The Bliss of "then"

Do you recall the times when we said, “we would never” in judgment of others based only on the inexperience of our youth? And we thought clinging to our beliefs would be enough to pull us through any challenge? But that was long before we had to endure the pain and heartache of the hardship? We made assumptions about what would be founded in nothing more than the innocence within us? We saw through different eyes then, didn’t we? We made unspoken promises about what we would do and a notion of the things we would never do. We looked at others in assessment of their decisions but based them on our circumstance.

And then life began to happen and our circumstances provided new experience and lo and behold, our behaviors followed our encounters faster than it chased our conviction. And there we were. Decisions were made based on new understanding with a new appreciation for knowledge based on life event.

And here we are now standing at an impasse with an internal struggle between those once unadulterated ideas and the evidence of life lessons. And the pain of the external fight between forces that no longer are concerned about being happy, only being right. The mêlée no longer about the idea that set it in motion but now about the principle of winning….and where is the winner in this, I wonder? Who wins when we move so far from what we once viewed as the glue that held us together? When we are stretched so far from one another that we cannot even hear one another cry?

I wonder if we could go back to then..when the ignorance worked?

Dad

My dad would have been 76 today.

Happy Birthday dad.

Away we go

I saw this movie today. It was a great! A Sam Mendes film starring John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. I didn't have an expectation. I decided to just buy a ticket to the next film playing when I arrived at the theatre. It was a great surprise. I would sum it up to say it was about finding happiness, realizing differences, seeing how much people change over time and going home. I laughed and I cried. I think I will try just showing up and seeing a movie like that again.

Great time.

Chicken Dance

Yesterday I headed to my mom's house and then went to the anniversary party and dance for a relative. It was an incredible experience.

Being at the dance brought back so many childhood memories and brought me so many adult insights. We met at the same dance hall that so many family reunions, parties, dances and wedding celebrations were held in the past. It had the same excitement as I remember from "back then". The difference for me this time is that I appreciated every moment. I danced as often as I could....even when I didn't know the dance. I took as many kids on the floor with me as I could drag. Some I couldn't get off the floor and some never stepped foot. My son danced with me a few times and that melted my heart.

For the last few weeks I have been telling him about the fun I had growing up going to these Czech dances. I told him all about the wedding march, the polkas and my all time favorite "chicken dance". As silly as I know I probably looked I did that dance with complete joy.

I enjoyed visiting with everyone. There were so many people there that I only see at times like that. Everytime I walk away from those occassions I wonder why I wait for those occassions to visit with them because I enjoy them so much.

I also like the fact that I come from a heritage as rich as the Czech & Catholic traditions. What a gift it brings to be and know that gift.

And it brought back the memory of those who aren't there anymore. My brother mentioned to me that it wasn't the same not to look up and see uncle Johnny. I also thought about my aunt Frances and my granny. They would have loved to see all the fun everyone was having last night. And my dad. He and mom always enjoyed dancing together. When the band played "silver wings" I had to sit with my mom. My brother was already there. And my sister and I talked about it later. We know she must really miss him, especially at times like last night.

I am very sad that my mom is sick. I pray blessings and healing for her daily. But I also need to just sit in this moment. Because she was happy last night. She had her entire family together enjoying something that was very important to her. Each one of us went to that party last night joyfully. No one felt forced to go to "make an appearance" and we didn't want it to end.

I watched my mom last night and she was happy. That was worth it all.

And the kids.....they were exhausted. They fell sound asleep on a pallet we made for them on the living room floor...just like granny used to make for us. I want to enrich my son's life with the kinds of memories I have of my childhood and allow him to make them his own....chicken dance and all.

The circle of life.

Family Weekend

I really enjoyed the concert with my nephew. Snow Patrol and Coldplay was great.

The beach with my boy was great!!!!

Chatting with my sister and doing our usual silliness.....

And I enjoyed the family reunion....but won't post any photos because my mom dosen't like being on my blog!

Long Time No Blog

It has been almost a month. The reason is good. Just very busy. The treatment center is growing faster than any program I have ever seen.

The new home is great. I am enjoying it. I like the hassle free lifestyle....no lawn to mow, to pool to clean. Ahhh. I like that part.

My boy had his first communion over a week ago. Most of my family came up for it. It was a memorable Mother's Day weekend.

Photos above....

Move

I am moving this weekend. I have spent the last year planning this departure. For at least three months I have been boxing and deciding what I need to rid myself of. Yet, I sit here today thinking how unprepared I am. There are still items that haven't been boxed. My movers have still not called to confirm and I cannot find their phone number. Mostly, I am sad. I love this house and I will miss it. But it is time to move forward and I am ready for that part.

