In sadness I find myself isolating. I tell myself stories that I believe. I tell myself that I should be “over it by now” or I should be “moving on by now”. I even tell myself that you – those of you who love me – are tired of my sadness.
This weekend I had coffee with someone who inspires me. She told me two months ago to remember that when I was ready she was available to support me. I took her up on it this week. I will leave out the self-loathing comments relating to my waiting two months to make the move.
I really enjoyed talking with her. She lost someone close a year ago. She told me it is still difficult for her. That was the permission I needed to be exactly where I am today. However, “exactly where I am” changes moment to moment. The last week has been more difficult than the previous two and a half months. But today was a little better.
I dreamt of my mom for the first time on Saturday. I shall not delve into the message I received through that dream but I have to tell you that we were driving a pink Kia Soul with yellow headlights. I told her it looked like one of her favorite drinks, pink lemonade. I think experiencing laughter with her, even if in dreams now, is exactly what I needed.
Late last summer I learned a very important lesson about human nature. I learned that everyone struggles. I learned that everyone has doubts about themselves. At times everyone is fearful that they don’t measure up. Which makes perfect sense to me, as I subscribe to the idea that a sense of belonging, or lack thereof, is one of the biggest driving forces in negative behaviors.
Having reconfirmed that I am governed by the same laws of human nature was a breath of fresh air.
I hurt. I struggle. I grow.
This weekend I had coffee with someone who inspires me. She told me two months ago to remember that when I was ready she was available to support me. I took her up on it this week. I will leave out the self-loathing comments relating to my waiting two months to make the move.
I really enjoyed talking with her. She lost someone close a year ago. She told me it is still difficult for her. That was the permission I needed to be exactly where I am today. However, “exactly where I am” changes moment to moment. The last week has been more difficult than the previous two and a half months. But today was a little better.
I dreamt of my mom for the first time on Saturday. I shall not delve into the message I received through that dream but I have to tell you that we were driving a pink Kia Soul with yellow headlights. I told her it looked like one of her favorite drinks, pink lemonade. I think experiencing laughter with her, even if in dreams now, is exactly what I needed.
Late last summer I learned a very important lesson about human nature. I learned that everyone struggles. I learned that everyone has doubts about themselves. At times everyone is fearful that they don’t measure up. Which makes perfect sense to me, as I subscribe to the idea that a sense of belonging, or lack thereof, is one of the biggest driving forces in negative behaviors.
Having reconfirmed that I am governed by the same laws of human nature was a breath of fresh air.
I hurt. I struggle. I grow.
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