Forgive me for being more than a decade behind the reading clubs. But, I found all of the books written by Mitch Albom in my mom's bookshelf. I had always wanted to read Tuesdays with Morrie. This week I am.
I am moved by the profound words and the acute timing. Today as I read these passages I knew I was onto something:
"Everyone knows they're going to die but nobody believes it. If we did we would do things differently."
and
"Do what the Buddhists do. Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?' "
Deep thinking....
November 24, 2009
November 16, 2009
She Was Third....
(This was to be read at my mom's funeral)
Three words written in permanent marker on my mom’s bathroom mirror: I am third. That isn’t just a quote of the day; that is the way she lived her life. She was third. God was first. Others were second and she put herself third.
My mother was a strong Catholic whose faith did not waiver. She didn’t just go to mass on Sunday. She lived a Catholic life without apology. She said her rosary each night. It didn’t matter what was happening in her house. She went to her room when the rosary came on the Catholic channel and she recited it. When we were growing up she woke us every Sunday morning and took us to church, too. It was probably not by mistake that God saw fit for her to have the car wreck that ultimately took her life while she was on her way to church.
After I married a non-Catholic man I asked her how to live with that decision. I wondered, “Should I ask him to become Catholic, too”? She told me no. She told me I should show him. She said when she married my dad she never insisted on him being Catholic. She believed changing religion was a big decision and it was something only that person could decide for themselves and they should only do it because they see it as their answer. The only way my father saw it as his answer was through the devotion he saw in my mother. Eventually, he wanted that for himself.
Her strength was phenomenal. Her faith was steadfast. This morning I turned to a passage in her bible that seemed fitting. It was from John 14: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God and have faith in me. In my father’s house there are many dwelling places, otherwise how could I have told you that I was going to prepare a place for you”. (Interestingly enough, this is the same scripture Father Ranjan read at her mass.)
Second in her life were others. I cannot count the number of people who told me that my mother was kind and welcoming. That they always felt like they were welcomed in as part of our family. When I asked her how she could give her last dollar to another person and go without herself she told me the story of the burned pork chop. She said a mother made dinner for her family of six. They only had enough to feed the six and one of the pork chops was burned. She said the mother fed her husband and children the ones that were not and the mother ate the burned piece. She said that is “just what a mother does”.
She never missed anything we did while growing up. What we did and loved became part of her life. Our practice, games, performances – she was there. She was involved in band booster, PTA, you name it, she was a part of. She didn’t just watch us, she became active for us.
She shaped who we became. Parents of today could learn a lot from her. Her support helped us believe in ourselves. It was no different when her grandkids arrived, either. It might have actually been compounded. She believed her grandkids were the best and somehow each of them thought they were her favorite. She sent special cards, attended every event they were in and would be on the road for weeks at a time in their homes. When my son was born she was on a plane and spent a month in Germany with us. She was there for his baptism, birthdays, first day of school and anything else he invited her to attend.
If anyone in the family ever moved you could be sure our mom would be there to clean our house and put down shelf paper! And all of you who knew her know that she didn’t think it clean until she created that suffocating bleach-comet cocktail and scoured it with a scrub brush!
We are all very sad today and have many questions about what life will be like without her. We have already questioned how it will be to make our trips home on Sunday. We won’t be calling mom to tell her we made it to our destination as we usually do. We won’t be saying, “I love you” or “See you next weekend”. But we will lean on the memories. We will cling to the family that mom has created and shown us is so important. It might be easier to skip Christmas this year and pretend it isn’t around the corner…because we see Christmas and Easter as holidays for her….but we won’t. She won’t let us. Through her life she showed us through her actions what and who are important…and we will carry on.
And third, she put herself. Because of that she will have her reward in heaven. This is her treasure at the end of life on earth. I know mom is home. She is with our Lord and she is with our dad. She packed her little blue bag one final time and we all heard the train whistle last night during her rosary. She made it. She is there.
I will miss you mom.
Three words written in permanent marker on my mom’s bathroom mirror: I am third. That isn’t just a quote of the day; that is the way she lived her life. She was third. God was first. Others were second and she put herself third.
