December 23, 2010

The Couch

As the year winds down I typically find myself reflecting. It is an annual event that I recap my year. This is characteristically an event of self-evaluation. It is my litmus test for productivity and growth, if you will.

In December 2009 I was spending each weekend and my son’s holiday vacation at my mom’s house with her death still fresh in my heart. The process of sorting and packing fell to me. For one reason, I had the time. For another, I needed that process. Each of my siblings posses different strengths. Mine seems to be in emotion. I recall those days and think of how dark they were. It seems it was then I felt the most alone in my life. I even recollect writing about the process of losing “home”.

Between her death and through most of the winter I spent time on the couch. I sat on my couch at home and the one in my therapists’ office (metaphorically speaking, of course, he actually has chairs!). The depth of my sadness was brutal. It stole my breath, nearly my life.

As dark as some of my writing was at that time, it was edited in order to be published. It wasn’t out of shame as much as my desire for it to be palatable for those who read. I didn’t want anyone aware of how hopeless I felt for fear others would be ready for me to “get over it”. But not now, as I am getting to the other side of it now and I feel I have a story to tell. Maybe not all of it today, maybe just in bits and pieces….I am going to tell the story. Outloud.

One of the things I kept reminding myself during those bleaker days last year was if I allowed myself to be sad, hurt, lonely, angry, and anything else that came up, I would grow and learn. And one day I would be where I am today…..a little better but always changed. With a great deal of work to still be done I am grateful at the same time.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I have hope for the New Year and look forward…..which is more than I can say for last December.

Onward, again.

No comments: