She isn't a fan of my writing about her. She is private. But the thought of her is taking up most of my waking moments and writing about my thoughts is natural.
She is my hero. She is fiercely independent, funny and lives her life with integrity. For nearly two years she has known she has a progressive cancer. She fights it and keeps moving forward. If the doctors have said it once they have said it a million times...she is doing better than expected. She looks great and she has the attitude and determination that make the difference.
She has faith in God. She loves her family. She is a leader even when she isn't aware. Her grandson thinks she hung the moon. When we visited her last week he commented to her that he is treated "like royalty" when he is there. That is the knack of "grandmother" to make each of us feel like we are special.
Last week when we were at the doctor's office we were making plans for her to begin a new course of action for the cancer. But that all changed in just a few seconds on Sunday. I have thought it in my mind thousands of time since Sunday....how much difference a few seconds can make in a life.
She had a serious car accident on Sunday. She was running late for church. She doesn't like to be late. In just a few seconds the focus shifted from treatment for cancer to a new fight. She is in ICU. She has many broken bones, has undergone surgery, is cut and stitched and sedate. But she is still strong...she is still determined and she has the heart of a champion.
I violate her privacy simply to request prayers, thoughts and support for my hero.
October 27, 2009
October 26, 2009
Risk
I have recently taken a few new risks. I have failed at a few. While I feel the sadness that comes with the loss, I feel empowered by the knowledge that taking risk can enrich my life. I ran into this old quote and it inspired me to keep moving forward despite the outcome.......
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Anonymous
[seen variously attributed with slight variations to William Arthur Ward, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Leo Buscaglia, and anonymous]
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Anonymous
[seen variously attributed with slight variations to William Arthur Ward, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Leo Buscaglia, and anonymous]
Jung Quote
"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
-Carl Gustav Jung
-Carl Gustav Jung
October 18, 2009
Anxiety Vs. Comfort
I have found being busy, mission oriented and full of stress to be a cause to keep the focus off of the emotional. My thoughts, I surmise, is that it is easier to deal with tasks than with the hassle of feeling. The truth? It is tiring. Trying to bottle up emotion by concentrating on real or made up responsibility takes more energy than actually dealing with the “stuff”.
There aren’t any childhood traumas to deal with today. It is just the day-to-day life issues that are building up. There are many uncharted territory matters that I am meeting in my path. While I am eager for challenge I am also feeling discomfort in the practical application of change.
When I know what to expect, I am positive. When I am fearful, I often become negative. There are multiple areas of my life that are presently shifting. None of them are unconstructive but they bring familiar trepidation.
After getting into the groove of graduate school I became at ease and realized my potential. I began to see that I was able to complete the work. When graduate school ended the comfort ended. A lifelong dream was realized but I was secure in graduate school. Now that I am faced with the new challenge of doctoral work I am out of my comfort zone and feeling discontent.
As the relationships in my life change I feel the insecurity of the adjustment at the same time I see the excitement in new opportunities. Again, the issue of security arises.
Related to my career, I have come upon challenges I have not had to this point. Again, they are not something I do not need to tackle; only something I had not previously encountered.
I have also allowed myself to become friends with two or three people. And being friends instead of acquaintances is tricky. Friendship for me brings about a vulnerability I feel anxious about.
While I desire the experiences I have in front of me it is causing the apprehension that the unknown brings. Today I am attempting to focus on the present. I am fully aware that clinging to contentment will not allow me to grow as I desire. Experience is enriching. Each day I will just remind myself what a past friend used to tell me, “put on your big girl panties” and do it.
Fighting anxiety.
There aren’t any childhood traumas to deal with today. It is just the day-to-day life issues that are building up. There are many uncharted territory matters that I am meeting in my path. While I am eager for challenge I am also feeling discomfort in the practical application of change.
When I know what to expect, I am positive. When I am fearful, I often become negative. There are multiple areas of my life that are presently shifting. None of them are unconstructive but they bring familiar trepidation.
After getting into the groove of graduate school I became at ease and realized my potential. I began to see that I was able to complete the work. When graduate school ended the comfort ended. A lifelong dream was realized but I was secure in graduate school. Now that I am faced with the new challenge of doctoral work I am out of my comfort zone and feeling discontent.
As the relationships in my life change I feel the insecurity of the adjustment at the same time I see the excitement in new opportunities. Again, the issue of security arises.
