And life began to change...

Many times throughout my career I have been asked how I got into the helping field. Today someone asked again. I think my answer has been similar throughout the years but to be honest, I don't really always know. I am here because I am supposed to be. That is the only answer that feels right.

When I was 19 years old and still searching for my place in the world I was in treatment for 41 days. How I ended up there is a long story. But, the bottom line is that people were running out of answers for how to deal with me. And had I ever had any answers of my own for how to deal with myself, I did not have access to them. At that time I was flunking out of community college as a theatre major....and you needn't tell me how difficult of a task it is to flunk theatre....I pulled it off! After completing the treatment program it was suggested by one of the counselors that I might enjoy going to college to become a counselor. Why not? So, I went. And life began to change.

I was better when I packed my stuff and went out of town for college than I was before treatment, but I wasn't good. I wasn't even mediocre. I was still unhealthy. I will still struggling. I still had very few answers. But, I went to college. And I did well. I had the best GPA I had ever had in my life. And if you knew me in high school or in theatre, that isn't saying much. I graduated from that program in 1991 and moved to a four year university. A bad relationship and few answers, in tow. And life began to change.

In some insane moment of clarity, with the help of my family, I left the bad relationship one horrid night. And life began to change.

Six months after leaving with all my worldly possessions in a u-haul I applied for a job in a treatment center and was hired. I would love to say that my personal growth had developed so quickly that I exuded role model; however, that would be a lie. I was still unhealthy, still involved in drunkenness and still searching for myself. And life began to change.

Six months after beginning work as a counselor I stopped drinking completely. I realize that not drinking was paramount in my change but I also know that the journey began long before that day.....each event, each change, each action, each reaction, each decision....life changed.

And one day I woke up with a long-term career, the mother of a wonderful son, an education, and a full, rich, soul searching heart of wisdom. Because life began to change....and I embraced it.

Each day is an opportunity of growth for me. Each situation is an opportunity for me to learn more about my purpose. And I suppose I could look back to the second grade when I first announced I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Or I could remember how profound an impact that particular counselor had on me in high school. Maybe it was some special movie I saw when I was growing up. The honest answer is simple: I do this because I am supposed to.

What are you supposed to be doing?

Isn't it Funny?

The lessons I learn....and the ones that I have to learn again because obviously I either liked the experience so much the first time I wanted the bliss of re-learning (or re-experiencing).....or maybe I forgot the lesson so I had to go back and re-take the course? Or maybe I am just an idiot?

I am in the process of re-learning a lesson right now related to relationships. The good, the bad, and the sexy. Why do I do it? The sexy.

Off I go into the wild blue yonder.....

For Good Lyrics

Weekend Visit

I believe each day impacts the next. And I accept as true the idea that I am constantly becoming. However, it seems that the last twelve to twenty months have had a profound impact on great lessons for me. In the last few months those lessons have become profoundly clear.

I spent some time recently with someone I have not seen in years. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw her was shortly after I delivered my son, who turned nine in January. I left Europe and she stayed there. She came to the states about three years ago and we finally got together this weekend. I have had many email and phone conversations with her while we have been apart. Nonetheless, I found it amazing how our friendship is so strong that even after nine years of not seeing one another we picked up as though we had never been away. I described her to someone a short time ago as being like a sister. That was exactly how it was. Immediately, the connection was there again. Having friendships are paramount. Having trust in another woman, with my deepest, darkest pieces…..that is beyond any I can have. I learn about myself through interactions with women who I trust implicitly. And, bluntly, there are just not that many I bank on. I am truly grateful to her.

During and since our visit I realized so much about the past, the future, friends and lovers. What a wonderful litmus test this meeting was for exactly how much I have changed. Dramatically I have changed. And for the better…..what a reward.

As the past two years have been about change and much loss it occurred to me how I once viewed loss as a process of letting go. I don’t see loss or moving on as that anymore. I now realize how every person I have loved, every experience I have had…even those that hurt deeply…..are with me always.

Thanks my friend!

Camping Results!