My mother was a strong Catholic whose faith did not waiver. She didn’t just go to mass on Sunday. She lived a Catholic life without apology. She said her rosary each night. It didn’t matter what was happening in her house. She went to her room when the rosary came on the Catholic channel and she recited it. When we were growing up she woke us every Sunday morning and took us to church, too. It was probably not by mistake that God saw fit for her to have the car wreck that ultimately took her life while she was on her way to church.
After I married a non-Catholic man I asked her how to live with that decision. I wondered, “Should I ask him to become Catholic, too”? She told me no. She told me I should show him. She said when she married my dad she never insisted on him being Catholic. She believed changing religion was a big decision and it was something only that person could decide for themselves and they should only do it because they see it as their answer. The only way my father saw it as his answer was through the devotion he saw in my mother. Eventually, he wanted that for himself.
Her strength was phenomenal. Her faith was steadfast. This morning I turned to a passage in her bible that seemed fitting. It was from John 14: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God and have faith in me. In my father’s house there are many dwelling places, otherwise how could I have told you that I was going to prepare a place for you”. (Interestingly enough, this is the same scripture Father Ranjan read at her mass.)
Second in her life were others. I cannot count the number of people who told me that my mother was kind and welcoming. That they always felt like they were welcomed in as part of our family. When I asked her how she could give her last dollar to another person and go without herself she told me the story of the burned pork chop. She said a mother made dinner for her family of six. They only had enough to feed the six and one of the pork chops was burned. She said the mother fed her husband and children the ones that were not and the mother ate the burned piece. She said that is “just what a mother does”.
She never missed anything we did while growing up. What we did and loved became part of her life. Our practice, games, performances – she was there. She was involved in band booster, PTA, you name it, she was a part of. She didn’t just watch us, she became active for us.
She shaped who we became. Parents of today could learn a lot from her. Her support helped us believe in ourselves. It was no different when her grandkids arrived, either. It might have actually been compounded. She believed her grandkids were the best and somehow each of them thought they were her favorite. She sent special cards, attended every event they were in and would be on the road for weeks at a time in their homes. When my son was born she was on a plane and spent a month in Germany with us. She was there for his baptism, birthdays, first day of school and anything else he invited her to attend.
If anyone in the family ever moved you could be sure our mom would be there to clean our house and put down shelf paper! And all of you who knew her know that she didn’t think it clean until she created that suffocating bleach-comet cocktail and scoured it with a scrub brush!
We are all very sad today and have many questions about what life will be like without her. We have already questioned how it will be to make our trips home on Sunday. We won’t be calling mom to tell her we made it to our destination as we usually do. We won’t be saying, “I love you” or “See you next weekend”. But we will lean on the memories. We will cling to the family that mom has created and shown us is so important. It might be easier to skip Christmas this year and pretend it isn’t around the corner…because we see Christmas and Easter as holidays for her….but we won’t. She won’t let us. Through her life she showed us through her actions what and who are important…and we will carry on.
And third, she put herself. Because of that she will have her reward in heaven. This is her treasure at the end of life on earth. I know mom is home. She is with our Lord and she is with our dad. She packed her little blue bag one final time and we all heard the train whistle last night during her rosary. She made it. She is there.
I will miss you mom.
November 09, 2009
Out of control....
The past month has reminded me with a resounding volume that I am not in control. I said at least three times last week that I must have asked my creator “what else could go wrong?” and he must be showing me. With my mother still in the hospital, personal relationships in transition and work being overwhelming I question which area of my life is not out of control currently.
The truth is that I have never been in control. I have always been out of control of most of the outcome. Currently, I am simply reminded of this. There are things I can do each day that contribute to the conclusion but I must rely on a power greater than myself for the things I cannot change. It is a simple solution but so difficult at the same time.
Today my homework to myself is to inventory the things I can change so I can get busy changing them and decide what I cannot change so I can get busy accepting them.
Serenity on the horizon?
The truth is that I have never been in control. I have always been out of control of most of the outcome. Currently, I am simply reminded of this. There are things I can do each day that contribute to the conclusion but I must rely on a power greater than myself for the things I cannot change. It is a simple solution but so difficult at the same time.