Related to my career, I have come upon challenges I have not had to this point. Again, they are not something I do not need to tackle; only something I had not previously encountered.
I have also allowed myself to become friends with two or three people. And being friends instead of acquaintances is tricky. Friendship for me brings about a vulnerability I feel anxious about.
While I desire the experiences I have in front of me it is causing the apprehension that the unknown brings. Today I am attempting to focus on the present. I am fully aware that clinging to contentment will not allow me to grow as I desire. Experience is enriching. Each day I will just remind myself what a past friend used to tell me, “put on your big girl panties” and do it.
Fighting anxiety.
October 02, 2009
Acceptance in 2009
This time of the year is often a time of reflection for me. The season is changing, my birthday is fast approaching and the holidays are right around the corner. It feels like a time for change. And it is. Many things are different this year than they were last. I am getting into the groove of the job I began a little more than a year ago. I moved, I finished one degree and began another. I have allowed myself to form more friendships and have changed the path of others.
The biggest thing I believe I am learning to embrace is change. I realize acceptance of the way things are is an important element to my happiness. It was in 1993 when I memorized what was then page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was the key to serenity, I was told…..“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”.
And in fact, sixteen years later I find that to be the truth. While I memorized the words of that passage in 1993, I have absorbed it in 2009. The truth is, things are as they are. My mom has cancer. Significant relationships have changed. I am turning 40. I have lost some friends. I have gained some new ones. Days continue to pass and I continue to learn.
Things are not bad or good. Things just are. My attitude toward them is the main thing I can control. Attempts to control the other parts only causes me worry and unnecessary misery. Acceptance isn’t so bad.
Recently, someone challenged me with something they heard Victor Frankl say when they heard him speak. He asked, “when you have lost everything – family, material possessions, belongings – when you are standing naked….what do you have that cannot be taken away? Those are the things I can be grateful for on the days I believe I have nothing else.
There are many things I am grateful for.
The biggest thing I believe I am learning to embrace is change. I realize acceptance of the way things are is an important element to my happiness. It was in 1993 when I memorized what was then page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was the key to serenity, I was told…..“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”.
And in fact, sixteen years later I find that to be the truth. While I memorized the words of that passage in 1993, I have absorbed it in 2009. The truth is, things are as they are. My mom has cancer. Significant relationships have changed. I am turning 40. I have lost some friends. I have gained some new ones. Days continue to pass and I continue to learn.
Things are not bad or good. Things just are. My attitude toward them is the main thing I can control. Attempts to control the other parts only causes me worry and unnecessary misery. Acceptance isn’t so bad.
Recently, someone challenged me with something they heard Victor Frankl say when they heard him speak. He asked, “when you have lost everything – family, material possessions, belongings – when you are standing naked….what do you have that cannot be taken away? Those are the things I can be grateful for on the days I believe I have nothing else.
There are many things I am grateful for.
September 28, 2009
Auf Widersehen
So the decision has been made. Interestingly, it was a very grown up decision. I attempted to void the emotions from the decision making process in order to allow it to be reasonable instead of wrought with heart sickness.
On Friday, someone I trust gave me a book to read. He has watched me and talked with me enough over the last year, apparently, to have insight into something that I may need right at this very moment. The book is called, The Alchemist. I am only 29 pages into the book and have already identified many things that are needed in my life. Things I knew, but need to know on a new level.
One of the areas my confidant has challenged me is in the area of being present. One of the things he brought to my attention is the opportunities I miss by ignoring my surroundings. He challenged me to open my eyes and see who is around me and what they might offer me. His example was that in the Starbucks I might engage people more with eye contact, a smile and even idle chit chat. While my concept of chit chat is that it is a waste of my precious insightful time, he disputes that with the notion that I am missing an opportunity to cultivate friendships with people who I may learn from by dismissing them.
So, yesterday I was walking through the grocery when a man dropped his apples. As they went rolling on the floor I thought of the friendly advice. I thought of what I could say as a clever retort to the fruit spill. I never said anything. And that disturbed me about myself. So, this morning I decided to put this concept to the test. I have made direct eye contact with everyone I have come in contact with. I have smiled and been friendly. I have opened myself up to the interactions. I have opened myself up to the lessons. Ultimately, I have opened myself up the vulnerability of someone knowing me.