I did it. I have a real photo of us actually camping….outside….in a tent, in a sleeping bag, with bears. And I am forever grateful for the nudge to do something I have never done. How can I tell my son “never say never” if I say it? Many months of lessons continued while camping. It is amazing the lessons one can learn in nature.




Lesson One: Connecting and not connecting is important! Not having cell phones, facebook and blogs is not so bad. While, I was able to check intermittently while in the car roaming in and out of spots I had a few bars, the majority of the time was spent being present. Presence is a goal I strive for. It is more easily had when the distractions are eliminated.



Lesson Two: Family is vital! Don’t let another seven years pass without seeing family. We were in North Carolina, home of many Garland’s. It was wonderful to see my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nephew. Too much time has passed but it seemed that we picked up right where we left off. They are still so loving, accepting and genuine. It was wonderful to have them camp with us one night.



Lesson Three: Protecting your baby is okay! Mama bear and this mama bear have a lot in common. There really are black bears in the mountains of North Cackalaki! We saw a mama bear and her three bear cubs. And the mama bear would have eaten me if I considered looking at her cubs cross ways.

Lesson Four: Nature is wonderous! If I ever questioned the idea of a power greater than myself on occasion…..being in the mountains removed all doubt.



Lesson Five: You only live once! I slid down a waterfall because I wasn’t sure if I would ever be in that exact place with that exact opportunity again in my life. It was cold, I didn’t have clothes to change into and I don’t think I really wanted to do it at first (gauged by the fact that I climbed the waterfall and walked down the first time without sliding after I felt how cold it was!)….but I did it anyway….and I am a better person for having the experience.




Lesson Six: Many great stories and memories occur after dark sitting around a campfire.


Lesson Seven: Never, ever, no matter what….pee in the woods in the middle of the night with your socks on.


A Natural Woman!

Camping, really!

It is going to happen. I am going camping with “the boys”. My son said the magic phrase that make this mediocre Catholic cringe and give in, “I really want you to, but would understand if you don’t”. Okay, Okay. I give. I am going.

They called yesterday to tell me they were buying me a sleeping bag. I sure am looking forward to seeing it. I have a vision in my head of it being pink, bedazzled and fuzzy. I am sure I won’t be disappointed!

These are the times I am grateful for permanent cosmetics and cute hats. I asked that I be allowed to have some choice in the campground. Is it too much to ask for one with a pool, electricity and showers….I didn’t even verbalize my desire for a spa. I will have to look through my clothing tonight and see if I have anything to match this adventure. I know I have hiking boots. I wore them last time I was roughing it. Of course, the last time I was trudging through snow on the city sidewalks of Washington, DC…but seriously, have you been to DC lately?

As I lamented about this expedition to someone yesterday and wondered aloud how I would update my facebook status in the wilderness I heard them say something that is still ringing in my ears, “you may have to go off the grid for a while”. Okay. I can handle this. Really, I can handle this. As a matter of fact, I may return with a new outlook on life.

Last night my son and I did our nightly cuddle routine. I told him I was very excited about going but hoped he would encourage me along the way as I am uncertain that I can keep up the enthusiasm the entire week (yes, week). He listed the positives we would experience, through his eyes, of course: nature, black bears….Ummm….yep. He listed those as positives…… ……rivers, hiking…..uh…still waiting on the positives here, baby…. looking up at the stars, roasting marshmallows over a fire…okay….toy with my emotions by bringing high carbohydrate/high sugar food product into the discussion…..and finally….the one that brought it all back to the reason I really am excited and really do want to take this journey……just us.

Just us….on a new adventure. May I return uneaten by a black bear.

Morgan Freeman Quote....

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

Missing a friend today.

Thoughts became words and words might become action....

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a teacher at my son’s school. We talked about summer plans. She told me she thought the United States was beautiful and wrought with history. She mentioned how incredible Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore, huh? I began looking at photos online. I began calculating distance. And a thought came into my head. Soon I said out loud that I wanted to take a road trip to South Dakota to see Mount Rushmore. Yes, see Mount Rushmore. Yes, in a car…..from Texas.

