Compassion Fatigue

It is Wednesday of my week long vacation. Today is the first day I did not begin the day by checking my work email or the office calendar. Although; I admit, I did eventually find myself doing so, I am happy to report that a majority of the events were sent to my “to do” folder. As I pen this entry I am glad to say that I am at the pool watching my son boy-bond via the cannon ball.

When I am with him I often wonder if I could do this full time, if being an at home mom was even in the cards for me. I know I am among the fortunate working mother’s as I have usually worked for an employer who allowed me enough flexibility in my schedule to still be an active mom. He is my priority. I think being an involved mom makes me a better human and that translates into my being a productive employee.

I travel the country making presentations. The most sought after topic is probably on burnout. I have had many counselors tell me horror stories about their places of employment where supervisors or systems insist on work obligations being the only priority. I understand that I hear stories from only one perspective, but it does cause me some concern. In a helping field where we dispense wisdom to clients related to balance why would we fail to do the same for our employees? For ourselves?

Now, I have had difficult employees who, even when given the time and tools to get the job done still do not. And they could very well be in workshops in some place telling a presenter about a crazed supervisor who expects too much of them.

Given the need for counselors but the complaints of so many employees and agencies I am brainstorming sensible ideas for the employee and the employer.

What does it take to be a successful employee and have longevity in this field? It is only my opinion but I believe first and foremost we must take care of ourselves. Even when working 40-50 hours each week there is time to take care of ourselves. A simple prayer, meditation or 12-step meeting could fit into a busy or rigid schedule.

As a working mother of an 8 year old I am still actively involved in my son’s life. I insist on it. I am a room mother in his school, I frequently take him somewhere overnight on the weekends, even if it is only to visit family. The change of scenery is an environmental impact that helps me see the difference between work and home.

I also stay committed to my involvement with my local professional association. I attend a monthly CEU luncheon for one hour. It is a recurring event on my office calendar. Many months I could easily skip it because of the business in my office but I attend anyway. I noticed each month that no one dies while I am out of the office for that short time and all of the obligations are still there for me when I get back. Being away is a much needed break and being with my peers is filling to me. Listening to the speaker adds information to my professional life and the bonus is a free CEU!

I also continue with supervision and consultation. Even when it is not a requirement, I find setting aside a few minutes to gain another perspective is enlightening. One of my favorite sayings is, “I already know everything I know. I need to know what you know”. I don’t know other ways to grow more quickly. Interestingly, two people I have learned a lot from in the last year aren’t even counselors. They are Executive Management members on the business side of the company I work. They bring a perspective that at one time I may not have had interest.

Therapy is another significant component of self-care I gift myself. Even when I have no “active issue” I go. Because I am busy I often go with a list. I jot things on the list from time to time that I want to cover and when I get there I get right to work. Writing is a cathartic event for me. Why wait? I tell clients to feel the fear and work it out anyway. Why shouldn’t I do the same? Leaving my issues at home is a must for my work. I don’t want my banker talking to the teller next to her about her problems with her marriage. Our clients deserve the same respect, courtesy, and energy from us.

As an employer there are several things I have found successful where I currently work. First is having a set schedule for counselors. That includes arrival and departure times. We also have scheduled lunches, scheduled preparation time before groups and scheduled time for paperwork afterward. To expect someone to get everything done in a day that is the state standard and not allow them time within their day is not productive.

Employers need also be considerate to allow their staff time within their work hours to attend an occasional training or simple CEU networking event. From a business point of view it really will pay off in productivity. A happy and balanced employee is generally more valuable in the long run. Besides, your employees are representing your agency while at these events. Marketing through employees who appreciate their employer is probably second in line to clients who are grateful for the services they received.

I also think it is a good idea to have an occasional “feel good” meeting where a staff member is openly valued and asked to contribute their ideas. Even sending the intermittent email praising something well done is helpful. Depart from the old idea that their paycheck is the appreciation. A kind word of praise will go a long way for most. Many in the workforce like the idea of a holiday party or even donuts at a staff meeting. It isn’t expensive or labor intensive to show thanks.

While time management can be an issue for counselors who favor client contact over client documentation, providing the tools and time needed to complete the job is paramount. All counselors know, at some level, that there will always be more work than hours in the day. When reasonable time is allowed to complete a task a more fair assessment of the counselors’ ability can be made.

Balance remains the key, personally and professionally.

Now I think I see a need for another participant in a game of sharks and minnows.

Emotional Coaster

The thrill of riding a coaster, for me, is the anticipation of the next turn and the drop that is so fast I come out of my seat. The part I don't like is the jerk that comes out of nowhere that seems to serve no purpose. The ones that jar my body so that I know the next day I will be sore.

Crazy making people in my life are just like that coaster for me. You know the behaviors of the crazy maker? The ones that tell you something -- and you are certian that is exactly what they told you -- only to say they never said it? Or they listen intently to your concerns or feedback, even telling you they are really open to feedback, only to turn it around and leave you thinking maybe you are crazy and they are actually the victim?