One of the most alarming discoveries that have come of my talking with him is that I know many people but I allow few people to really know me. I want to work actively to change that.
Auf Wiedersehen to the past.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly learn something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way”. ~ Doris Lessing
On Friday, someone I trust gave me a book to read. He has watched me and talked with me enough over the last year, apparently, to have insight into something that I may need right at this very moment. The book is called, The Alchemist. I am only 29 pages into the book and have already identified many things that are needed in my life. Things I knew, but need to know on a new level.
One of the areas my confidant has challenged me is in the area of being present. One of the things he brought to my attention is the opportunities I miss by ignoring my surroundings. He challenged me to open my eyes and see who is around me and what they might offer me. His example was that in the Starbucks I might engage people more with eye contact, a smile and even idle chit chat. While my concept of chit chat is that it is a waste of my precious insightful time, he disputes that with the notion that I am missing an opportunity to cultivate friendships with people who I may learn from by dismissing them.
So, yesterday I was walking through the grocery when a man dropped his apples. As they went rolling on the floor I thought of the friendly advice. I thought of what I could say as a clever retort to the fruit spill. I never said anything. And that disturbed me about myself. So, this morning I decided to put this concept to the test. I have made direct eye contact with everyone I have come in contact with. I have smiled and been friendly. I have opened myself up to the interactions. I have opened myself up to the lessons. Ultimately, I have opened myself up the vulnerability of someone knowing me.
One of the most alarming discoveries that have come of my talking with him is that I know many people but I allow few people to really know me. I want to work actively to change that.
Auf Wiedersehen to the past.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly learn something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way”. ~ Doris Lessing
September 24, 2009
A life Celebrated
Over the weekend someone very dear to the treatment and recovery community in DFW passed away. I attended a service for him. I mentioned to the people who sat with me afterward that it caused me to pause and think about my own contributions. Would that many people care about me enough to attend a memorial? Would that many people have been impacted by my life when my time is done? They agreed that funerals and memorials bring that question up in all of us.
The contributions of counselors in the substance abuse field often go unsung. It seems that counselors are in the fight with the clients, witnessing transformation and trauma, but seldom are they acknowledged for the work they do. If it weren’t for those counselors and fellow recovering individuals many active substance abusers would not know another way of life. Those who publicly announce their personal recovery would not have it if it weren’t for the ones who helped them understand and acknowledge the addiction.
Many people make mini-impacts on the world just by touching one life. One life changed makes a difference to all of the people that person will effect.
I find it so fitting that this man passed as the season was changing and while we are in celebration of Recovery Month. He will be missed. But his mission will be carried on by all of those he touched. The world is different for so many because he lived.
What do you contribute and how are you celebrated?
The contributions of counselors in the substance abuse field often go unsung. It seems that counselors are in the fight with the clients, witnessing transformation and trauma, but seldom are they acknowledged for the work they do. If it weren’t for those counselors and fellow recovering individuals many active substance abusers would not know another way of life. Those who publicly announce their personal recovery would not have it if it weren’t for the ones who helped them understand and acknowledge the addiction.
Many people make mini-impacts on the world just by touching one life. One life changed makes a difference to all of the people that person will effect.
I find it so fitting that this man passed as the season was changing and while we are in celebration of Recovery Month. He will be missed. But his mission will be carried on by all of those he touched. The world is different for so many because he lived.
What do you contribute and how are you celebrated?
September 19, 2009
Decision
Currently I am faced with a decision that I do not want to make. As a subscriber to the belief that decisions unmade are decisions to let someone else decide…..this is not the behavior I enjoy seeing myself demonstrate. However, I feel stopped by fear. Either of the choices I have to make is undesirable to me on some level.
I had a conversation with someone I trust and respect about this yesterday. One of the things he indicated seeing in me is that I keep getting in my own way. As he was talking and I was thinking the tears would not stop flowing. I do get in my own way. I over think and I awfulize possibilities. He described some zen ideas of allowing yourself to let life come to you and go with the flow as if it were a river moving you. While I can comprehend that and even imagine it for someone else I cannot imagine it for myself, especially not in this decision.
I need to allow myself to be moved by life.