The idea was tossed around. Discussions were had. Eventually the idea of South Dakota was eliminated. Not because Mount Rushmore isn’t an incredible beauty to behold but because if driving through the country was really part of the plan, South Dakota might be a bit far to go in a week. I was open to new ideas. I am a proud member of a time share. I can use a condo in one of a number of locations throughout the US anytime I so desire.

Vail, Colorado. A condo in the mountains, streams, a beautiful downtown….and without a doubt….a spa! Okay. I can get on board with that. Besides, Vail has splendor, too, right?



I can already visualize it. Me at the pool after having a mani, pedi and facial....watching the pool, reading a book....ahhhh.

I do not remember exactly how it occurred but somewhere between my imagining a stone massage and a pedicure in Vail and my standing inside of Bass Pro Shop with my little sonshine and his father picking out supplies….the tides had turned.

You needn’t re-read that. Yes, I said Bass Pro Shop. No, it wasn’t my first time there. When it first opened and was all the rage I went to find out what all the hoop la was about. I determined back then it wasn’t my cup of hoop la. But there I stood in the store full of outdoorsmen (and women, of course). And I think people were starring at me. We were looking at…..I am not sure I can say it…we were looking at camping gear. And the sonshine and his father were giddy. Camping gear.


If you follow my blog, are my facebook friend, or (shudder) know me in real life….you know the many reasons I might be a fish out of water (yes, I meant fish out of water to be an obvious attempt at humor) when it comes to camping. I have never been camping.

Now, the Heller family does consist of a yearly ritual that began before I was born that I call camping. But, it isn’t really camping. Each July (or August…depending on which is hotter….someone picks the hotter on purpose, I think) we go to the Colorado River and do what I like to think of as camping. Admittedly, it isn’t. It is in a cabin. It has real beds. There is a full sized kitchen. There is indoor plumbing. And even a pool. But, come on….I never wear makeup or fix my hair while I am there. So, for my purpose, that constitutes camping.

Nope. Standing in Bass Pro Shop these boys were talking really camping. Tents, sleeping bags that would go on the floor of these tents….at night…with bears or whatever roams the mountains of Colorado. I asked, although, I regret it. Where does one go in the middle of the night when there is a desire to tinkle? And how does one see to get there? And where does one shower? And where does one get a pedicure in such a place? And what about my hair?

I wouldn’t consider myself high maintenance. As a matter of fact, I try real hard to stay someplace in the category of medium maintenance. But, camping? Really? Me camping? I dunno. I haven’t completely bought into the idea. As a matter of fact, I am still formulating the manipulation plan in my head right now. I am truly thinking this may be an incredible opportunity for father and son to boy bond. Who wants a woman along on a trip like this anyway? And what is happening to my dignity?

And where will I charge my droid? And laptop?


“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

THE STATION by Robert J. Hastings

TUCKED AWAY in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.

But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on agiven day, our train will finally pull into the Station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the Station.

"Yes, when we reach the Station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. "When we're eighteen. . . win that promotion. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL Mercedes-Benz. . . have a nest egg for retirement!" From that day on we will all live happily ever after. Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no Station in this life, no one earthly place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The Station is an illusion--it constantly out distances us.

Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to a history, tomorrow belongs to God. Yesterday's a fading sunset, tomorrow's a faint sunrise. Onlyt oday is there light enough to love and live. So, gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad, but rather regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today. "Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener. Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we go along.

The Station will come soon enough.

desiderata - by max ehrmann

(an oldie but a goodie....enjoy! PHG)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(Marianne Williamson, author, from A Return To Love, 1992)

Process Island

Today isn’t the first time for me to realize the thoughts in my head are somewhat unique. This is the reason I often refer to those in counseling, recovery and insight based living as “my people”. They get me. I get them. We are on an island unto ourselves. We have our own thoughts, behaviors and language. We often endure the same warped sense of humor and issues.

The truth (my truth) is that everyone, even those who are not indigenous to this island, have difficulties, deficiencies, strengths and weaknesses; however, distinctive to those who inhabit the island might be the knowledge of and fun we have with said issues. Thus, the idea I hold of the inhabitants living consciously. It seems to set us apart from the normies on the mainland.

