Happy Fall

We may not get all of the color changes in Texas, but we do get to enjoy cooler weather.  I love the feeling of fall.  It brings so many reminders.  Change....everything changes.  And life goes on in spite of the change. 

Is there anything you have been putting off until another day?  How about today?

I've got a few....

The Past

Have you ever wondered what life would be like had you gone down a different path?  I don't look back too much.  I even embrace the poor decisions in my past as something that has strengthened me. 

But I have been communicating with someone that was in my life 22 years ago.  And I have to admit it has crossed my mind how different my life would be today had I not lost contact with them along the way. 

One of the most positive things that has come of that communication is I have been able to see how much I have grown.  When I listened to them tell me things they saw in me back then I was amazed.  I didn't see those things then.  Not at all.  And I can see them today. 

I am grateful for my new found, old friend.

I am. 

Morning TV Glitch

I turn on morning television while getting ready each day.  I like to hear a little local weather, a few national current events, and even enjoy some of the little laughs.  Today I overheard a segment on “Getting Back to School Supplies at a Discount”.  Well, who wouldn’t want that?  Three weeks ago.

Now, I realize some students are just going back today and there are parts of the country that kids don’t board the big yellow bus until after Labor Day.  I get that.  However, this little tidbit reminded me of how often this has crossed my mind through the years.  You know…those little gripes that bog my mind down when I have nothing better to consider….

I celebrate Christmas.  I am certain most of you who do also celebrate on December 24 or 25ish….while I have attempted to store the “Christmas Crafting” ideas in the recesses of my mind since the 23^rd of last December….I don’t remember. 

Nor do I recall the perfect way to bake a turkey for Thanksgiving.  Nay, not I.  Likely due to the circumstance of that being shared with me the day BEFORE Thanksgiving.  Now, I know some people buy their goodies late in the game but this doesn’t work out for me.

I do, however, have a few Super Bowl Party ideas for the coming Big Day….Morning television shared those sporty little invitation ideas on the Friday before the game....which they must not have heard occurred two days later....Because YES, in addition to those invitations I would have wanted to make the football field sized cake.  

Carry on….

Park Rules

I love amusement parks, roller coasters and cotton candy. 

I’ve spent an average of one day a week at Six Flags Over Texas with my son this summer.  However, after coastering the day away at Six Flags – St. Louis, I am beginning to see a pattern. 

I have decided there needs to be a rulebook on amusement park etiquette.  And who better to write it than me?  I have been to parks more times than I can count.  And, let’s face it – if more people took my advice, the world would be closer to peace.  

Rule 1:  No cologne or perfume:  Seriously, it might have smelled great when you were leaving home this morning.  But at noon when it is wafting past three rows of park goers on the train that motors us around the perimeter of the excitement….not so much. Ease up.  

Rule 2:  No single-rider hands up past noon:  Okay, I love to put my hands in the air on every coaster.  It is a passion.  But I use deodorant.  Lots of it.  And I either sit beside someone I know well or alone.  If you feel so compelled to sit beside me, and, I understand you might, do not….ever….hold up your hands after you have been sweating in 100 degree heat for hours and smell like poo.  Just don’t.  It is rude.  And I can’t be held responsible for vomiting on you.  So, that may be several rules in one:  wear deodorant, sit by someone you know or alone, and if you don't do the previous...no pits.  

Rule 3:  No screwed up parenting in public:  Honestly, when huge crowds congregate to share the experience of hour-long lines in the heat what possesses particular parents to act like asses?  Discipline…okay.  But yelling at, demoralizing, or slapping your child in front of me does not make me think you are a great parent.  In fact, it causes me to want to smack the crap-o-la out of you.  I restrain myself.  But stop it. 

Rule 4:  No friendless folks allowed:  Here is the deal-e-o.  If you have a friend that loves you to pieces…send them a picture text of what you plan to wear to the park before you leave home.  And if you don’t have a friend, consider asking a stranger.  I stand with my mouth agape at some of the things I have seen worn.  And I don’t mean provocative clothing.  I mean clothing that is just inappropriate.  If you have gained fifty pounds in the last couple of years go ahead and buy that in a larger size.  It happens to the best of us.  I love high-self esteem.  But oogy isn’t a sign of self-esteem.  It is just...well, oogy.  

I will stop my rant now.  I am certain there is more...but I will divulge in tiny bites.  I will be traveling tomorrow but when I get to the Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois Tuesday morning I recommend all fall in line with the simple list I have presented.

Carry on.  

