An Interesting Thing About Pain

I look back at my blog history and see the transition from painful struggle to fruitful health. In the deepest, darkest despair, it seems I have been most prolific and creative. There are years my posts exceed 100. Other years there are only a handful.

I still love to write. But pain pushes my pen through valleys in a way I have yet to achieve in times of great happiness.

I have much to learn.

Anyone who knows me is exceedingly aware of my fascination with the rapper Eminem. I have hear so many people comment on his work (I take umbrage with this sentiment, by the way.) saying his music was better when he was on drugs. To me, that is akin to liking a person better when they are in pain rather than in celebration of health. Maybe he has the same issue as I. 

Sometimes when your life has been so filled with darkness, the shadows are more familiar than the light.

I have much to learn. 

From Brene Brown

If your faith asks you to find the face of God in everyone you meet, that should include the politicians, media, and strangers on social media with whom you most violently disagree. When you desecrate their divinity, you desecrate your own, and betray your humanity.

If you are offended or hurt when you hear Hillary Clinton called bitch, whore, or the c-word, you should be equally offended and hurt when you hear those same words used to describe Ivanka Trump or Kellyanne Conway. 

If you’re offended by a meme of Trump Photoshopped to look like Hitler, then you shouldn’t have Obama Photoshopped to look like the Joker on your Facebook feed.

Successful dehumanizing, creates moral exclusion. Groups targeted based on their identity—gender, ideology, skin color, ethnicity, religion, age—are depicted as “less than” or criminal or even evil. The targeted group eventually falls out of the scope of who is naturally protected by our moral code.

There is a line. It’s etched from dignity. And raging, fearful people from the right and left are crossing it at unprecedented rates every single day. We must never tolerate dehumanization—the primary instrument of violence that has been used in every genocide recorded throughout history.

~ Brene Brown 

Autoimmune Support Group

I was rebellious. I did not want to do what it was going to take to make the major diet changes you told me about. I believed you when you told me the results would be worth it, but I didn’t want to go through the discomfort change would inevitably bring. 

Fast food was easy. Processed food was addictive. Sodas were my lifeblood. I was in a hurry. I was too tired to plan for meals. 

I finally did it. 3-weeks ago. 

I am no longer bloated. My body does not ache. I haven’t needed a nap. My mind is more clear. I am not as hungry as I was before. I’ve lost 13 pounds without trying. 

Thank you for being patient with me while I proved to myself that my own way was not working. 

Hard Headed

Forgiveness

When we begin doing our emotional work, we often find that the ones we blame for our pain do not hold the key to our healing. 

Finally, after the healing and realization that our parents did the best they could with what they had...and that they never intended to do anything less than the best...we forgive them and form an amazing adult relationship. 

By the time it takes us to realize our parents were only human - with faults as well as remarkable qualities - so much time has gone by...

Deep Cleaning

A couple of times a year I do a little "Spring cleaning". I like to deep clean everything in the house - the baseboards, ceiling fans, cabinets, closets, and bookshelves. 

Three of my office walls are lined with bookshelves. I stood before the bookshelves surveying the contents. Not only do the shelves hold books, but mementos and photographs. I thumbed through a few of the books in an attempt to recall the reason I decided to keep them during the last round of deep cleaning. 

From my office I moved into my closet. One of three closets in the master bedroom. I use one of the closets for shoes, hats, scarves, and purses. I noticed shoes I have not worn in over a year. I saw one pair peeping from the bottom of a shelf that I have not worn in many years. 

The same story could be told of the contents of the kitchen and bath cabinets, as well as other nooks and crannies throughout the house. Interestingly, I am not a clutter-bug. I keep things neat and tidy. Nonetheless, there is far too much. Items I no longer use and hang onto "just in case". Many baubles kept simply because of emotional attachment. 