There is nothing more exciting to me than when I meet other islanders on the mainland. Perhaps, I am speaking the native island language and see another nod their head in understanding. My people! Frustration follows when I share pearls of wisdom from the island and the mainlander looks at me cross eyed or has the audacity to be so out of touch with inner healing they question said insight as if they don’t know who I (think I) am.

Problematic to my situation is that I live among the mainlanders. One caution I offer to those who visit the island or desire to move to the island after a visit: Normalcy is not what insight offers. While, it may seem that seeking help and involving oneself in soul searching might provide one the fast track to mainstream living, it does not. The trade off for self-investigation is the elimination of ignorance. Once you become an islander you will always be an islander. You can move back to the mainland but you can never unlearn the life and language of the island.

Some days the information seems to be a burden that sets me too far apart from those who haven’t stepped off the mainland. Would I trade the information in for my ignorance and ticket off the island? Not today. But, I could change my mind tomorrow. Choice is another luxury on the island….but that is an entirely different topic.

Back to the island, it’s the weekend!

Them!

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand how little chance you have in trying to change others."

Well, okay. After about three days I have given up. I have beat my head bloody trying to figure out the what, the how, and the whys of my current disgruntled state. I am frustrated again with someone I can’t change. Candidly, they are my “them”…they are my “they”. You know the one….you probably have “them”, too? The one person you lump entire extreme facts into when you shout out loud or in your head “they always”, “they never”. Yep. They is the one.

I have written about this character many times. I have written of good times and of bad. I have been frustrated in the past with “they” and I have been disappointed with “them”, too. Each time I come away a bit surprised…and surprised that I am surprised.

Life has been rapid firing change in my direction lately. Surely, it will stop. Apparently, not until the lesson is learned….so today I am openly seeking answers to questions that I need answers to….even the ones I don’t know I need. Today I am overtly sucking it up. I shall give into “them” being "them" and maybe even let go of “them” just a little more.

And I will hold fast to one of my all time favorite quotes that has proven to be true over and over again, “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”

Okay, but do I have to like it?

Mother's Day

Today is mother’s day, the first one without my mom. Tomorrow will be six months since she passed away. Six months can go so quickly. I think of her every day. I suppose I always will. Today instead of being grateful for the time I had with her, I was very sad about the prospect of her not being in my life anymore. I understand the concept of moving on. I understand the idea of gratitude. But, today, I was simply sad. I never imagined I would spend this day visiting her at a cemetery…nevertheless, there I sat on that cement bench. I hope that my life will honor her memory. I hope that I can be half the woman she was. I aspire to be the kind of mom she was.

I miss not having "home" to go to. I miss her greeting me when I would get there. I miss her answering her phone with her television on too loud in the background when I called. I miss her laugh. I miss her smile. I miss her love. I miss her faith in me. I miss her love for my son. I miss sharing exciting news with her. I miss her opinion. I miss her direction. I miss her answers. I miss her being the glue that kept our family central. I miss everything about her.

This weekend was the perfect time for us to get together to learn how to bake kolaches. We had talked about doing it for so long my sister finally set it in motion. And it was great. Several family members got together at my brother and sister-in-laws house and were taught by one of the greatest Czech women I know, one of mom’s favorite cousins. If I can achieve making the dough, I think I can do it on my own. The best part of the day was probably being with those who really do mean the most to me….the women that meant the most to mom. I felt like I was part of something much bigger….an entire culture…a tradition and a rich heritage. It feels good to know I come from somewhere.

"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people." ~ Tich Nhat Hanh

Hanging on my mom’s refrigerator for more years that I can remember was a photo copy of a page from a book of prayers. I have it hanging on mine now. I think today is a wonderful day to share it:

“There is a woman I want to be, Lord….

She never doubts your existence or strays from your ways. She never fails people or herself, or you. She is an ideal wife. A perfect mother. A neighbor and friend everyone loves and respects. Yet she is all this without sacrificing her own dreams. I keep thinking this woman will turn up some day, God. Wearing my clothes. Wearing my face. But somehow she eludes me. I catch only glimpses of her. I see just enough of her now and then so that I don’t despair entirely. Lord, dear patient Lord – thank you for showing me at least these fragments of the woman I want to be!”