I had a conversation with someone I trust and respect about this yesterday. One of the things he indicated seeing in me is that I keep getting in my own way. As he was talking and I was thinking the tears would not stop flowing. I do get in my own way. I over think and I awfulize possibilities. He described some zen ideas of allowing yourself to let life come to you and go with the flow as if it were a river moving you. While I can comprehend that and even imagine it for someone else I cannot imagine it for myself, especially not in this decision.
I need to allow myself to be moved by life.
September 14, 2009
It feels like he was an infant just yesterday but soon he will be turning 9. Internally I think I hope that he needs me a little more often than he pretends he does. Externally, I pat him on the back and send him on his way with all of my support and encouragement.
Tonight he was having trouble falling asleep so I lay with him in his bed. He told me some of his fears about when the lights go out. So I listened. I comforted and encouraged him. Inwardly, I was treasuring this moment. He tucked my arm around him so tightly that any movement I made would wake him. Each time I thought of getting up he would look at me as if to ask me to stay for a minute longer. The minutes are so short these days, I enjoyed staying.
As he lay sleeping I looked at him with many realizations. He is mine. He is like a miniature version of what I once was. He is innocent. As I once was. He is as moldable and impressionable, as I. Each morning I wake him with a cheerful call so he can start his day with a positive outlook. Each day I whisper words of support to him as he gets out the car at school in order to provide him with the idea that he can make it. Each day when I pick him up I ask him to tell me everything great that happened in order to help him find the good in all situations. And at night I tuck him in with prayers and a daily review in order to give him insight into personal inventory and hope for an even better tomorrow.
I feel so blessed that I have him. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to help him become strong – emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I ask for guidance from God and others I trust to help me guide him in the direction he is to go. I have such a short time to influence him. I have such a short time to keep him safe. But I am so grateful for every moment because I learn so much from him.
Reflecting
Tonight he was having trouble falling asleep so I lay with him in his bed. He told me some of his fears about when the lights go out. So I listened. I comforted and encouraged him. Inwardly, I was treasuring this moment. He tucked my arm around him so tightly that any movement I made would wake him. Each time I thought of getting up he would look at me as if to ask me to stay for a minute longer. The minutes are so short these days, I enjoyed staying.
As he lay sleeping I looked at him with many realizations. He is mine. He is like a miniature version of what I once was. He is innocent. As I once was. He is as moldable and impressionable, as I. Each morning I wake him with a cheerful call so he can start his day with a positive outlook. Each day I whisper words of support to him as he gets out the car at school in order to provide him with the idea that he can make it. Each day when I pick him up I ask him to tell me everything great that happened in order to help him find the good in all situations. And at night I tuck him in with prayers and a daily review in order to give him insight into personal inventory and hope for an even better tomorrow.
I feel so blessed that I have him. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to help him become strong – emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I ask for guidance from God and others I trust to help me guide him in the direction he is to go. I have such a short time to influence him. I have such a short time to keep him safe. But I am so grateful for every moment because I learn so much from him.
Reflecting
September 08, 2009
Amends
For more than a week I have been conversing with someone who knows my history. It has stirred emotion in me in a way I cannot yet fully digest. I left my hometown before my recovery process began. So, I was able to leave behind the people who were aware, first hand, of my behaviors. In the new town I was able to tell the story from my own perspective. Often, I was the victim in my story telling. Rarely did my story contain information of the wreckage I caused to other people. Frequently, I would only discuss the debris I left for myself.
Many times I have thought of the actual damage I have done. Many times I have thought that the change in my life has been a living amends to the people I had harmed that I could not locate to make personal amends. I believe my recovery is solid. I believe my lifestyle is a testament to my genuineness to live differently. However, these exchanges have left me thinking about the past more than I would like.
The person has assured me that all is forgiven. So, what is the reason this does not seem like enough? I believe one of the reasons is that they shared with me the fact that even back then they saw through some of my pain and insecurity to the person I am today. That is the part that has me baffled. I could not even see her. Yet, someone else could. And they have forgiven me for behaviors that I find revolting, perhaps, unforgiveable.
So, I have forgiven myself. I have asked for forgiveness. And I have lived the last sixteen years making the past right. I am searching for the reason I am feeling as I do today. As if something more should be done. As if a piece of that puzzle is missing.
I have been given feedback from several people I trust. They all concur that since I have dealt with the person I was then I would be better served to stop my mind from wandering back into that and just move forward with the person I am today. I want to do that. And I believe I can. This is just more than a gentle reminder that even when the past has passed, it is still a part of me.