Incidentally, I find myself keeping knickknacks because of my attachment to the person with whom the knickknack is associated, rather than an attachment to the object. I feel overwhelmingly cleansed after a thorough deep cleaning of my home. Each time I go through the process I am reminded of how amazing an act that is relatively simple can become. The process is cathartic. Why then do I resist? 

Deep cleaning my home parallels with the deep cleaning of the soul. I wonder...what am I hanging onto "just in case"? 

Do I hold onto emotions? People? Connections? Of course, I do. What is the reason? Fear, maybe? Comfort, probably? 

Deep cleaning a home is cathartic. Imagine the relief of deep cleaning toxicity from your life. Let go of the junk. Get rid of the tchotchkes - emotional, physical, mental. These weigh far too much and add clutter.

Time for a cleanse!

Senior Night

I admit it. I got a bit tearful walking across the football field last 

night. My son ushered us, standing in between his parents, as the 

announcer introduced us and spoke of the dreams for his future.

When the football game ended even my son was a bit reminiscent. 

He has played many games on that field. To imagine that was the 

last brought many memories and emotions.

Children grow up. That is their job.

I still see him as a little boy at times. I am so proud of the young 

man he is becoming and looking forward to his future…but I admit 

I will not let go of the memories.

No doubt, I love my Senior.

I Miss Me

I miss the old me. The person I was for most of my life. The person who loved to travel, engage anyone in conversation, laugh, joke, go places, and dream. 

That woman had goals. She took on each day with curiosity and plans. She traveled the world and stayed up nights to log the journeys with brilliant words. 

I miss the person I was before autoimmune disease. I long for her. I want the people in my life to know her. I want to be her instead of only in my memory. 

Now many days I feel old, closer to an end than a beginning. I move through my days tending to what must be done rather than dreaming of or working toward what could be. 

I’ve lost me...or I have been stolen. 

Time for a Podcast!

I am currently recording a series of podcasts. Why not!

Living in Consciousness: the podcast will focus on living with authenticity. There will be informative topics; Q & A; guests; and location recordings.

I hope you will gear up to join me in January 2019.

#Blog.SocialMedia.Workbook.PublicSpeaking.WhyNotAPodcast

Addiction Advocacy

What do an astronaut, actor, senator, game show host, and Cy Young award winning baseball player have in common?

In 1799, in Native America, The Handsome Lake Movement was formed as a support program for people struggling with Substance Use Disorder. In the 1950’s the American Medical Association (AMA) assigned a list of symptomology to Substance Use Disorder.

In 1976, in an effort to dispel the myths people held about only poor or unsuccessful people being impacted by addiction, 50 influential people in recovery came together in Washington, D.C. to share about recovery. This event was called, Operation Understanding.  Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, Actor Dick Van Dyke, Senator Harold Hughes, To Tell the Truth host Gary Moore, and Cy Young Award winning baseball player Don Newcombe were just a few of the people in recovery who shared their own journey to make way for others to do the same.

Today 23.5 million Americans live in recovery yet people struggling with addiction are often shamed when seeking help. The reason? Society has viewed Substance Use Disorder as a moral failing, a weakness. Time and time again research has shown that Substance Use Disorder is not a moral issue, rather, a condition needing to be treated just as any other.

We have the proof we need to understand addiction as a treatable condition.

Even the Surgeon General agrees. In November 2016, the Surgeon General released the first report on Alcohol, Drugs, and Health. The findings in the report echo information the recovery community has long believed and experienced.

To note only some of the findings: "Addiction is a chronic brain disease and has the potential for recurrence and recovery; The addiction progress involves a three-stage cycle that becomes more severe when continued; Brain functioning as the addiction cycle progresses reduces the person’s ability to control use showing disruptions in three areas of the brain: the basal ganglia, extended amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex. Those disruptions: increase desire for substance; reduce pleasure/reward experience and increase brain stress system; reduce function in the executive control system. Changes in the brain last long after substance use stops; and Adolescence is a critical period for being “at risk” for use and addiction and all addictive drugs have especially harmful effects."

