Generation Gap

(At campsite Monday morning)

I am now old enough to use the phrase, “back when I was your age” a lot more than I thought I would. Camping this week is again bringing those words to my lips.

Yes, I am camping in a tent…outside….and this time no one forced me. It was actually something I thought of on my own. And I am enjoying it more than my hard head will ever allow me to admit.

This morning as I walked with my son to the water faucet so we could wash our hands and face I handed him a bar of soap and said, “do you know how to use a bar of soap?” I wasn’t being sarcastic. It occurred to me that in his lifetime he has used body wash for bathing and liquid soap for hand cleaning. Bars are from “back in my day”.

It is during times like these that I find myself trying to provide him life lessons. Because we have very limited electricity (enough to power my lap top and phone this time) we have talked a lot about how things were when I was growing up. I have also offered a few stories I remember my parents and grandparents telling me about when they were growing up. One of my favorite from my mothers memory was a time when a war was going on and the city required everyone to turn out all the lights as a drill for possible air raids one day. My grandmother wouldn’t turn out the lights because she had an infant. My mom told me how the police would come by and urge the requirement. While those stories mean more to me now than when I was “his age” that is when I heard them.

I assume they were stories with hidden meaning by my parents because they saw how much I had (more than them) and hoped I didn’t grow up being a spoiled brat taking advantage of things. When I was in elementary school learning spelling I was privileged to do so through the fun technology of the Speak and Spell. My mother had to learn standing at a chalkboard with a nun at her back. It wasn’t until I was a mother of a child learning in far more advanced ways than I that I could ever understand the hidden meaning of those stories.

In the curriculum I continue to work on and implement with my clients I talk a lot about the generation gap. I believe it is important to understand our family dynamics in order to understand ourselves better. In doing so I find that recognizing the differences in generations of the family to be significant. I certainly live in a different world than my mom when she was 41 and my son lives in a different world at 9 than I did at that age. Without recognition of those differences, I will fail to understand the people in my family, thus, failing an ability to communicate with them…..which will lead to the success or failure of our relationships. It is simply summed up in the adage, “don’t judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes”……

Even if he rolls his eyes behind my back, I will continue to tell him the stories and hope some will stick.

What If'ing Again?

So, I was having a conversation with a friend who was wondering how different life would be if a decision made years ago would have been another. I guess we all do that from time to time, don’t we? What if we had taken that job we were offered? What if we had married this person instead of that?

Today I can honestly say that I am completely okay with the past. While, there are decisions I would make differently today, I would not change anything about my past. The decisions I made then were the ones I made then based on the information and experience I had.

For instance, when I was 21 years old I had my first boyfriend (yes, really my first boyfriend was when I was 21)! I would probably not engage in a conversation with him today. But back then I thought he hung the moon. I made foolish decisions in that relationship. I was incredibly codependent and made him first and foremost.

If you know me today you might scratch your head and say, “codependent? Not Paula”. But, the reason I am a different person today is because of the decisions I made in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly…..the choices I made before helped make me this person I am today.

That relationship alone grew me a million percent. Were it not for being in that relationship it is likely I would have quit college and not have pursued the profession I have devoted nearly twenty years of my life to. Were it not for being in that relationship I would not understand what real love is. Not because he was the real thing….but because he was not.

Everything that has occurred in my life, good and bad…..have brought me here. So there are no “what if’s” of wonder related to my past. Only “what could be’s” related to my future.

That is education.

Tuesday Poem

Moving into the future with confidence and strength.

Not the same as in the past.

Not looking to become who I once was…

Only looking to become who I am to be.

Miss You...

All that I am comes from your love. You are the inspiration of my life, of my heart.

Time Stood Still....

I facilitated a group yesterday and when I got to the part about how response to situations yield the outcome I mentioned, for the first time in a group, about the loss of my parents. I haven’t kept it a secret, but I don’t readily discuss my pain with groups in that way. And I wasn’t discussing the sadness, just the facts. I briefly indicated how different it was to lose my dad at twenty five to a sudden and unexpected death as opposed to losing my mom at forty…..of what was sudden and unexpected but the reality of her having had cancer for two years did better prepare me for eventually losing her.