Today my homework to myself is to inventory the things I can change so I can get busy changing them and decide what I cannot change so I can get busy accepting them.
Serenity on the horizon?
October 27, 2009
A Few Seconds
She isn't a fan of my writing about her. She is private. But the thought of her is taking up most of my waking moments and writing about my thoughts is natural.
She is my hero. She is fiercely independent, funny and lives her life with integrity. For nearly two years she has known she has a progressive cancer. She fights it and keeps moving forward. If the doctors have said it once they have said it a million times...she is doing better than expected. She looks great and she has the attitude and determination that make the difference.
She has faith in God. She loves her family. She is a leader even when she isn't aware. Her grandson thinks she hung the moon. When we visited her last week he commented to her that he is treated "like royalty" when he is there. That is the knack of "grandmother" to make each of us feel like we are special.
Last week when we were at the doctor's office we were making plans for her to begin a new course of action for the cancer. But that all changed in just a few seconds on Sunday. I have thought it in my mind thousands of time since Sunday....how much difference a few seconds can make in a life.
She had a serious car accident on Sunday. She was running late for church. She doesn't like to be late. In just a few seconds the focus shifted from treatment for cancer to a new fight. She is in ICU. She has many broken bones, has undergone surgery, is cut and stitched and sedate. But she is still strong...she is still determined and she has the heart of a champion.
I violate her privacy simply to request prayers, thoughts and support for my hero.
She is my hero. She is fiercely independent, funny and lives her life with integrity. For nearly two years she has known she has a progressive cancer. She fights it and keeps moving forward. If the doctors have said it once they have said it a million times...she is doing better than expected. She looks great and she has the attitude and determination that make the difference.
She has faith in God. She loves her family. She is a leader even when she isn't aware. Her grandson thinks she hung the moon. When we visited her last week he commented to her that he is treated "like royalty" when he is there. That is the knack of "grandmother" to make each of us feel like we are special.
Last week when we were at the doctor's office we were making plans for her to begin a new course of action for the cancer. But that all changed in just a few seconds on Sunday. I have thought it in my mind thousands of time since Sunday....how much difference a few seconds can make in a life.
She had a serious car accident on Sunday. She was running late for church. She doesn't like to be late. In just a few seconds the focus shifted from treatment for cancer to a new fight. She is in ICU. She has many broken bones, has undergone surgery, is cut and stitched and sedate. But she is still strong...she is still determined and she has the heart of a champion.
I violate her privacy simply to request prayers, thoughts and support for my hero.
October 26, 2009
Risk
I have recently taken a few new risks. I have failed at a few. While I feel the sadness that comes with the loss, I feel empowered by the knowledge that taking risk can enrich my life. I ran into this old quote and it inspired me to keep moving forward despite the outcome.......
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Anonymous
[seen variously attributed with slight variations to William Arthur Ward, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Leo Buscaglia, and anonymous]
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
-Anonymous
[seen variously attributed with slight variations to William Arthur Ward, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Leo Buscaglia, and anonymous]
Jung Quote
"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
-Carl Gustav Jung
-Carl Gustav Jung
October 18, 2009
Anxiety Vs. Comfort
I have found being busy, mission oriented and full of stress to be a cause to keep the focus off of the emotional. My thoughts, I surmise, is that it is easier to deal with tasks than with the hassle of feeling. The truth? It is tiring. Trying to bottle up emotion by concentrating on real or made up responsibility takes more energy than actually dealing with the “stuff”.
There aren’t any childhood traumas to deal with today. It is just the day-to-day life issues that are building up. There are many uncharted territory matters that I am meeting in my path. While I am eager for challenge I am also feeling discomfort in the practical application of change.
When I know what to expect, I am positive. When I am fearful, I often become negative. There are multiple areas of my life that are presently shifting. None of them are unconstructive but they bring familiar trepidation.
After getting into the groove of graduate school I became at ease and realized my potential. I began to see that I was able to complete the work. When graduate school ended the comfort ended. A lifelong dream was realized but I was secure in graduate school. Now that I am faced with the new challenge of doctoral work I am out of my comfort zone and feeling discontent.
As the relationships in my life change I feel the insecurity of the adjustment at the same time I see the excitement in new opportunities. Again, the issue of security arises.