Great Quote

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Song Lyrics

"Goodbye"
By Avril Lavigne

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come

I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know
Always know
Always know that I love you so
I love you so
I love you so, oh

Goodbye brown eyes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye sunshine
Take care of yourself

I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know
Always know
Always know that I love you so
I love you so, oh
I love you so, oh

La lullaby
Distract me with your rhymes
La lullaby

La lullaby
Help me sleep tonight
La lullaby
(La lullaby, la lullaby)

I have to go (goodbye)
I have to go (lullaby)
I have to go (goodbye)
And leave you alone

But always know (goodbye)
Always know (brown eyes)
Always know (goodbye)
That I love you so

I love you so (goodbye lullaby)
I love you so, oh (goodbye)
I love you so (goodbye brown eyes)
I love you so (goodbye)
I love you so
I love you so

Goodbye brown eyes
Goodbye my love

Quote

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't coma back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

Where I Stood

Once in a while when I cannot find the words, songs already written contain them.

I will provide this video clip as my post today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlTlZy3nkDA

Lost

That is where I am.


I'll be back to write soon.


If you see me out there, send me in the right direction.

Co-Dependent again

The stuff I read about codependency in the 90’s really mucked me up. Don’t get me wrong, I needed it then, no doubt. And I don’t regret learning to take care of myself and be independent. Maybe I just overlearned it. I went from a meek care-taker to being an independent, shout it from the roof tops, woman who needed no one.

And some of that mess stuck too hard.

While I value the knowledge that I don’t need anyone and can make it on my own, I now have to remind myself (yes, sometimes out loud) that it is okay to want someone. I found myself front-loading disclaimers this weekend when talking to a girlfriend. “I know this doesn’t sound healthy to independent women but….”

I know I am healthier than I have ever been. I have to re-program myself. Damn you co-dependent bashers.

I find myself questioning my own sanity when I do things to make someone else happy. If I decide not to attend an event in order to go somewhere with someone I care about I think, “Is this healthy”? “Is this codependent”? Goodness gracious. It just is. Wanting to make someone happy when you care about them isn’t the end of the world. I do know the difference between putting another person before me when it is harmful and putting another person before me in order to compromise.


Maybe the pendulum is swinging back to the center. I am not the center of the universe. I can compromise. And giving is a beautiful thing.

I smiled today thinking back to the 90's. One of the most independent women I knew back then looked into my eyes and told me one day I was going to be a mom. I shrugged. She told me I could play independent roaring woman all I wanted but I was cut out for a committed relationship with a man, a home, and children. I poo-poo'd the idea of domestic bliss. Guess what I learned over spring break? I love staying home, cleaning, cooking and running errands.

Now I need therapy to undo all the therapy.

Love Crazy Love

I watched the movie, Crazy Love today. It was sad. A man and woman fell in love. They were from different countries. Because of a visa issue they had to spend time apart.

During that time instead of growing closer by talking through their feelings, they allowed distance and fear to drive a wedge between them.

The love was so passionate. Neither were happy with anyone else. But when a time came that they were able to be together, too much had been left unsaid. Too much time had passed and too much hurt filled their hearts.

Yes, it was only a movie. But not far from a reality I've seen and even experienced. We can get through anything if we can just keep our hearts, ears and mouths open.

Love isn't crazy.

The Cowtown

11:15 AM Friday

Picking up the packet for The Cowtown 5K that is tomorrow. I’m checking out the place to arrive in the morning and where the starting line will be. I am glad I came by today. I would have been nervous if I didn’t know all of this in the morning.

7:00 PM Friday

I had hoped to go to sleep early tonight but I am taking my Sonshine to a party. I will be here until after 9:00 PM.

Race Day

2:00 AM

I just had a great phone call from T. He's an inspiration for me in fitness. We talked almost an hour. I feel very encouraged!

4:00 AM

I am awake. Ugh.

5:00 AM

I am awake again. Not yet. It isn’t time.

5:45AM

I’m awake again. Okay. Going with it.

6:00 AM

I am convinced I left my ear warmer thingy in Austin last weekend. I'll just use the cat burglar hat. My head is gonna sweat. Oh, well. Sweat means I'm working. Have to pee. Nervous!

6:05 AM

I am just going to go. Too nervous. Who cares if I feel cute? I feel anxious, excited! Let's do this!

7:00 AM

Just arrived. Have to pee. Cool. The vendors are selling Ear warmer things. Hope they've got pink. Pink makes me feel girly. I have to pee.

7:30 AM

Starting in 45 minutes. Really nervous. So many people here. Maybe excited more than nervous? I need to pee again! :0 Found a pink ear warmer thingy. What a cool saying!