After I shared that information I moved along okay. But, interestingly, I came home last night and my body was aching. I was very tired but have been unable to sleep most of the night. I have taken three hot baths and still cannot turn off my heart. The day is just around the corner.

And when all is quiet and still I cannot escape the memories of that day. That morning, that afternoon, that drive, and that evening. As if it were yesterday, it looms in my heart.

That morning I recall watching my son take the trash out. When he got to the sidewalk to step onto the street I remember thinking how at that very moment I feared his walking across the street. So many things can happen accidentally. The reason I thought that was probably because of the car accident my mom had sixteen days prior. The idea came into my head at the moment that I wanted to create a workshop about living for today….I wanted to call it, “If today were the last day”…..

When I got to the office that morning I quickly wrote a synopsis, objectives and an outline for just such a workshop. I submitted it to a conference I frequently present. Two hours later my brother called to urge me to come to the hospital because my mom wasn’t going to live. That came as a surprise since I had just left believing she would.

The drive to pack my things, the phone calls along the way, picking up my son at school and telling him what was happening all race through my mind again and again…..and then that phone call…..the one to my sister…asking her if mom could just hang on until I got there….

But she couldn’t.

And time stood still.

This Time of the Year...

This time of the year has become difficult. I can’t deny the entire past year has been arduous. Ironic, how fall has always been one of my favorite seasons but with it now comes the constant reminder of what was happening this time just last year.

I will not forget October 25 and the sixteen days that followed before her death. Those few moments when my mom’s car slid off the road and changed our lives forever are etched into my heart and woven through every emotion.

My dad passed away in November, also. I don’t want to believe November is the cause or that fall can no longer be one of my favorite seasons. But it seems beyond my ability today not to relate the season with the heartbreak of being a parentless child.

Feeling more than adrift this last year, I have done a great deal of thinking, writing, weeping, and struggling. It seems as if there is a firm delineation in my mind: Before the car accident and after. Life without mom is tough. Not that I was expecting her to be in my life forever. I understand the circle of life. And because she had cancer I knew the day would come. Perhaps, I didn’t understand the exact impact of a daughter dealing with the loss of a mother. How different it is than the loss of any other. But, it does appear to be dissimilar to any other.

The gratitude I have is that I had a fabulous relationship with my mom. She had a special way about her. Each of her kids had a unique relationship with her. There was something different and special about each of our bonds. We each have something different we have taken into our lives because of her. That tells me how exceptional she was and how lucky we all are to have had the parents we had and the memories they left for us.

November 10 is around the corner…and it is looming in my mind. I think back to this day last year and remember being at the hospital. I remember my son going to a local Halloween carnival instead of his usual ritual of trick or treating in our neighborhood because we were there instead. I remember thinking as much as I didn’t want to leave the hospital she would have wanted her grandson to enjoy a few hours away. And I remember believing she was going to be okay.

It seems my thoughts are too random right now to piece things together. I will get there. That is another quality she provided…..the ability to triumph no matter how grave the situation.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~ Pericles

Feeling out of words today….I know, hard to believe. So I want to share one of my all time favorites that I’ve given to clients and friends for years……




Autobiography In Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson


Chapter I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same placebut, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are openI know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Hope?

Today feels different than the three-hundred thirty before. Something changed on Sunday when I was sitting on my bed crying while having a conversation with my baby daddy. Something was different when I woke up on Monday. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was. But when I woke up today I recognized what I have that was absent for nearly the last year. I believe today I have hope.

In my fear of going astray again as I have recently, I am not getting as excited as I suppose I could. But today isn’t as grey as a week ago. And I am inspired.

So it shall be....

Slight Modification

I am on the last day of this detox/cleanse that I kindly refer to as “the devil”. While sipping my non-caffeinated herb tea and pondering the events of this past week, I smile at the irony of my life.