Feedback welcome.
Many times I have thought of the actual damage I have done. Many times I have thought that the change in my life has been a living amends to the people I had harmed that I could not locate to make personal amends. I believe my recovery is solid. I believe my lifestyle is a testament to my genuineness to live differently. However, these exchanges have left me thinking about the past more than I would like.
The person has assured me that all is forgiven. So, what is the reason this does not seem like enough? I believe one of the reasons is that they shared with me the fact that even back then they saw through some of my pain and insecurity to the person I am today. That is the part that has me baffled. I could not even see her. Yet, someone else could. And they have forgiven me for behaviors that I find revolting, perhaps, unforgiveable.
So, I have forgiven myself. I have asked for forgiveness. And I have lived the last sixteen years making the past right. I am searching for the reason I am feeling as I do today. As if something more should be done. As if a piece of that puzzle is missing.
I have been given feedback from several people I trust. They all concur that since I have dealt with the person I was then I would be better served to stop my mind from wandering back into that and just move forward with the person I am today. I want to do that. And I believe I can. This is just more than a gentle reminder that even when the past has passed, it is still a part of me.
Feedback welcome.
September 06, 2009
Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot eat away at peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
Author Unknown
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot eat away at peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
Author Unknown
September 05, 2009
Brian
09-13-1996
I thought he was the knight
In shining armor
But he wasn’t
He was as close to one as I’ve known
I suppose
He said he cared
And I believe he did
We talked
We walked
And he touched me
In my heart
He was a friend
A real friend
Such a handsome man
And cute boy
So serious
So responsible
But still silly
I laughed a lot
And I needed to
I think he liked me
As much as I did him
It was new and I wasn’t afraid
To be who I really am
And he didn’t stop me from
Being me
Either
I thought he was the knight
In shining armor
But he wasn’t
He was as close to one as I’ve known
I suppose
He said he cared
And I believe he did
We talked
We walked
And he touched me
In my heart
He was a friend
A real friend
Such a handsome man
And cute boy
So serious
So responsible
But still silly
I laughed a lot
And I needed to
I think he liked me
As much as I did him
It was new and I wasn’t afraid
To be who I really am
And he didn’t stop me from
Being me
Either
August 31, 2009
Path Diverged
Using a journal by an author recommended by a friend and purchased used on Amazon.com – yes, someone sold a “used” journal…too bad they didn’t do all the emotional work for me, as well – I wandered down a new road today. This road of emotional growth is a lifelong journey that seems for me to be best digested in small bites.
The very first entry was simply to chose what words I would like to use to describe myself, either words that are who I am or words that I want to be who I am. I have to tell you that seemed easy enough but I had to analyze the exact nature of the content that I decided on to be an equal balance of both who I am and who I am becoming. My first insight into what I find to be a growing problem for me. I jokingly call it obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am certain there is much more to it than that. Darn it! I had hoped there might be medication to fix it instead of more internal investigation.
Back to the list. Who I am or want to be described only in one word choices: Dreamer, Rare, Spectacular, Energized, Wise, Avatar.
The next step was to look into my heart -- the authors intent here, I questioned, was simply to illicit tears but I moved forward any way – and discover what I wanted in my life right now. Okay, simple, I believe:
To be the best mom I can be.
To complete my doctorate degree before I am 45 (I gave myself some room on this one so I could have a break down in the event I needed one)!
Add a few additional chapters to my book and finally publish it.
Speak more frequently (and for my friends and family who are already irritated by incessant verbalizing, when I say speak I mean “workshops” not just conversation).
Lose 20 pounds. Seriously, did you think there would be a list that I wrote that didn’t include weight loss? Even when I weigh 33 pounds I will probably want to get that last 3 off!
Have plastic surgery. I know. It isn’t a goal you might expect from someone who has a personal mission statement to “live with authenticity” but we don’t have time today to delve into the mystery of that issue.
Find 10 things in the DFW area I have not already done with my son and do them this year.
Create a new tradition with my son.
Go back to Hawaii and take my son this time.
Take my son to Germany to see where he was born.
I also added a few career goals that are specific to the agency where I work that would either make no sense to you or bore you. Or perhaps, there are ideas there that I don’t want you to implement at your facility first! Paranoia? Another issue for me to dog ear for future insights.