Related to my career, I have come upon challenges I have not had to this point. Again, they are not something I do not need to tackle; only something I had not previously encountered.
I have also allowed myself to become friends with two or three people. And being friends instead of acquaintances is tricky. Friendship for me brings about a vulnerability I feel anxious about.
While I desire the experiences I have in front of me it is causing the apprehension that the unknown brings. Today I am attempting to focus on the present. I am fully aware that clinging to contentment will not allow me to grow as I desire. Experience is enriching. Each day I will just remind myself what a past friend used to tell me, “put on your big girl panties” and do it.
Fighting anxiety.
There aren’t any childhood traumas to deal with today. It is just the day-to-day life issues that are building up. There are many uncharted territory matters that I am meeting in my path. While I am eager for challenge I am also feeling discomfort in the practical application of change.
When I know what to expect, I am positive. When I am fearful, I often become negative. There are multiple areas of my life that are presently shifting. None of them are unconstructive but they bring familiar trepidation.
After getting into the groove of graduate school I became at ease and realized my potential. I began to see that I was able to complete the work. When graduate school ended the comfort ended. A lifelong dream was realized but I was secure in graduate school. Now that I am faced with the new challenge of doctoral work I am out of my comfort zone and feeling discontent.
As the relationships in my life change I feel the insecurity of the adjustment at the same time I see the excitement in new opportunities. Again, the issue of security arises.
Related to my career, I have come upon challenges I have not had to this point. Again, they are not something I do not need to tackle; only something I had not previously encountered.
I have also allowed myself to become friends with two or three people. And being friends instead of acquaintances is tricky. Friendship for me brings about a vulnerability I feel anxious about.
While I desire the experiences I have in front of me it is causing the apprehension that the unknown brings. Today I am attempting to focus on the present. I am fully aware that clinging to contentment will not allow me to grow as I desire. Experience is enriching. Each day I will just remind myself what a past friend used to tell me, “put on your big girl panties” and do it.
Fighting anxiety.
October 02, 2009
Acceptance in 2009
This time of the year is often a time of reflection for me. The season is changing, my birthday is fast approaching and the holidays are right around the corner. It feels like a time for change. And it is. Many things are different this year than they were last. I am getting into the groove of the job I began a little more than a year ago. I moved, I finished one degree and began another. I have allowed myself to form more friendships and have changed the path of others.
The biggest thing I believe I am learning to embrace is change. I realize acceptance of the way things are is an important element to my happiness. It was in 1993 when I memorized what was then page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was the key to serenity, I was told…..“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”.
And in fact, sixteen years later I find that to be the truth. While I memorized the words of that passage in 1993, I have absorbed it in 2009. The truth is, things are as they are. My mom has cancer. Significant relationships have changed. I am turning 40. I have lost some friends. I have gained some new ones. Days continue to pass and I continue to learn.
Things are not bad or good. Things just are. My attitude toward them is the main thing I can control. Attempts to control the other parts only causes me worry and unnecessary misery. Acceptance isn’t so bad.
Recently, someone challenged me with something they heard Victor Frankl say when they heard him speak. He asked, “when you have lost everything – family, material possessions, belongings – when you are standing naked….what do you have that cannot be taken away? Those are the things I can be grateful for on the days I believe I have nothing else.
There are many things I am grateful for.
The biggest thing I believe I am learning to embrace is change. I realize acceptance of the way things are is an important element to my happiness. It was in 1993 when I memorized what was then page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This was the key to serenity, I was told…..“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”.
And in fact, sixteen years later I find that to be the truth. While I memorized the words of that passage in 1993, I have absorbed it in 2009. The truth is, things are as they are. My mom has cancer. Significant relationships have changed. I am turning 40. I have lost some friends. I have gained some new ones. Days continue to pass and I continue to learn.
Things are not bad or good. Things just are. My attitude toward them is the main thing I can control. Attempts to control the other parts only causes me worry and unnecessary misery. Acceptance isn’t so bad.
Recently, someone challenged me with something they heard Victor Frankl say when they heard him speak. He asked, “when you have lost everything – family, material possessions, belongings – when you are standing naked….what do you have that cannot be taken away? Those are the things I can be grateful for on the days I believe I have nothing else.