Movin'...

Insight

The last two weeks have provided me with insight at lightening speed. About twelve years too late!

I had dinner with one of my old friends on Friday night. I went to her house to pick her up. When she walked out the door I jumped out of my car a quickly as I could to hug her. She was beautiful. She looked like she hadn't aged at all. But as we talked I realized we are both much older with wisdom than we were the last time we saw one another.

As I sat across from her I began realizing how many years I missed out on her life. I love her. She was a wonderful friend and I have so many memories with her. Friday was an opportunity for me to be a living amends to someone I really hurt and it was long overdue.

I had many enlightenment's while preparing for and in the midst of Friday. One of the things I had affirmed was that I cannot regret the past. Each experience I have had has aided in my becoming who I am. And I like who I am. Another thing I learned was that while I have run from my hometown for most of my life there is a great deal of value to being there again.

I have known before but know in a new way now that I have a lot to learn about what it means to be a friend. It is an area I still struggle with and want to continue to grow.

Finally, I was able to confirm that I have changed. The person I am today is merely a hint of who I was fifteen or sixteen years ago. Although, I have verbalized that I wish I could have learned the lessons I learned in my twenties in a two-day seminar instead of going through the pain of those years, I actually understand the need to go through the process.

Happy Easter.

Passed the Past

This week I am going to see some women I haven't seen in fifteen years. I have fear about that. I am anxious to see them. I have thought of them many times throughout the years. But seeing people from my past brings some negative anxiety to my mind, as well.

It is my fault that we are no longer friends. I was a very selfish person and I did not do the things I needed to nurture those relationships. In recovery I have often taken the stance of "the past has passed" and try not to turn back. At the same time I remember the lessons learned from the mistakes of the past.

In examining my fear I have realized that I am fearful of the intimacy close friendships bring and require. That is more of a revelation to me now than I had imagined. I am an open book most days. If someone asks me a question I will answer. Honesty is woven into my core -- sometimes to a fault. But being honest and open about myself doesn't necessarily mean I allow the capacity for intimacy.

I was ready for a break from this insight. No such luck.

Anxious about the past.

Sonny Sonshine

That is what I call my son. He is the best. Yesterday he allowed me the privilage of going to see a Thomas the Train exhibit. We rode the train. He was worried he was too old so we said it was he who was going with me. What a sweetheart. My life is better because of him.

Peace and sonshine!

Anger

I am angry right now. I feel justified in my anger. I have been taken advantage of. On top of that when I expressed my anger the response was a little similar to "look what I have done for you"! My unhealthy brain tells me to say, "screw it" and take off. My healthy brain tells me I have very good communication skills and I am a very strong woman. I know I can handle the situation diplomatically, calmly and in a healthy way. So I will.

Typically when I feel that kind of anger come up inside of me it is not because of what has been done to me but that I allowed it. My response is usually not that of a victim that believes something to be unfair because I do not like the idea that I do not have control over something.

So that is where I am now. Trying to decide what is just, what is my responsibility and what I do have control over. When I answer those questions I will take action. Until then I am going to sit with this feeling and work through it to a resolution.

Some days I wish I weren't healthy. Then I could just stick a pencil in someones ear and feel good about.

Ciao.

Spring Break

What fun he had on Spring Break. My son was down south for the entire week. When he got back on Friday night he kept hugging me and sitting right beside me. I like that! I am so happy he enjoyed his time away but I am very glad he is home.

My week alone reminded me how much I enjoy being a mom. I feel so blessed to have him.

In about four weeks we will move from our house into a small space. I have been looking forward to this for a while. I am getting excited about getting into a new place....especially being so close to his school. We are making plans for his summer break now. There will be football camps, basketball camps and the lake camp he loved so much last year. We will also go on a couple of long weekend trips and one bigger vacation.

Planning....

Since 28 January 2009

That was the "big day" for me. The day I decided to make some lifestyle changes. The day my doctor said I had some stuff out of whack in my blood and thought my heart was off-beat! Since then I have remained faithful to a new eating plan that includes high protein, low carbs, little sugar and fat. I was also put on a supplement routine and exercise was encouraged.

I have done well with eating better. I did well with the supplements until about ten days ago when my hard head won out. I hate taking pills. I tried putting them in with my protein shake and I liked that less. I will just learn to take them even if I don't like to.

