Last Night

I spent about an hour on the phone with a friend last night. I finally had to talk about my feelings about my mom's cancer. For so long I have focused on work and my home and all of my responsibilities. Last night the flood gate of emotions were released. I love my mom so much and there has never been one step in my life that I didn't imagine her being with me. The idea that she is ill is so difficult to comprehend.

I asked my sister today if it was worse knowing what she is facing or knowing nothing, like with our dad, and one day he is just gone? I guess either is difficult. I don't want to think of the possibilities.

She has been involved in every significant event in my son's life. She flew all the way to Germany to stay with us for the second month of his life. She stood in as proxy for his baptism in Germany. She was with us when he got his first little baby passport, was there for his first steps, his first teeth, his surgery when he was 11 months old, his first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and eighth birthday parties, all of his Easters, all of his Christmases, all of his camping trips, his first visit to the ocean, his first day of school in kindergarten and second grade....she has just always been there. The prospect of her not being is saddening.

My part now is to be there for her.