She was. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I miss you.

Take Action, Texas!

It is time to take action regarding Appropriations for Substance Abuse.....We need people present at the meetings listed below AND/OR to write letters that will be there to show your interest on the date of the meetings.

The following are the talking points that should be covered when you take action..... Note: The following talking points are meant to provide general guidance regarding suggested messaging for the DSHS teleconference. We encourage members to tailor their testimony to their own work and experience where possible.

Talking points for participants in DSHS teleconference regarding exceptional item requests:

1. Introduce yourself, and briefly describe the services provided by your organization (i.e., prevention, treatment, residential).

2. The membership of ASAP strongly supported DSHS’ exceptional item from last legislative session that would have increased funding for substance abuse treatment and prevention services. We sincerely appreciate DSHS making substance abuse funding a priority during that session.

3. We understand that the state faces a difficult budget situation, and that funds will be extremely limited across the board.

4. We would respectfully urge DSHS and budget writers to keep the following in mind as it makes budget decisions and sets priorities heading into the next session. (Note: pick one or two of the following topics to include, and use personal experience during explanation.)

a. Current funding for substance abuse treatment and prevention services does not meet the demand for those services. (If possible, cite personal experiences regarding unmet need and/or lack of providers in your region.)

b. Studies have shown that expenditures for substance abuse prevention and treatment services are offset by savings in other areas.

c. The legislature began to acknowledge this fact in 2007 when instead of spending scarce resources to build additional prisons, it instead made treatment services available for certain individuals in the criminal justice system.

d. In 2009, the legislature included an adult substance abuse treatment benefit for Medicaid enrollees based upon a finding by the Legislative Budget Board that the anticipated expenditures would be more than offset by reduced medical care expenditures. This conclusion was based actual results already observed here in Texas.

e. Numerous studies have also concluded that targeted, evidence-based prevention programs provide significant return on investment for the state by improving education performance, reducing utilization of our criminal justice system, and reducing health care expenditures due to reduced drug and alcohol abuse.

5. We appreciate DSHS’ support for substance abuse programs in this state. We understand the budget situation facing policymakers, and simply request the this agency keep these points in mind during the budget process.

DEADLINE: YOU HAVE UNTIL MAY 15, 2010 TO GET THAT LETTER OUT!!!! MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY!

Region 1 City of Amarillo Health Department 1000 Martin Road Amarillo, TX 79105 806-351-7220 Department of State Health Services Conference Room 201 1109 Kemper Street Lubbock, TX 79403 806-744-3577

Region 2/3 Department of State Health Services 1301 South Bowen Road, Room 2208 Arlington, TX 76013 817-264-4500 Tarrant County Health Department Sara Josephine Baker Classroom 1101 South Main, Room 2412 Fort Worth, TX 76104 817-321-5300 Wichita Falls County Public Health Department 1700 Third Street Wichita Falls, TX 76301 940-761-7805

Region 4/5N Department of State Health Services 1517 West Front Street, Room 257 Tyler, TX 75702 903-595-3585

Region 6/5S Department of State Health Services 5425 Polk Street, Suite J Conference Room 4-A Houston, TX 77023 713-767-3000 Galveston County Health Department 1207 Oak Street, Board Room LaMarque, TX 75568 409-938-2401

Region 7 Department of State Health Services 1100 West 49th Street, K-100 Austin, TX 78756 512-458-7404 Department of State Health Services 2408 South 37th Street Temple, TX 76504 254-778-6744

Region 8 Department of State Health Services 7430 Louis Pasteur, Room 228 San Antonio, TX 78229 210-949-2000 City of Laredo Health Department 2600 Cedar Avenue Laredo, TX 78043 956-795-4901

Region 9/10 Department of State Health Services 401 East Franklin, Suite 210 Second Floor Conference Room El Paso, TX 79901 915-834-7675 Ector County Health Department 21 North Texas Street Odessa, TX 79761 432-498-4141

Region 11 Department of State Health Services 601 West Sesame Drive Rockport Room Harlingen, TX 78550 956-423-0130 Department of State Health Services 1233 Agnes Street Corpus Christi, TX 78401 956-423-0130