I have certainly minimized the crazies in my life but once in a while one of them will pop up and I am faced with dealing with it again. Lately my quest has been simply been to take them each as learning experiences. I believe they make me stronger and more educated. Many of the craziness comes with the territory of my job. And to the dismay of many, I'm sure, I am speaking of the staff.

My career choice, not dissimilar to paying for admission to the amusement park then standing in line in 100 degree heat for that coaster, perhaps.

Deep breath. It starts again tomorrow.

The Bliss of "then"

Do you recall the times when we said, “we would never” in judgment of others based only on the inexperience of our youth? And we thought clinging to our beliefs would be enough to pull us through any challenge? But that was long before we had to endure the pain and heartache of the hardship? We made assumptions about what would be founded in nothing more than the innocence within us? We saw through different eyes then, didn’t we? We made unspoken promises about what we would do and a notion of the things we would never do. We looked at others in assessment of their decisions but based them on our circumstance.

And then life began to happen and our circumstances provided new experience and lo and behold, our behaviors followed our encounters faster than it chased our conviction. And there we were. Decisions were made based on new understanding with a new appreciation for knowledge based on life event.

And here we are now standing at an impasse with an internal struggle between those once unadulterated ideas and the evidence of life lessons. And the pain of the external fight between forces that no longer are concerned about being happy, only being right. The mêlée no longer about the idea that set it in motion but now about the principle of winning….and where is the winner in this, I wonder? Who wins when we move so far from what we once viewed as the glue that held us together? When we are stretched so far from one another that we cannot even hear one another cry?

I wonder if we could go back to then..when the ignorance worked?

Dad

My dad would have been 76 today.

Happy Birthday dad.

Away we go

I saw this movie today. It was a great! A Sam Mendes film starring John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. I didn't have an expectation. I decided to just buy a ticket to the next film playing when I arrived at the theatre. It was a great surprise. I would sum it up to say it was about finding happiness, realizing differences, seeing how much people change over time and going home. I laughed and I cried. I think I will try just showing up and seeing a movie like that again.

Great time.

Chicken Dance

Yesterday I headed to my mom's house and then went to the anniversary party and dance for a relative. It was an incredible experience.

Being at the dance brought back so many childhood memories and brought me so many adult insights. We met at the same dance hall that so many family reunions, parties, dances and wedding celebrations were held in the past. It had the same excitement as I remember from "back then". The difference for me this time is that I appreciated every moment. I danced as often as I could....even when I didn't know the dance. I took as many kids on the floor with me as I could drag. Some I couldn't get off the floor and some never stepped foot. My son danced with me a few times and that melted my heart.

For the last few weeks I have been telling him about the fun I had growing up going to these Czech dances. I told him all about the wedding march, the polkas and my all time favorite "chicken dance". As silly as I know I probably looked I did that dance with complete joy.

I enjoyed visiting with everyone. There were so many people there that I only see at times like that. Everytime I walk away from those occassions I wonder why I wait for those occassions to visit with them because I enjoy them so much.

I also like the fact that I come from a heritage as rich as the Czech & Catholic traditions. What a gift it brings to be and know that gift.

And it brought back the memory of those who aren't there anymore. My brother mentioned to me that it wasn't the same not to look up and see uncle Johnny. I also thought about my aunt Frances and my granny. They would have loved to see all the fun everyone was having last night. And my dad. He and mom always enjoyed dancing together. When the band played "silver wings" I had to sit with my mom. My brother was already there. And my sister and I talked about it later. We know she must really miss him, especially at times like last night.

I am very sad that my mom is sick. I pray blessings and healing for her daily. But I also need to just sit in this moment. Because she was happy last night. She had her entire family together enjoying something that was very important to her. Each one of us went to that party last night joyfully. No one felt forced to go to "make an appearance" and we didn't want it to end.

I watched my mom last night and she was happy. That was worth it all.

And the kids.....they were exhausted. They fell sound asleep on a pallet we made for them on the living room floor...just like granny used to make for us. I want to enrich my son's life with the kinds of memories I have of my childhood and allow him to make them his own....chicken dance and all.

The circle of life.

Family Weekend

I really enjoyed the concert with my nephew. Snow Patrol and Coldplay was great.

The beach with my boy was great!!!!

Chatting with my sister and doing our usual silliness.....

And I enjoyed the family reunion....but won't post any photos because my mom dosen't like being on my blog!

Long Time No Blog

It has been almost a month. The reason is good. Just very busy. The treatment center is growing faster than any program I have ever seen.

The new home is great. I am enjoying it. I like the hassle free lifestyle....no lawn to mow, to pool to clean. Ahhh. I like that part.

My boy had his first communion over a week ago. Most of my family came up for it. It was a memorable Mother's Day weekend.

Photos above....

Move

I am moving this weekend. I have spent the last year planning this departure. For at least three months I have been boxing and deciding what I need to rid myself of. Yet, I sit here today thinking how unprepared I am. There are still items that haven't been boxed. My movers have still not called to confirm and I cannot find their phone number. Mostly, I am sad. I love this house and I will miss it. But it is time to move forward and I am ready for that part.