Dream on, my friends.
The very first entry was simply to chose what words I would like to use to describe myself, either words that are who I am or words that I want to be who I am. I have to tell you that seemed easy enough but I had to analyze the exact nature of the content that I decided on to be an equal balance of both who I am and who I am becoming. My first insight into what I find to be a growing problem for me. I jokingly call it obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am certain there is much more to it than that. Darn it! I had hoped there might be medication to fix it instead of more internal investigation.
Back to the list. Who I am or want to be described only in one word choices: Dreamer, Rare, Spectacular, Energized, Wise, Avatar.
The next step was to look into my heart -- the authors intent here, I questioned, was simply to illicit tears but I moved forward any way – and discover what I wanted in my life right now. Okay, simple, I believe:
To be the best mom I can be.
To complete my doctorate degree before I am 45 (I gave myself some room on this one so I could have a break down in the event I needed one)!
Add a few additional chapters to my book and finally publish it.
Speak more frequently (and for my friends and family who are already irritated by incessant verbalizing, when I say speak I mean “workshops” not just conversation).
Lose 20 pounds. Seriously, did you think there would be a list that I wrote that didn’t include weight loss? Even when I weigh 33 pounds I will probably want to get that last 3 off!
Have plastic surgery. I know. It isn’t a goal you might expect from someone who has a personal mission statement to “live with authenticity” but we don’t have time today to delve into the mystery of that issue.
Find 10 things in the DFW area I have not already done with my son and do them this year.
Create a new tradition with my son.
Go back to Hawaii and take my son this time.
Take my son to Germany to see where he was born.
I also added a few career goals that are specific to the agency where I work that would either make no sense to you or bore you. Or perhaps, there are ideas there that I don’t want you to implement at your facility first! Paranoia? Another issue for me to dog ear for future insights.
Dream on, my friends.
August 27, 2009
Survival
In a time of reflection I wondered about the past. I wondered to myself about the choices I made and how insane I was, indeed. I don’t regret the past anymore and I do not feel shame over the choices I made. I am fully aware that the person I am today is a direct result of the person I was in the past. Still, I sometimes wonder what lengths it would have gotten to if I had not stopped when I did.
My life has been colored with alcoholism, dysfunctional relationships, inappropriate behavior of all sorts and a great deal of illogical thinking. There were times in my life that I prayed so hard for something to happen that I am so glad did not come. If some of the things would have happened I would be so much worse off than I am today.
Like a lot of people, there was that one man that I wanted in my life so badly that I would have done anything to make it so. I prayed and I pretended to be someone I was not. I did anything he wanted. I lost myself with each action.
Staying in bad relationships is a form of self-punishment that I believe springs from low self worth. It seems that those who continue to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met feel they don’t deserve more than they have.
What I have learned, through experience, is that I must respect myself in order to command respect from others. I must know myself in order to let others know me. I must have values that are firm in order to stick to what I believe.
What is your worth? What do you value? What do you deserve in a relationship?
My life has been colored with alcoholism, dysfunctional relationships, inappropriate behavior of all sorts and a great deal of illogical thinking. There were times in my life that I prayed so hard for something to happen that I am so glad did not come. If some of the things would have happened I would be so much worse off than I am today.
Like a lot of people, there was that one man that I wanted in my life so badly that I would have done anything to make it so. I prayed and I pretended to be someone I was not. I did anything he wanted. I lost myself with each action.
Staying in bad relationships is a form of self-punishment that I believe springs from low self worth. It seems that those who continue to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met feel they don’t deserve more than they have.
What I have learned, through experience, is that I must respect myself in order to command respect from others. I must know myself in order to let others know me. I must have values that are firm in order to stick to what I believe.
What is your worth? What do you value? What do you deserve in a relationship?
A Poem
Surrender
It didn’t come all at once
It came in a number of moments
Slowly catching a glimpse of the truth
Walking close to the flame
Warming my hands
Then running
But getting cold and going back
Because the warmth was appealing
Sitting longer each time
Eventually engaged by the flame
And then my soul caught fire
It didn’t come all at once
It came in a number of moments
Slowly catching a glimpse of the truth
Walking close to the flame
Warming my hands
Then running
But getting cold and going back
Because the warmth was appealing
Sitting longer each time
Eventually engaged by the flame
And then my soul caught fire
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