise since I had just left believing she would.

The drive to pack my things, the phone calls along the way, picking up my son at school and telling him what was happening all race through my mind again and again…..and then that phone call…..the one to my sister…asking her if mom could just hang on until I got there….

But she couldn’t.

And time stood still.

1 comment:

Betty Kurecka said...

As always - your words are so beautifully phased as is your heart. We all have or will have to go through what you did, I fear. But you have managed to turn your grief and sorrow in poetry of words. That's a gift from life and you are using it well.