Movin'...

Insight

The last two weeks have provided me with insight at lightening speed. About twelve years too late!

I had dinner with one of my old friends on Friday night. I went to her house to pick her up. When she walked out the door I jumped out of my car a quickly as I could to hug her. She was beautiful. She looked like she hadn't aged at all. But as we talked I realized we are both much older with wisdom than we were the last time we saw one another.

As I sat across from her I began realizing how many years I missed out on her life. I love her. She was a wonderful friend and I have so many memories with her. Friday was an opportunity for me to be a living amends to someone I really hurt and it was long overdue.

I had many enlightenment's while preparing for and in the midst of Friday. One of the things I had affirmed was that I cannot regret the past. Each experience I have had has aided in my becoming who I am. And I like who I am. Another thing I learned was that while I have run from my hometown for most of my life there is a great deal of value to being there again.

I have known before but know in a new way now that I have a lot to learn about what it means to be a friend. It is an area I still struggle with and want to continue to grow.

Finally, I was able to confirm that I have changed. The person I am today is merely a hint of who I was fifteen or sixteen years ago. Although, I have verbalized that I wish I could have learned the lessons I learned in my twenties in a two-day seminar instead of going through the pain of those years, I actually understand the need to go through the process.

Happy Easter.

Passed the Past

This week I am going to see some women I haven't seen in fifteen years. I have fear about that. I am anxious to see them. I have thought of them many times throughout the years. But seeing people from my past brings some negative anxiety to my mind, as well.

It is my fault that we are no longer friends. I was a very selfish person and I did not do the things I needed to nurture those relationships. In recovery I have often taken the stance of "the past has passed" and try not to turn back. At the same time I remember the lessons learned from the mistakes of the past.

In examining my fear I have realized that I am fearful of the intimacy close friendships bring and require. That is more of a revelation to me now than I had imagined. I am an open book most days. If someone asks me a question I will answer. Honesty is woven into my core -- sometimes to a fault. But being honest and open about myself doesn't necessarily mean I allow the capacity for intimacy.

I was ready for a break from this insight. No such luck.

Anxious about the past.

Sonny Sonshine

That is what I call my son. He is the best. Yesterday he allowed me the privilage of going to see a Thomas the Train exhibit. We rode the train. He was worried he was too old so we said it was he who was going with me. What a sweetheart. My life is better because of him.

Peace and sonshine!

Anger

I am angry right now. I feel justified in my anger. I have been taken advantage of. On top of that when I expressed my anger the response was a little similar to "look what I have done for you"! My unhealthy brain tells me to say, "screw it" and take off. My healthy brain tells me I have very good communication skills and I am a very strong woman. I know I can handle the situation diplomatically, calmly and in a healthy way. So I will.

Typically when I feel that kind of anger come up inside of me it is not because of what has been done to me but that I allowed it. My response is usually not that of a victim that believes something to be unfair because I do not like the idea that I do not have control over something.

So that is where I am now. Trying to decide what is just, what is my responsibility and what I do have control over. When I answer those questions I will take action. Until then I am going to sit with this feeling and work through it to a resolution.

Some days I wish I weren't healthy. Then I could just stick a pencil in someones ear and feel good about.

Ciao.

Spring Break

What fun he had on Spring Break. My son was down south for the entire week. When he got back on Friday night he kept hugging me and sitting right beside me. I like that! I am so happy he enjoyed his time away but I am very glad he is home.

My week alone reminded me how much I enjoy being a mom. I feel so blessed to have him.

In about four weeks we will move from our house into a small space. I have been looking forward to this for a while. I am getting excited about getting into a new place....especially being so close to his school. We are making plans for his summer break now. There will be football camps, basketball camps and the lake camp he loved so much last year. We will also go on a couple of long weekend trips and one bigger vacation.

Planning....

Since 28 January 2009

That was the "big day" for me. The day I decided to make some lifestyle changes. The day my doctor said I had some stuff out of whack in my blood and thought my heart was off-beat! Since then I have remained faithful to a new eating plan that includes high protein, low carbs, little sugar and fat. I was also put on a supplement routine and exercise was encouraged.

I have done well with eating better. I did well with the supplements until about ten days ago when my hard head won out. I hate taking pills. I tried putting them in with my protein shake and I liked that less. I will just learn to take them even if I don't like to.

I started an exercise routine one month ago (14 February 2008). I am doing a combo of walking and jogging. I hear I might work into jogging the whole way. Close to three miles is as far as I have gone but I am really encouraged because exercise has not been a normal part of my life -- ever.

My battle is with not getting on the scale everyday. If I do that I will become obsessed and end up in some treatment center for an eating disorder, I am sure. (Not that the time off in a spa like atmosphere is something I would oppose :) ! ). I know how much weight I have lost because I stop by my doctor's office about once a week to use the scale there because it measures BMI, muscle and water in addition to pounds. I like that because I can see something in the results I have not looked at before.

This is a "one day at a time" kind of journey. Who would have thunk it? Me changing? And doing it one day at a time?

Six and a half weeks of one day at a time....