There are many things I am grateful for.
September 28, 2009
Auf Widersehen
So the decision has been made. Interestingly, it was a very grown up decision. I attempted to void the emotions from the decision making process in order to allow it to be reasonable instead of wrought with heart sickness.
On Friday, someone I trust gave me a book to read. He has watched me and talked with me enough over the last year, apparently, to have insight into something that I may need right at this very moment. The book is called, The Alchemist. I am only 29 pages into the book and have already identified many things that are needed in my life. Things I knew, but need to know on a new level.
One of the areas my confidant has challenged me is in the area of being present. One of the things he brought to my attention is the opportunities I miss by ignoring my surroundings. He challenged me to open my eyes and see who is around me and what they might offer me. His example was that in the Starbucks I might engage people more with eye contact, a smile and even idle chit chat. While my concept of chit chat is that it is a waste of my precious insightful time, he disputes that with the notion that I am missing an opportunity to cultivate friendships with people who I may learn from by dismissing them.
So, yesterday I was walking through the grocery when a man dropped his apples. As they went rolling on the floor I thought of the friendly advice. I thought of what I could say as a clever retort to the fruit spill. I never said anything. And that disturbed me about myself. So, this morning I decided to put this concept to the test. I have made direct eye contact with everyone I have come in contact with. I have smiled and been friendly. I have opened myself up to the interactions. I have opened myself up to the lessons. Ultimately, I have opened myself up the vulnerability of someone knowing me.
One of the most alarming discoveries that have come of my talking with him is that I know many people but I allow few people to really know me. I want to work actively to change that.
Auf Wiedersehen to the past.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly learn something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way”. ~ Doris Lessing
On Friday, someone I trust gave me a book to read. He has watched me and talked with me enough over the last year, apparently, to have insight into something that I may need right at this very moment. The book is called, The Alchemist. I am only 29 pages into the book and have already identified many things that are needed in my life. Things I knew, but need to know on a new level.
One of the areas my confidant has challenged me is in the area of being present. One of the things he brought to my attention is the opportunities I miss by ignoring my surroundings. He challenged me to open my eyes and see who is around me and what they might offer me. His example was that in the Starbucks I might engage people more with eye contact, a smile and even idle chit chat. While my concept of chit chat is that it is a waste of my precious insightful time, he disputes that with the notion that I am missing an opportunity to cultivate friendships with people who I may learn from by dismissing them.
So, yesterday I was walking through the grocery when a man dropped his apples. As they went rolling on the floor I thought of the friendly advice. I thought of what I could say as a clever retort to the fruit spill. I never said anything. And that disturbed me about myself. So, this morning I decided to put this concept to the test. I have made direct eye contact with everyone I have come in contact with. I have smiled and been friendly. I have opened myself up to the interactions. I have opened myself up to the lessons. Ultimately, I have opened myself up the vulnerability of someone knowing me.
One of the most alarming discoveries that have come of my talking with him is that I know many people but I allow few people to really know me. I want to work actively to change that.
Auf Wiedersehen to the past.
“That is what learning is. You suddenly learn something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way”. ~ Doris Lessing
September 24, 2009
A life Celebrated
Over the weekend someone very dear to the treatment and recovery community in DFW passed away. I attended a service for him. I mentioned to the people who sat with me afterward that it caused me to pause and think about my own contributions. Would that many people care about me enough to attend a memorial? Would that many people have been impacted by my life when my time is done? They agreed that funerals and memorials bring that question up in all of us.
The contributions of counselors in the substance abuse field often go unsung. It seems that counselors are in the fight with the clients, witnessing transformation and trauma, but seldom are they acknowledged for the work they do. If it weren’t for those counselors and fellow recovering individuals many active substance abusers would not know another way of life. Those who publicly announce their personal recovery would not have it if it weren’t for the ones who helped them understand and acknowledge the addiction.
Many people make mini-impacts on the world just by touching one life. One life changed makes a difference to all of the people that person will effect.
I find it so fitting that this man passed as the season was changing and while we are in celebration of Recovery Month. He will be missed. But his mission will be carried on by all of those he touched. The world is different for so many because he lived.