This morning my Sonshine and I had an in-depth discussion about self control. The concept is one he is taught at Catholic school daily. One he struggles with from time to time. At home, apparently because I want to ruin his life, I have a point system he lives by. Where that boy inherited the trait of being dramatic escapes me.....cough...cough. Points equal a monetary value. When he doesn’t score the highest point we have talks like the one we had this morning where I am told how this point system interferes with his life. And I confidently tell him about how life works.

The irony is that I view myself as a rule follower. But following rules isn’t that easy, is it miss thang? (that is the voice in my own head talking to myself about me!)

This detox/cleanse….well, I need to begin calling it a Modified Detox/Cleanse…or MDC…from this point forward. Who modified it, you might ask? My doctor? My nutritionist? My best friend? My mechanic? Nope, nope, uh-uh, and no!

It was me. I found not chewing a little difficult. So, while I still took all the supplements as scheduled, said goodbye to caffeine, stopped sugars (spice and all things nice), and juiced my 87 pounds of vegetables each day….I also ate! Yes, I did. I had a salad the second day. I had three chips with salsa the third day, another salad on the fourth and will probably have another one today. As a matter of fact, I am going to a wedding tonight….and I might even lick the icing off the fork of a friend...or someone I want to make friends with (wink wink)!

Funny, I think back to my mom in this instance. She was diabetic. She called my sister Nurse Ratchet because she monitored her exercise and food intake strictly. And when I was with her I let her slide some. If she wanted something deemed “bad” by a doctor I would order it for me and let her have a few bites. Maybe that is why I was her favorite child!

….My siblings don’t generally read my blog so I feel confident saying that here….but don't tell them I proclaimed this publicly as it might be a slight overzealous idea....

All in all, though, I feel okay about the seven days of change. I didn’t follow the rules exactly. Maybe I am not as rigid or black and white as I once thought. This actually gives me a great deal of hope in many other areas of my life where I need to change.

Something to ponder….or not…

Anywhere but Here....

To escape the ache
To get away from the pain
To break free from the anguish

To be anywhere but here

Where is here?

My own thoughts.
My own mind.
My own body.
Myself…..

But that is an impossible journey

No ability to flee from me
And what a difficult spot to be in when there is
No desire to be me…

But getting there....one day at a time....

Day Two....not so hot!

Purification Log, Day Two

Well, the book tells me I can do 2 days, 7 days or 21. I was aiming for 7 but as the close of day 2 comes into view I wonder if this isn’t going to end as a 2 day cleanse, with one indulgence of a salad at lunch. Wow! Hard isn’t how I would describe this. It is definitely a challenge but moreover, the physical symptoms overwhelm. Who knew I had so many toxins? And that cellular level emotional stuff the book warned of has hit today. Lord, I have enough emotional surface baggage, I don’t need any to come up from the cellular level.

I don’t know the outcome yet. I know I have done as much as I can and for that I feel okay.

More to come…..

Bye-Bye Diet Dr. Pepper!

Purification log, Day One:

The word purification may be too strong. I don’t believe I will be “pure” when this is over. Oh, how I wish. Maybe, nah, on second thought….I just want to be cleansed. I covet my jadedness. I don’t want this cleanse to take that from me! Sarcasm is a second language and I like being bilingual. Besides, people who know me may tell you it might take longer than a week to make me pure again!

I have been up and moving for more than two hours. And so far it has been going well (don’t make fun of the fact that I need to track my progress after only two hours, okay?). Upon waking I had more supplements, vitamins and minerals than I have taken since the third grade. I am sure of it. I had an antioxidant drink, an herbal cleansing formula, three glasses of water, a list of enzymes longer than my hand, a prebiotic (not to be confused with the probiotic that will come later in the day), a package of supplements containing, I kid you not: fennel seed, artichoke leaf, ginger root, licorice root, peppermint leaf, garlic bulb, clove bud, pomegranate, fructooligosaccharides (I think that was all one word), curcumin, and chamomile flower…and finally washed it all down with juiced carrots and beets. And don't poo poo the carrots and beets. I picked that on purpose. It is actually a great mixture!

