September 17, 2012

Lessons I Never Wanted to Learn

Many times I hear myself saying,  “everything is meant to be.”  Or “the struggles in my life have made me who I am.”  While engaging in some deep thought recently, I found myself saying that I have learned some lessons along the way that I never wanted to learn.  That is where I am today.  I am not whining.  I am not looking for a pep talk.  I am just processing. 

Here are the top five lessons I have learned, but never wanted to.

1.  Losing my father…..

Who wants to be without a father for nearly 20 years?  I sure didn't.  At 25 I was just emerging as an adult.  I was a bit of a later bloomer into adulthood.  I realize now that having an adult relationship with a parent is very different than an adult-child relationship.  I also wish he was here for my son to meet.  My son doesn't know it to be different, but I know he missed out on meeting a very special man. 

2.  Losing my mother to a stupid car accident. 

After going through such an ordeal battling cancer, I know I thought cancer would take her life.  Ultimately, I assume it played a huge role in her ability to recover.  And I even recently found myself telling someone the car wreck might have been a blessing.  Still, watching the woman I have seen as the strongest role model in my life suffer and eventually pass away was not something I could have even fathomed.  Not like that.  In less than two short months she will have been gone for three years.  I have never been the same since that day.  And I don't look to being the same.  I know there will always be a difference in me, as a result.  Her being in my life made me want to be a better person. 

At times I feel lost without her to turn to in flesh.  

I recognize I can’t want to be better for someone else.  And, my spiritual beliefs cause me to believe she is still part of my life.  Either way….I still never imagined learning that lesson.

3.  Divorcing.

I likely don’t have to elaborate on that one.  I married someone at 29 years old.  I wanted to be married and never imagined even considering divorce, much less following through.  I believe people should stay and work things out.  I also didn’t ever want my son to be from a divorced home.  Yet, here I am.

4.  Having my heart broken by the one person I thought never would.

How I stood back and allowed myself to fully and absolutely let someone in still surprises me.  I knew the risk.  That is what love is supposed to do, right?  And how do you ever really know the outcome?  No matter what another promises, they always have a choice in the matter.  Intentional or not, the pain is still deep.  And after doing many things I know to do in order to heal, I am not.  I miss him.  I wish it had turned out differently.  And while I know he is never ever coming back, even though I think he should, he isn't.  And moving forward is not something I have the instruction book for on this situation. 

I have the qualities and characteristics of a strong woman.  I planned for and learned all of the skills necessary to support myself.  I am independent.  It has taken me a great deal of that strength to fall on my knees and admit how much my heart was broken.  

5.  Ridding myself of a toxic relationship when I still love that person.

There are few times I have let someone go because it was best for me.  I am a long-termer when it comes to love.  However, over a period of time being hurt again and again, it was my decision to protect myself from being in the position of inevitable harm.  Many times I thought she might change.  Many times I believed in the value of the relationships.  Many times I had hope.  Over and again I was disappointed.  Others don’t change simply because I will them to.  Or because I beg them.  Self-preservation of my own health was my choice. I would not feed myself poison.  

Yes, I have learned from each experience.  Yes, I am strong because of each experience.  Yes, I might even have a better character after having worked through the experience.

No, I didn't want to learn the lessons in that way.

In order to end on a note of humor, perhaps, I will add a sixth thing I didn’t care to learn…..

6.  The impact gravity has on aging. 


Lesson learned…..

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