Conversation Hearts

Valentine’s Day 1998 was, without a doubt, the most bitter of all. I was 28. I wasn’t married and had no prospects. I wanted a baby. Doing that without a husband wasn’t in the cards. Love had not only escaped my grasp but love had not even given me a drive by. I hadn't realized how hostile I was until sitting at the half-time festivities of a San Antonio Spurs game. A couple was getting married. The Coyote was officiating. That makes me giggle now. Back then I recall yelling ugly things like, “Don’t do it”! at the happy couple. Yes, that was me. Obnoxious jilted girl, party of one.

Since 1998 I was married and have a wonderful son. The marriage was exactly what I needed at the time. Even if we aren’t together anymore, it was a wonderful gift of experience.

In the years since 1998 I have learned many valuable lessons. First, I realized how small my world was at that time. I also realized love does exist but must first exist inside of myself.

Cliché, I know. But it is true. Cynicism is ugly. Sarcasm is hurtful. Becoming broad-minded to the ideas of others, open to my self-growth, and looking for happiness in countless ways (instead of just romance) has created a kind of peace and contentment inside that cannot be described. But can be seen.

I do have love. I do have romance. I do have intimacy. I do have all of the joys that life can bring. If only I can go back and have a face-to-face with that broken girl from 1998……

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone.

Thrown Away

As if it's been thrown away

Hopes and dreams

My soul

feels crumbled up and discarded

By the same one who promised to treat me gently if I let him in

And he did

for so long

Then the moment came when I was without barrier

And said those sweet words

of love and forever

That's when he decided

I might not be enough

Admitting I may never be

Causing my worst fear to come forward

And there is nothing I can do

Nothing I can say

To change my value in his eyes

He wants me to believe the words he shared were real

Only days before deciding I may never make him happy

He spoke words of love, longing and lifetime

Suddenly without warning he stole them all back

And my heart is breaking

My heart is lying on the floor in a pool of tears

I keep asking the same questions only to have them unanswered

I am screaming out

"HOW DID WE GO FROM THAT MAGICAL PLACE....THAT PLACE OF BLISS AND FOREVER to here"?

Overnight

and "WHY, OH GOD, EXPLAIN WHY DID HE HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN THAT ROAD WHERE I FINALLY TRUSTED WITHOUT QUESTION only to break my heart into little pieces"?

Fighting the reaffirmation that I can't believe in men

That nothing lasts forever

And that I will never be enough......

The Optimist's Creed

I need this today. I hope you like it, too.....

by Christian D. Larson

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Echoes From the Past

Echoes from the past

I held my breath when he told me "we need to talk"...

I hold my breath each time anyone tells me "we need to talk"....

Because....

Of fear

Of past talks

Of the urgency to run

Of the knowing

...truly knowing

Even when it's only a lie I continue to tell myself....

That he's going to say

It's over

It's not working

It's not enough

You're not enough

You'll never be enough

No you'll never be enough

Enough

And I create pain to feel

When it's not even rational

Or true

But that's not what he says

Not this time

Not last time

Not anytime

It's just me in my head hearing echoes from the past

01-05-2012

PHG

Love

I saw this image on one of my favorite facebook pages (http://www.facebook.com/MyExceptionalLiving) and I started thinking....What holds us back from the expression of love when it's human nature to possess? What is the reason so many people guard against the one thing we all long for? Fear is the common denominator I hear in conversation. Excuses not to love, be loved or express love sound like a symphony of angst, a cacophony of trepidation: "I'll never let anyone in again", "I'll never forgive her", "I'm not going to be hurt again in this lifetime", "If I say it and he doesn't say it back I'll be embarrassed", "What if I say it and they break my heart later"? No doubt these are rational thoughts. Haven't we all had them from time to time? But to live in them? To what end? Loneliness, bitterness, baggage and walls? We keep people at bay believing we are protecting ourselves but in the long run aren't we really losing out? I'm not talking about running amuck, taking what I can get when it's given. I'm talking about real, pure, grown-up expression and demonstrations of a feeling coming from inside. This is my personal decision: This time around I'm not going to hold love hostage. I'm going to, with consideration of others hearts, say the things I'd like to say each day, even when I'm afraid of sending out unreturned emotion. This is life. My one and only life. If I've got passion, warmth and love in my heart, my commitment is to express it freely, without expectation. Regardless of what comes back, at the end of the day I want to lay my head down knowing you never had to wonder if I loved you. I do.

Decisions, Transitions, and Peace

If someone in my life could grow with confrontation and feedback, why would I choose to refrain?

So many reasons…..but those most important to the decision I have made to remove myself emotionally instead of continue to engage is simply for the protection of my own serenity and mental health.

The decision did not come easily and, on occasion, I can find myself emotionally in that toxic space again. I am thankful it is no longer daily. Some of the transitions I had to make in order to reach the decision of self-preservation were paradigm shifts in my thinking and beliefs. While difficult during engagement, they have proven to be the right decisions for the outcome I desired: Peace.