Now I am supposed to have more…..let me see what is next. Oh, thank goodness. It is only tea. And I am choosing green tea this time. All non-caffeinated, of course, so if I die you will know it was from caffeine withdrawal. I read the book twice and I can’t find a Diet Dr. Pepper on this list of “yes’s”. Funny, I can’t find anything I typically consume in a day on that list. While that should tell me a thing or two about the path my consumption has taken I trick my mind into believing that at the end of this I will be writing a letter to this well acclaimed doctor to tell her she should consider adding Hershey’s syrup on day three!

I am feeling upbeat and confident, as the book suggested I would. However, in that ugly place in my brain I have that impending doom feeling related to knowing the book also said that enthusiasm might pass by day three when the "grouchy" should be expected. Great! And does the doctor wonder why I am already considering making this cyclical? Two days of happiness and enthusiasm…pizza and guilt….two days of happiness and enthusiasm…pizza!

I will be back to blog if I survive the morning.

Time to Cleanse!

I am starting a detox/cleanse tomorrow. I read about it and threatened to do it in January. It only lasted a day. This time I have prepared for a week. On Friday I bought the supplements and vitamins I will take and today I will buy all the fresh vegetables. I think I have a good understanding about what to do each day. I am not as sure I have the ability. Even my sweet son said, “I doubt you will last until Tuesday”. Yep, his faith in mom is strong!

The idea of doing a cleansing detox may be much more exciting than actually doing one. And I hesitate to publicly proclaim such a feat for fear I won’t be able to follow through. I come from a long line of stubborn. As a matter of fact we have coined the term in my lineage when someone is acting inflexible, we say they are suffering from the “triple H”. That is the Heller Hard Head!

I have two siblings that run....on purpose....not because they are being chased by anything.... And when they are training for something or just decide they are going to run they do it every day….rain or shine, event or none. I guess I have that triple H but for me my tenacity shines through more often when trying to finish a bag of chips or cookie dough ice cream. I won’t let anything get in my way!

I have several reasons for doing this cleanse. Part of it is simply because I have been eating like a mad woman since early in the summer and want to get myself back on track to cleaner eating. There are also a few kumbaya type reasons that make sense in my head but not so much when I put them on paper….so for now I will keep those in my heart.....but the book I am getting this wisdom from encourages seeing a therapist related to the cellular level emotions that might break free during this cleanse. Oy vay! Why do I do this again?

I will keep in mind the benefits touted of this doctor from Martha's Vineyard....The ones I want: Healthier skin (just turned 41...check), potential weight loss (mmm....no before and after pictures will be posted but....check), better emotional health (have you ever read my blog?.....check), and better spiritual health (frankly, I never understand why people always claim food -or lack thereof- will make me more spiritual and I am frightened to find out if it is because I will be so hungry I will be forced to pray a lot.....but, okay....check)!

Oh, and God....I promise I will also try not to eat three pizzas today simply because I am afraid that I will starve tomorrow....agreed? Thanks!

So this is my shot at being accountable. I am doing it. I begin tomorrow. I pray to make it through the week.

Happy Cleansing!

P.S. Spell check indicated I misspelled the word "Emotions or emotional" three times. Hellooooo....God, what am I a in for?

Recovery Today Article Link

October article in Recovery today......

http://www.recoverytoday.net/articles/232-meaning-of-life

What If.....

What if one day you woke up and were happy
And it didn’t matter the extenuating circumstances?

What if one day you cared less of what others thought of you
And believed more in what you know about you?

What if one day you did something that scared you
Just because you wanted to know how it felt?

What if one day you decided your purpose
And you pursued your dream?

What if one day you didn’t respond to criticism
Or judgment
And carried it even farther by not judging or criticizing others?

What if…..what if we had a what if day? What would you do?

What if?