I started an exercise routine one month ago (14 February 2008). I am doing a combo of walking and jogging. I hear I might work into jogging the whole way. Close to three miles is as far as I have gone but I am really encouraged because exercise has not been a normal part of my life -- ever.

My battle is with not getting on the scale everyday. If I do that I will become obsessed and end up in some treatment center for an eating disorder, I am sure. (Not that the time off in a spa like atmosphere is something I would oppose :) ! ). I know how much weight I have lost because I stop by my doctor's office about once a week to use the scale there because it measures BMI, muscle and water in addition to pounds. I like that because I can see something in the results I have not looked at before.

This is a "one day at a time" kind of journey. Who would have thunk it? Me changing? And doing it one day at a time?

Six and a half weeks of one day at a time....

Religion

Today my son has his first reconciliation ceremony. He went to confession for the first time. Afterward he was so excited he called his grandmother and told her how great he felt about it. She told him what a special event this was and that mom should treat him to something nice. We went to a Christian bookstore and let him pick out a couple of things. He got two books and a sweat shirt. We also got a small gift for a friend celebrating four years of sobriety tonight.

When we were checking out he told the clerk that he had just had his first reconciliation. She spent the next ten minutes telling my son (and me, really, I suppose) that being Catholic was not the real way to God. My son was so excited about what had just happened to him during his reconciliation because he has been preparing since September for it that I was eager to leave the store before she convinced him he did not believe in God the "right" way. She said some things to him that I found horribly offensive...like "when I was Catholic my daughter found Jesus during her first reconciliation and asked Jesus to save her parents" and "you pray to the Lord you don't go talking to angels", etc. I could go into how inaccurate and archaic her understanding of Catholicism is and that Catholic is a religion of Christian belief but I would digress from my primary thoughts....

I was trapped at the register checking out when she took him by himself to show him some bibles. I was mortified. I was shocked. I was nearly speechless. The only thing I could say to her when she said to my son, "Let me go tell you about how to believe in God through Jesus Christ" was, "It really is the same way he already does."

I left there and sat in my car for a moment to collect myself. I called my husband and asked him his opinion on that situation (history: I have always been Catholic, he has always been Baptist but we allow one another the luxury of making our own decisions related to God and have found in many of our discussions that we believe in the same God -- amazing, huh?). He explained a few things about why she might have responded that way but agreed that it was out of line.

I believe how I believe. I am very open to listening to others about how they believe. The reason I am willing to listen is that I am open to learn about other ideas. I am also confident that just listening to the way some else believes won't "rub off on me" and cause me to change my ideas. I can be friends with people, counsel with people and have great discussions with people who don't think in line with the way I think. I like that about me.

Ironically, as we walked into the store my son looked at the name and said, "Christian Book store....does that mean someone who doesn't believe in God can't go in there?". I explained to him how we need to be open and non-judgemental of everyone because they will not learn about God if they aren't given the opportunity. Funny. The lady that worked there needs to be told that.

After I left as I was processing through the events I found myself realizing something that doesn't just apply to religion but my understanding of life in general.....judging someone for not believing or living the way you do alienates them. If you really want that person to have a deeper understanding of your beliefs the way to get to that place does not begin with telling them they are wrong. Why would someone embrace your ideas if you judge them and condemn them for the ones they have?

My clients come to me involved in behaviors that create wreckage in their lives. They would never open up to me or even begin to listen to my ideas about recovery if I told them they were living wrong. They wouldn't even hear me if I told them they need to change. I don't remember feeling this way before. My mom told me people like her were out there...and I guess there are.

I am going to try to learn from this and move forward. I am sure there are many lessons for me.

Frustrated.

Last Night

I spent about an hour on the phone with a friend last night. I finally had to talk about my feelings about my mom's cancer. For so long I have focused on work and my home and all of my responsibilities. Last night the flood gate of emotions were released. I love my mom so much and there has never been one step in my life that I didn't imagine her being with me. The idea that she is ill is so difficult to comprehend.

I asked my sister today if it was worse knowing what she is facing or knowing nothing, like with our dad, and one day he is just gone? I guess either is difficult. I don't want to think of the possibilities.

She has been involved in every significant event in my son's life. She flew all the way to Germany to stay with us for the second month of his life. She stood in as proxy for his baptism in Germany. She was with us when he got his first little baby passport, was there for his first steps, his first teeth, his surgery when he was 11 months old, his first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and eighth birthday parties, all of his Easters, all of his Christmases, all of his camping trips, his first visit to the ocean, his first day of school in kindergarten and second grade....she has just always been there. The prospect of her not being is saddening.

My part now is to be there for her.