There are times I wish I had the ability to provide the feedback to the person because I see their life spiraling out of control and their circle of support diminishing. However, I must rely on the information and experience I have with these attempts. None in the past have worked. Many, including myself, have given them feedback and approached them in genuine concern and love only to be meet with aggression and resistance. On most occasions these attempts are then held against the concerned party and eventually vented back in rage and venomous attacks. While that belligerent behavior is one of the many things that cause people great concern, apparently, it will continue to work as the defense mechanism for this individual to stay sick and stuck. Who wants to be attacked when they go to a person in genuine worry and concern?

I do care about this person. I do not hold resentments. I have let go. My wish for them may never come true. I had hoped they would see their own faults and become responsible for them…and change and stay changed. But I understand my journey and theirs are not the same. I know how freeing it is to take responsibility, in word and deed, for my actions. Today that has to be enough.

Prayerful and Peaceful

Just Write Something

I have slacked in my writing lately. So I am following the simple directions of several fellow bloggers. Just write something.

It is the holiday season.....

In the past few weeks I have put up my Christmas tree then put it up again. The dear little thing fell over in the middle of the night. I lost a few ornaments. But this one remains intact. And it is a favorite.

This year I have attempted to bring a festive mood back to this time of the year for my son's sake. And I see that he is talking about his grandmother a lot more. This is our first year with Max, our dog. My Sonshine even bought him a stocking to hang on the mantel. I love his spirit of giving. He is a lot like his grandmother. That reminds me she will be with us always.

My commitment to myself (and you) is to write more often. Even if only a little.

Happy Holidays.

Fall in College

In the fall of 1992 I was a junior at The University of North Texas. I moved to Denton from San Antonio, where I was attending UTSA, the school I wanted to attend. Why did I move? A man.

He was a drug user and often abusive. In October of 1992 I decided to leave. My family drove to Denton and packed a Uhaul with my belongings and took me back to Central Texas. At the time I thought I might die from brokenness. Interestingly, that was probably when I began some of the most incredible growth of my life.

I had the guts to face demons, live without an unhealthy relationship and redefine what I wanted in my life.

Nearly twenty years later I am walking around the same campus, in a much different role. And I see things that look familiar but feel no feelings that look the same. I have so much gratitude for the person I have become in those twenty years. So grateful for making that decision. Because this is a month of Thanksgiving, I thought I would remind myself that even, or especially, during times of struggle I have grown.

Thanks.

Austin Community College Article

Here is a link about the Big Texas Rally for Recovery written by a student at ACC. Well done, Aaron.


http://www.theaccent.org/multimedia/students-texans-rally-for-recovery-1.2637807#.Tp1CNLLqkul

Austin

About six and a half months ago I embarked on a new journey that led me to Austin, Texas. The first day I arrived I felt like a fish out of water. I recall going to the corporate apartment that evening and calling several people to let them know I didn't think I would make it. But, I did.

Now my work in Austin is almost over. And I have a new direction in DFW. But a piece of my heart is still there.

I have met some incredible people that will take me back to Central Texas. Some who have forever changed my life. I am a richer person because of the experience. I am a stronger person because of the experience.

I will remind myself time and again that the first day was easily overcome. As have been most of my struggles. And I turned out much happier for taking them on.

I will miss you. But I will be back.

Drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in U.S., data show

Fueling the surge are prescription pain and anxiety drugs that are potent, highly addictive and especially dangerous.

Lori Smith of Aliso Viejo with photographs of her son Nolan, who died of a drug overdose in January 2009, six months shy of his 16th birthday. A toxicology test turned up Zoloft, which had been prescribed for anxiety, and a host of other drugs that had not been prescribed, including two additional anti-anxiety drugs, as well as morphine and marijuana. (Liz O. Baylen / Los Angeles Times / September 18, 2011).


Propelled by an increase in prescription narcotic overdoses, drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in the United States, a Times analysis of government data has found.

Drugs exceeded motor vehicle accidents as a cause of death in 2009, killing at least 37,485 people nationwide, according to preliminary data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

While most major causes of preventable death are declining, drugs are an exception. The death toll has doubled in the last decade, now claiming a life every 14 minutes. By contrast, traffic accidents have been dropping for decades because of huge investments in auto safety.

Public health experts have used the comparison to draw attention to the nation's growing prescription drug problem, which they characterize as an epidemic. This is the first time that drugs have accounted for more fatalities than traffic accidents since the government started tracking drug-induced deaths in 1979.

Fueling the surge in deaths are prescription pain and anxietydrugs that are potent, highly addictive and especially dangerous when combined with one another or with other drugs or alcohol. Among the most commonly abused areOxyContin, Vicodin, Xanax and Soma. One relative newcomer to the scene is Fentanyl, a painkiller that comes in the form of patches and lollipops and is 100 times more powerful than morphine.

Such drugs now cause more deaths than heroin and cocaine combined.

The most commonly abused prescription drug, hydrocodone, also is the most widely prescribed drug in America, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency. Better known as Vicodin, the pain reliever is prescribed more often than the top cholesterol drug and the top antibiotic.

