August 24, 2010

If it Walks Like a Duck.....

So, the book I read last week, (yes, again with the book), my dear friends, and my therapist all have told me the same thing. And I live by the theory that if more than seventeen people tell me it is a duck, it just might be. And all in my gang tell me it is walking like an A-hole, oops…I meant duck.

And now they are telling me that in order to grieve a loss I must first feel angry. Well, I don’t really want to feel angry. Anger is my typical “go to” emotion. It is felt with passion and I demonstrate it though being passive-aggressive. And it gets me into trouble...and I don't mean I hit people and punch holes in walls. I mean that I understand that I am really not angry when I usually say I am. When I am passive-aggressive I think I am angry but am generally, if I get honest, hurt. So the battle in my mind right now is about deciding if allowing myself to be angry is a good idea.

So, again today, hitting my head against the wall but not with sadness…no this time I wanted to step it up a notch to sheer confusion. Umm, what do I feel again? Annnnddd….what am I supposed to feel again? I dunno.

I have that therapeutic grasp on the fact that all emotions are okay. They are just emotions. The demonstration of those emotions, however, is where we need to be careful. When I am passive-aggressive I have the ability to slice a person’s character apart with one quick-witted chop. Ah, yet again one of those little double-sided and golden traits. Wit works but hurting people does not. When I engage in the anger I feel a strong desire to hurt someone who has hurt me. And I would rather not.

Get angry? Maybe I am not ready to today. Maybe I am not angry. I am unsure. I watch a friend who seems to be living a parallel experience of the heart with me now, and we usually are, and yesterday he was angry. Frankly, I heard the story and felt he should be. And perhaps if he told me my story I would be angry. What a dilemma, what a quandary!

I am happy today and feel strong. I am going to hold onto that for this moment…because if I recall yesterday as an example, that feeling is sure to change at least fifty-five more times before lunch.

Speaking of lunch….I am wondering if it is wrong to have blue cheese dressing on top of shredded cheddar cheese for lunch (reference blog from yesterday).

I must get the duck out of here now.

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