What do you contribute and how are you celebrated?
The contributions of counselors in the substance abuse field often go unsung. It seems that counselors are in the fight with the clients, witnessing transformation and trauma, but seldom are they acknowledged for the work they do. If it weren’t for those counselors and fellow recovering individuals many active substance abusers would not know another way of life. Those who publicly announce their personal recovery would not have it if it weren’t for the ones who helped them understand and acknowledge the addiction.
Many people make mini-impacts on the world just by touching one life. One life changed makes a difference to all of the people that person will effect.
I find it so fitting that this man passed as the season was changing and while we are in celebration of Recovery Month. He will be missed. But his mission will be carried on by all of those he touched. The world is different for so many because he lived.
What do you contribute and how are you celebrated?
September 19, 2009
Decision
Currently I am faced with a decision that I do not want to make. As a subscriber to the belief that decisions unmade are decisions to let someone else decide…..this is not the behavior I enjoy seeing myself demonstrate. However, I feel stopped by fear. Either of the choices I have to make is undesirable to me on some level.
I had a conversation with someone I trust and respect about this yesterday. One of the things he indicated seeing in me is that I keep getting in my own way. As he was talking and I was thinking the tears would not stop flowing. I do get in my own way. I over think and I awfulize possibilities. He described some zen ideas of allowing yourself to let life come to you and go with the flow as if it were a river moving you. While I can comprehend that and even imagine it for someone else I cannot imagine it for myself, especially not in this decision.
I need to allow myself to be moved by life.
I had a conversation with someone I trust and respect about this yesterday. One of the things he indicated seeing in me is that I keep getting in my own way. As he was talking and I was thinking the tears would not stop flowing. I do get in my own way. I over think and I awfulize possibilities. He described some zen ideas of allowing yourself to let life come to you and go with the flow as if it were a river moving you. While I can comprehend that and even imagine it for someone else I cannot imagine it for myself, especially not in this decision.
I need to allow myself to be moved by life.
September 14, 2009
It feels like he was an infant just yesterday but soon he will be turning 9. Internally I think I hope that he needs me a little more often than he pretends he does. Externally, I pat him on the back and send him on his way with all of my support and encouragement.
Tonight he was having trouble falling asleep so I lay with him in his bed. He told me some of his fears about when the lights go out. So I listened. I comforted and encouraged him. Inwardly, I was treasuring this moment. He tucked my arm around him so tightly that any movement I made would wake him. Each time I thought of getting up he would look at me as if to ask me to stay for a minute longer. The minutes are so short these days, I enjoyed staying.
As he lay sleeping I looked at him with many realizations. He is mine. He is like a miniature version of what I once was. He is innocent. As I once was. He is as moldable and impressionable, as I. Each morning I wake him with a cheerful call so he can start his day with a positive outlook. Each day I whisper words of support to him as he gets out the car at school in order to provide him with the idea that he can make it. Each day when I pick him up I ask him to tell me everything great that happened in order to help him find the good in all situations. And at night I tuck him in with prayers and a daily review in order to give him insight into personal inventory and hope for an even better tomorrow.
I feel so blessed that I have him. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to help him become strong – emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I ask for guidance from God and others I trust to help me guide him in the direction he is to go. I have such a short time to influence him. I have such a short time to keep him safe. But I am so grateful for every moment because I learn so much from him.
Reflecting
Tonight he was having trouble falling asleep so I lay with him in his bed. He told me some of his fears about when the lights go out. So I listened. I comforted and encouraged him. Inwardly, I was treasuring this moment. He tucked my arm around him so tightly that any movement I made would wake him. Each time I thought of getting up he would look at me as if to ask me to stay for a minute longer. The minutes are so short these days, I enjoyed staying.
As he lay sleeping I looked at him with many realizations. He is mine. He is like a miniature version of what I once was. He is innocent. As I once was. He is as moldable and impressionable, as I. Each morning I wake him with a cheerful call so he can start his day with a positive outlook. Each day I whisper words of support to him as he gets out the car at school in order to provide him with the idea that he can make it. Each day when I pick him up I ask him to tell me everything great that happened in order to help him find the good in all situations. And at night I tuck him in with prayers and a daily review in order to give him insight into personal inventory and hope for an even better tomorrow.
