In a time of reflection I wondered about the past. I wondered to myself about the choices I made and how insane I was, indeed. I don’t regret the past anymore and I do not feel shame over the choices I made. I am fully aware that the person I am today is a direct result of the person I was in the past. Still, I sometimes wonder what lengths it would have gotten to if I had not stopped when I did.
My life has been colored with alcoholism, dysfunctional relationships, inappropriate behavior of all sorts and a great deal of illogical thinking. There were times in my life that I prayed so hard for something to happen that I am so glad did not come. If some of the things would have happened I would be so much worse off than I am today.
Like a lot of people, there was that one man that I wanted in my life so badly that I would have done anything to make it so. I prayed and I pretended to be someone I was not. I did anything he wanted. I lost myself with each action.
Staying in bad relationships is a form of self-punishment that I believe springs from low self worth. It seems that those who continue to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met feel they don’t deserve more than they have.
What I have learned, through experience, is that I must respect myself in order to command respect from others. I must know myself in order to let others know me. I must have values that are firm in order to stick to what I believe.
What is your worth? What do you value? What do you deserve in a relationship?