Many times I hear myself saying, “everything is meant to be.” Or “the struggles in my life have made me who I am.” While engaging in some deep thought recently, I found myself saying that I have learned some lessons along the way that I never wanted to learn. That is where I am today. I am not whining. I am not looking for a pep talk. I am just processing.
Here are the top five lessons I have learned, but never wanted to.
1. Losing my father…..
Who wants to be without a father for nearly 20 years? I sure didn't. At 25 I was just emerging as an adult. I was a bit of a later bloomer into adulthood. I realize now that having an adult relationship with a parent is very different than an adult-child relationship. I also wish he was here for my son to meet. My son doesn't know it to be different, but I know he missed out on meeting a very special man.
2. Losing my mother to a stupid car accident.
After going through such an ordeal battling cancer, I know I thought cancer would take her life. Ultimately, I assume it played a huge role in her ability to recover. And I even recently found myself telling someone the car wreck might have been a blessing. Still, watching the woman I have seen as the strongest role model in my life suffer and eventually pass away was not something I could have even fathomed. Not like that. In less than two short months she will have been gone for three years. I have never been the same since that day. And I don't look to being the same. I know there will always be a difference in me, as a result. Her being in my life made me want to be a better person.
At times I feel lost without her to turn to in flesh.
I recognize I can’t want to be better for someone else. And, my spiritual beliefs cause me to believe she is still part of my life. Either way….I still never imagined learning that lesson.
I likely don’t have to elaborate on that one. I married someone at 29 years old. I wanted to be married and never imagined even considering divorce, much less following through. I believe people should stay and work things out. I also didn’t ever want my son to be from a divorced home. Yet, here I am.
4. Having my heart broken by the one person I thought never would.
How I stood back and allowed myself to fully and absolutely let someone in still surprises me. I knew the risk. That is what love is supposed to do, right? And how do you ever really know the outcome? No matter what another promises, they always have a choice in the matter. Intentional or not, the pain is still deep. And after doing many things I know to do in order to heal, I am not. I miss him. I wish it had turned out differently. And while I know he is never ever coming back, even though I think he should, he isn't. And moving forward is not something I have the instruction book for on this situation.
I have the qualities and characteristics of a strong woman. I planned for and learned all of the skills necessary to support myself. I am independent. It has taken me a great deal of that strength to fall on my knees and admit how much my heart was broken.
5. Ridding myself of a toxic relationship when I still love that person.
There are few times I have let someone go because it was best for me. I am a long-termer when it comes to love. However, over a period of time being hurt again and again, it was my decision to protect myself from being in the position of inevitable harm. Many times I thought she might change. Many times I believed in the value of the relationships. Many times I had hope. Over and again I was disappointed. Others don’t change simply because I will them to. Or because I beg them. Self-preservation of my own health was my choice. I would not feed myself poison.
Yes, I have learned from each experience. Yes, I am strong because of each experience. Yes, I might even have a better character after having worked through the experience.
No, I didn't want to learn the lessons in that way.
In order to end on a note of humor, perhaps, I will add a sixth thing I didn’t care to learn…..
6. The impact gravity has on aging.
NO IMAGE REQUIRED!