I feel so blessed that I have him. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to help him become strong – emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I ask for guidance from God and others I trust to help me guide him in the direction he is to go. I have such a short time to influence him. I have such a short time to keep him safe. But I am so grateful for every moment because I learn so much from him.
Reflecting
September 08, 2009
Amends
For more than a week I have been conversing with someone who knows my history. It has stirred emotion in me in a way I cannot yet fully digest. I left my hometown before my recovery process began. So, I was able to leave behind the people who were aware, first hand, of my behaviors. In the new town I was able to tell the story from my own perspective. Often, I was the victim in my story telling. Rarely did my story contain information of the wreckage I caused to other people. Frequently, I would only discuss the debris I left for myself.
Many times I have thought of the actual damage I have done. Many times I have thought that the change in my life has been a living amends to the people I had harmed that I could not locate to make personal amends. I believe my recovery is solid. I believe my lifestyle is a testament to my genuineness to live differently. However, these exchanges have left me thinking about the past more than I would like.
The person has assured me that all is forgiven. So, what is the reason this does not seem like enough? I believe one of the reasons is that they shared with me the fact that even back then they saw through some of my pain and insecurity to the person I am today. That is the part that has me baffled. I could not even see her. Yet, someone else could. And they have forgiven me for behaviors that I find revolting, perhaps, unforgiveable.
So, I have forgiven myself. I have asked for forgiveness. And I have lived the last sixteen years making the past right. I am searching for the reason I am feeling as I do today. As if something more should be done. As if a piece of that puzzle is missing.
I have been given feedback from several people I trust. They all concur that since I have dealt with the person I was then I would be better served to stop my mind from wandering back into that and just move forward with the person I am today. I want to do that. And I believe I can. This is just more than a gentle reminder that even when the past has passed, it is still a part of me.
Feedback welcome.
Many times I have thought of the actual damage I have done. Many times I have thought that the change in my life has been a living amends to the people I had harmed that I could not locate to make personal amends. I believe my recovery is solid. I believe my lifestyle is a testament to my genuineness to live differently. However, these exchanges have left me thinking about the past more than I would like.
The person has assured me that all is forgiven. So, what is the reason this does not seem like enough? I believe one of the reasons is that they shared with me the fact that even back then they saw through some of my pain and insecurity to the person I am today. That is the part that has me baffled. I could not even see her. Yet, someone else could. And they have forgiven me for behaviors that I find revolting, perhaps, unforgiveable.
So, I have forgiven myself. I have asked for forgiveness. And I have lived the last sixteen years making the past right. I am searching for the reason I am feeling as I do today. As if something more should be done. As if a piece of that puzzle is missing.
I have been given feedback from several people I trust. They all concur that since I have dealt with the person I was then I would be better served to stop my mind from wandering back into that and just move forward with the person I am today. I want to do that. And I believe I can. This is just more than a gentle reminder that even when the past has passed, it is still a part of me.
Feedback welcome.
September 06, 2009
Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot eat away at peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
Author Unknown
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot eat away at peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
Author Unknown
September 05, 2009
Brian
09-13-1996
I thought he was the knight
In shining armor
But he wasn’t
He was as close to one as I’ve known
I suppose
He said he cared
And I believe he did
We talked
We walked
And he touched me
In my heart
He was a friend
A real friend
Such a handsome man
And cute boy
So serious
So responsible
But still silly
I laughed a lot
And I needed to
I think he liked me
As much as I did him
It was new and I wasn’t afraid
To be who I really am
And he didn’t stop me from
Being me
Either
I thought he was the knight
In shining armor
But he wasn’t
He was as close to one as I’ve known
I suppose
He said he cared
And I believe he did
We talked
We walked
And he touched me
In my heart
He was a friend
A real friend
Such a handsome man
And cute boy
So serious
So responsible
But still silly
I laughed a lot
And I needed to
I think he liked me
As much as I did him
It was new and I wasn’t afraid
To be who I really am
And he didn’t stop me from
Being me
Either
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