"We have an insatiable appetite for this drug — insatiable," Joseph T. Rannazzisi, a top DEA administrator, told a group of pharmacists at a regulatory meeting in Sacramento.

In April, the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy announced initiatives aimed at stanching prescription drug abuse. The plans include a series of drug take-back days, modeled after similar programs involving weapons, in which consumers are encouraged to turn leftover prescription drugs in to authorities.

Another initiative would develop voluntary courses to train physicians on how to safely prescribe pain drugs, a curriculum that is not widely taught in medical schools.

Initial attempts to reverse the trend in drug deaths — such as state-run prescription drug-monitoring programs aimed at thwarting "doctor-shopping" addicts — don't appear to be having much effect, experts say.

"What's really scary is we don't know a lot about how to reduce prescription deaths," said Amy S.B. Bohnert, a researcher at the University of Michigan Medical School who is studying ways to lower the risk of prescription drugs.

"It's a wonderful medical advancement that we can treat pain," Bohnert said. "But we haven't figured out the safety belt yet."

Where were you?

My son turned 8 months old on 9/11/2001. His dad had only been out of the military a few months. We’d just moved back from Germany. We built a new home in Rockwall County and been there only two months.

I went to work that day. With a long time friend and colleague I was taking my first group of students from the LCDC Training School (now called Institute of Chemical Dependency Studies) on a ROPES course. As we were driving down the road I received a phone call from my son’s dad. He told me what was happening.

I shared the information with everyone in the van. Everyone started making phone calls. I called a friend still working on the military base in Germany. Then I called a friend who lived in Brooklyn, New York, though that call would not go through.

I remember having a great deal of fear and so many questions. The students decided to continue on with the ROPES course that day, as there was little we could do from Dallas, Texas. After we finished we stopped in a store with a grill and got some food. We ate there while we watched the first television broadcasts we’d seen all day.

I felt fear about my son’s dad having just gotten out of the military. I was afraid they would call him back. He would have loved being able to go back but I was worried about our sweet little 8-month old boy being without him.

I felt distress about the world my son would be raised in. I knew in my heart America would never be the same after 9/11/2001.

In the days that followed I felt a great deal of pride in America and its people. Strangers were coming together because silently we all seemed to know it was necessary. I remember wondering, and even hearing on television, discussions about when the right time to go back to doing things we used to do would be.

I sensed we never really would go back to the way it once was. When Homeland Security was developed and everyday since I have never once been angry for being asked to remove my shoes or allow my bags to be examined at the airport. I do get frustrated when people are upset about this process. I have visited countries that do much more search in an airport and never even ask permission. I understood the mandatory change.

Life hasn’t been the same. It likely never will.

I value my freedom. I support our troops and I thank God everyday that I am a citizen of the best country on earth. I won’t ever forget that day. I wrote my son a letter that day hoping to capture what life was like before. One day maybe he will understand its significance.

God Bless America.

Big Nate

My Sonshine had an author visit his school this week....and the author mentioned him in his blog. He was so excited!!!!

http://www.bignatebooks.com/about-the-author

Support Needed

I am writing you today to tell you about an upcoming event that I am participating in that is both very important and very exciting to me. NAMIWalks, the signature walkathon event of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is being held in Ft. Worth, TX at Fort Worth Botanic Garden on October 15, 2011.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. Visit my personal walker page to sign up: http://www.nami.org/namiwalks11/NTC/PaulaHellerGarland

It features a link to my team's page where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate directly to me online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I'll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities "most likely to save the world" and has been given an "A" rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Sincerely,

Paula Heller Garland

Ice Cream Social in Austin Wednesday!

Dear Caroline, Beat the Heat and come join us for the TEXAS RECOVERS! Ice Cream Social this Wednesday, August 17th from 2 - 3:30pm at Communities for Recovery in Austin, Texas. Paula Heller-Garland, the Project Director for the BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY will be there to share the message and purpose of this important state-wide inaugural event in Texas. Please invite your friends, family, business and community allies too! The purpose of this Ice Cream Social is to share with you the opportunities to get involved: Learn about THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY Volunteer at the THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY Share your ideas to support THE RALLY Help us bring over 10,000 people to the State Capitol on Saturday, October 1, 2011 to RALLY FOR RECOVERY. We need your voice to help bring awareness to ending the STIGMA and DISCRIMINATION often associated with people living in and seeking RECOVERY!! Please RSVP by clicking here!! Texas Recovers! is a non-profit organization working to change public perceptions about RECOVERY from substance use and co-occurring mental health conditions, increase accessibility to recovery supports, and highlight the power of recovery to change lives in a positive way. HELP SUPPORT PEOPLE LIVING IN AND SEEKING RECOVERY TODAY! PURCHASE YOUR "RECOVERY ROCKS" RIBBON STICKER TODAY. Click below to get a "Recovery Rocks" Ribbon: 1 RIBBON FOR $5.00 3 RIBBONS FOR $10.00 CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY!!