May 09, 2010

Mother's Day

Today is mother’s day, the first one without my mom. Tomorrow will be six months since she passed away. Six months can go so quickly. I think of her every day. I suppose I always will. Today instead of being grateful for the time I had with her, I was very sad about the prospect of her not being in my life anymore. I understand the concept of moving on. I understand the idea of gratitude. But, today, I was simply sad. I never imagined I would spend this day visiting her at a cemetery…nevertheless, there I sat on that cement bench. I hope that my life will honor her memory. I hope that I can be half the woman she was. I aspire to be the kind of mom she was.

I miss not having "home" to go to. I miss her greeting me when I would get there. I miss her answering her phone with her television on too loud in the background when I called. I miss her laugh. I miss her smile. I miss her love. I miss her faith in me. I miss her love for my son. I miss sharing exciting news with her. I miss her opinion. I miss her direction. I miss her answers. I miss her being the glue that kept our family central. I miss everything about her.
This weekend was the perfect time for us to get together to learn how to bake kolaches. We had talked about doing it for so long my sister finally set it in motion. And it was great. Several family members got together at my brother and sister-in-laws house and were taught by one of the greatest Czech women I know, one of mom’s favorite cousins. If I can achieve making the dough, I think I can do it on my own. The best part of the day was probably being with those who really do mean the most to me….the women that meant the most to mom. I felt like I was part of something much bigger….an entire culture…a tradition and a rich heritage. It feels good to know I come from somewhere.
"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people." ~ Tich Nhat Hanh

Hanging on my mom’s refrigerator for more years that I can remember was a photo copy of a page from a book of prayers. I have it hanging on mine now. I think today is a wonderful day to share it:

“There is a woman I want to be, Lord….

She never doubts your existence or strays from your ways. She never fails people or herself, or you. She is an ideal wife. A perfect mother. A neighbor and friend everyone loves and respects. Yet she is all this without sacrificing her own dreams. I keep thinking this woman will turn up some day, God. Wearing my clothes. Wearing my face. But somehow she eludes me. I catch only glimpses of her. I see just enough of her now and then so that I don’t despair entirely. Lord, dear patient Lord – thank you for showing me at least these fragments of the woman I want to be!”

She was. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I miss you.

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