Addiction Language

I have fallen down on blogging since I began working on the UNT Recovery to Practice Hogg Foundation Grant. We are accomplishing amazing things through this project. 

Taken directly from a post I made in the Recovery to Practice Communities of Practice. The more research I do this summer the more I wonder....

When are organizations going to change their names to become current with language?

I know that is a tall order and does take time. I am aware of some changes to assist, such as:

In Dallas....now referred to as "The Council" and now named "The Council on Alcohol and Drugs" was historically known as The Greater Dallas Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse.

Nationally, NAADAC now refers to themselves as the "The Association for Addiction Professionals", while their official name is the National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors.

Are you aware of any other organizations making these small, but huge, changes in their name?

I am writing and writing and writing...explaining about  discrimination & stigma to express the importance of language. Then I make my citations and references..."Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration".

Irony.

Missing Moments?

Have you ever had something to say but didn’t say it? I am not talking about those major things in life. I’m not referring to controversial confrontations; the childhood issues many of us to seek counseling for. I mean the small stuff

There is a woman who works in your office who is answering the telephones all day, has it ever crossed your mind that she has a big job and is vital to your success?

Your officemate always remembers that you take two creams and no sugar in your coffee?

Your spouse remembers to fill your gas tank each week or take the trash to the curb every Wednesday night?

Your child who remembers to text you to brighten your day once in a while?

If you know me - in person or through my writing - you likely know I think a lot. You may also remember that when I am doing chores is one of my “prime thinking” time. I am often thinking of others in my life each day.

It is the small things that I think of. The small things, that when added up, are a huge part of the goodness in my life.

I’ve made a conscious effort recently to tell people when they are on my heart are in my mind. I cannot tell you if that action has made much of a difference to them, but it has made a difference to me.

Perhaps, it is in the aging process, but I know for me the thought of how much life I have left has been much more pronounced for me in the last few years.

Our time on earth will be through who will not be aware that I appreciated them? Who will not know that we noticed?

I notice.

ID TV

After watching ID TV for months on end I’ve realized something. I need to get out more! Being home watching television is never a good alibi.

Humor intended!

History belonging to a stranger....

We just purchased a home built in the 70s. It was left as part of an inheritance to a person who lives out of state. From the moment I walked into that home, it felt perfect for my family. Sadly, belongings of the previous owner were left behind. Today, in a vintage trunk, left in a weathered storage shed, I found baby booties, letters and cards from as far back as 1947, and many other memories families often cherish. I'd like ideas for displaying (and honoring) a collection of these.

I found 8 and 10 ¢ stamps on many letters. 

Does anyone know how to find the family of people who may have already passed? I've been going through the belongings left in this home we purchased and there are so many sentimental memories left behind. It breaks my heart to know there may be a child or grandchild without them. Any ideas are welcome!

Someone else's history. 

 #FirstHomeReno  #FrenchCountryFuture #UncoveringSouthRidge

Snow and family

Spring break in one digit temperatures and continuous snowfall may not sound exactly like the springtime thing to do, but my family has never been traditional. We love what we love and we enjoy traveling, even when it isn't typical. Actually, we may like that part even more. 

We enjoyed every bit of the freezing snowball fights, layered clothing, wearing parkas while friends were dawning swimwear across the country, and even tromping the lonely island of Mackinac because most people schedule their visits after May. 

The final night, as we all snuggled up, as comfortable as possible and recounted our eight day journey, my heart felt full. 

We were warm.

Driving

My mom's car accident is not my son's burden, yet I cannot breathe
Sitting in the backseat, pushing down the tears and I cannot catch my breath

My anxiety rises and I have no desire to allow myself to be overtaken
This cannot consume me
Yet, here I am struggling for a breath

one....two....three....breathe....

The burden of my anxiety is not my child's
My mother's accident is my history, not his