7:41 AM

Everyone is stretching inside. I guess I should, too? Oh brother. They're doing half marathons. I'm doing a 5k. Oh well....stretching. Yes, I need to pee.

7:45 AM

Excitement is moving from inside to outside. I'll join them. Why did I do this by myself again? Oh, that's right. I have something to accomplish. It's mental and emotional. Not physical. I don't have to pee. I wish my Sonshine was here.

8:00 AM

Standing in the line to begin. So much excitement around. Everyone looks normal. Few bionic types in this part of the line. I can do this. I don't want to be with the fast runners. But ahead of the walkers. I'm going to be alright. My nose is running. The cold doesn't help. No worries. I don't have to pee. But I gotta run!

8:15 AM

(I am not writing as I go, of course, this will be from memory)

The gun apparently sounded. I didn’t hear it from where I’d positioned myself. I wanted to be in the middle. Not with the fastest starters but not with the walkers. When everyone started moving, so did I.

I looked at my clock as soon as I crossed over the starting line. I knew the chip I had on my shoe would get my time but I was watching for something else. I started running. I had my ear buds in but no music on. I could hear all the cheering. The adrenaline I felt from the crowd of runners and those cheering pushed me to run farther than I ever had before beginning to walk. I timed it. Wow. I did that. And I am doing it.

We walked through a beautiful neighborhood. I didn’t want to miss anything so I took time to notice some of the beautiful homes. But I also noticed that everyone was moving at a different pace. I also took note of the fact that I wasn’t over-invested in anyone around me. I was in this race. Just me. This was a race against myself.

Passing the one-mile marker was great. I remembered from the elevation the first mile was mostly uphill. Great. So I started to run again.

Now, I learned a valuable lesson during mile 2. I used a little talcum powder before the race. That is a real "doughn't" for the future.

The rest of the race was a time for thinking. With each step I took I could feel my life moving forward. I was leaving some of the past behind. And I was moving headlong into the future. One that I will own.

9:11 AM

After crossing the finish line, I sent this text message to someone who probably understands where I am better than anyone, "I finished. I'm in a port-a-pottie weeping. I had no idea how emotional this would be".

I had no idea I would be as emotionally impacted by that 5K. I go 3 miles on the treadmill or around the park several times a week. I didn't know how paying $30, getting a T-shirt, a bib number and doing it with 5000 other people possibly make it different. It did.

I wasn't a skinny, athletic kid who gained weight as I got older. I was always a chubby kid. Sometimes I still fall when I walk. Even though basketball is my favorite sport, I can't play.

I was out to do something to me today. Being alone was the best situation for the Cowtown 2012. This was about proving something to myself. And I did. But I am not finished. I still have miles to go.

I finished. And I even finished ahead of many. I even have the chip number to verify that.

Goodbye

Coke Zero,

Here is the thing. I have to let you go. Don't get mad. It isn't you. It's me. Well, it really is you. You aren't good for me. And we need to spend some time apart. Just Lent. I may or not bring you back into my life on Easter.

Don't think I don't love you. I do. I love you too much. I just can't think of that right now. Really. My request is that you not bother me. Please. Don't even enter my mind. It is a headache. Literally.

Sweet sacrifice.

Conversation Hearts

Valentine’s Day 1998 was, without a doubt, the most bitter of all. I was 28. I wasn’t married and had no prospects. I wanted a baby. Doing that without a husband wasn’t in the cards. Love had not only escaped my grasp but love had not even given me a drive by. I hadn't realized how hostile I was until sitting at the half-time festivities of a San Antonio Spurs game. A couple was getting married. The Coyote was officiating. That makes me giggle now. Back then I recall yelling ugly things like, “Don’t do it”! at the happy couple. Yes, that was me. Obnoxious jilted girl, party of one.

Since 1998 I was married and have a wonderful son. The marriage was exactly what I needed at the time. Even if we aren’t together anymore, it was a wonderful gift of experience.

In the years since 1998 I have learned many valuable lessons. First, I realized how small my world was at that time. I also realized love does exist but must first exist inside of myself.

Cliché, I know. But it is true. Cynicism is ugly. Sarcasm is hurtful. Becoming broad-minded to the ideas of others, open to my self-growth, and looking for happiness in countless ways (instead of just romance) has created a kind of peace and contentment inside that cannot be described. But can be seen.

I do have love. I do have romance. I do have intimacy. I do have all of the joys that life can bring. If only I can go back and have a face-to-face with that broken girl from 1998……

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone.