Like & Accept Everyone?

Recently someone asked me the reason I like and accept everyone.  Being the person I am, I asked them to explain by giving me an example.  They cited an example of my reception of the addicted clients I have worked with for twenty years.  Further, they said that it seems I accept all the things they say, do and believe. 

The truth, for me, is I do accept everyone. 

I believe people are going to be who they are going to be.  Moreover, I strongly disagree that it is my place in life to judge who they are.  Or to attempt to mold them into whom I believe they should become. 

Instead of the word acceptance, perhaps, that should be replaced with the word understand.

I fully understand that people are going to be a product of the environment they’ve been surrounded with most of their lives.  I think of a colleague who told me of a client who came from multi-generational abuse of the “system”.  The client said he was unemployed but he should be getting “a check” pretty soon because he had been approved for disability.  When asked his disability, he said, “I don’t know.  My mom filed all that paperwork”. 

While that scenario may make your head shake, it might be further frustrate you to know that this client didn’t ‘ see anything wrong with that story.  As a matter of fact, he didn’t realize there was anyone that might.  The client didn’t know any “better” behavior because he didn’t know any different. 

Addicts who relapse in treatment or after don’t make me mad.  Christians who tell me I’m going to hell because I am Catholic don’t make me mad.  Society members who don’t know why I counsel people with addiction and tell me it is a “lost cause” don’t make me mad.  Students who attempt to bait me into debate about a high-voltage topic in class don’t make me mad.  Actually, there aren’t many situations that do cause me to become angry.  And when I do become angry it is usually not the situation, but my mood when I am involved in the situation. 

My personal opinion, people are innately good.  Do they always act as if they are?  No.  Neither do I.  Another opinion, less frequently than you would like to admit, if you are intent on blaming the rest of the world for your troubles, is that people don't intentionally attempt to ruin your life.  And if by some possibility, another person is setting out to destroy you, can they really?  I mean, can they if you don’t let them? 

So often I hear people use phrases that make me cringe.  Some of those:

She’s trying to make me miserable.

I have no choice.

I never, ever ______________________.

I can’t stand ______________________.

You just don’t understand.

I have no choice (yes, I put that in there twice). 

Those are places I have been before.  I understand (not accept) people truly believe what they believe.  People act out of their wiring.  Until they find the tools, information, opportunities, and reasons to behave differently, why would they?  I can tell you why they wouldn’t.

They don’t know how.

They don’t realize they need to.

They don’t even know other options are available.

No one taught them.

They don’t know anything different. 

You may wonder if that means I am co-dependent and let people walk all over me and act any way they want…while I just smile and go along. 

Not at all.  I believe in rules.  I am probably more rigid about rules than I care to be, honestly.  If I am providing continuing education to a group who have rules that state you have to teach 50 minutes of the hour in order to get a certificate of completion, that is what we do.  Even if they don’t want to, even if I don’t want to. 

You may wonder if that means I have no belief system of my own. 

Nope.  I have a strong belief system I live by.  I teach it to my son.  I share it with anyone who is genuinely curious about it and asks.  I vote accordingly, I act accordingly, I live accordingly.  I just don’t ask you to.  I don’t believe my place in the world is to mold you into being me (I said that twice, must be important to me). 

How is it, you may wonder, that I understand but don’t accept all behavior.  I understand people are who they are.  So I don’t see a need to feel angry -or a need to change them- when they aren’t what I want them to be.  But, I don’t have to accept that behavior.  If there is a rule in a group that a client cannot be more than ten minutes late, I adhere to that rule.  I understand people are sometimes late, but if the rule says you can’t be, then I don’t allow it. 

In my personal life, my choice is not to involve myself with toxic people.  Even if I love them, even if I understand them, even if at one time they were close to me.  My choice is not to invite chaos in and not to allow it to remain if I spot it.  If someone consistently shows me they will only bring pandemonium into my peaceful life, I don’t continue the relationship.  I believe I get to be the one to chose how and who is in my life.  This is an example of the truth for me not liking everyone. 

Yes, there are people who I don’t like.  There are people who irritate me, people who aggravate me, people I wish were different, people I wish would grow up, people I wish would take responsibility for their own behaviors and decisions and quit blaming everyone else for their circumstances…..I understand them but don’t have to include them in my life. 

The payoff? 

I actually believe this makes my life easier.  I run my life.  I help my son make the best decisions to run his.  And that is about all I can fit on my plate.  It frees up space for serenity.  This deletes sleepless nights of plotting how I can make another person change.  It allows me to do more of the things I want and enjoy. 

I can open my mind to get to know people I might not otherwise.  I can carry on conversations and learn from people very different than me.  I can usually be anywhere, with most anyone and enjoy something about the experience.  Why?  Because I don’t walk into a room, go to a city, do work, take on a challenge that I feel I “have to”.  Instead, I chose those. 

And I don’t do any of the above in judgment of others.  And you know what I am talking about.  You know someone like this.  Or maybe you are someone like this…..walk into a room saying, “I don’t want to go to this stupid holiday party.  I don’t even like anyone.  It is going to be horrible.  I can’t stand this.  I am never going to have fun.  I have no choice about going but I am leaving thirty minutes after we get there”.  Yep.  You know this person.  And when they walk in (because they don’t like themselves, not other people) they immediately start picking everyone and everything a part. 

Did you see her shoes?

Can you believe how fat he has gotten?

Oh, my!  He is here with her?

What kind of food is this?  It looks awful.

Did you see the dining room?  The floor looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in months.

Can you believe what she just said?

She is trying to make me mad. 

Did you see how he just looked at me? 

That is exhausting.  Stop it. 

Stages of Change

I have long understood and appreciated Motivational Interviewing concepts in counseling.  Further, I adhere to the belief that The Stages of Change apply to a majority of my own life challenges.  A quick down and dirty of The Stages of Change goes like this:

When in the stage of Pre-Contemplation others may recognize I have an area that needs to change.  However, I do not.  This stage for me is akin to denial.

In the stage of Contemplation, I am beginning to see this area as something I might want to change.  I am starting to recognize the negative aspects of continuing the behavior.

In the stage of Preparation, I have accepted that this change needs to take place and have gone so far as to look into how I will execute said change.  I might have even given the change a start date.

In the Action stage I am doing this new behavior daily.

During the Maintenance stage I have continued this change in behavior for at least 3-6 months.

If return to the old behavior occurs this stage is considered Relapse.

Yes, there is a point to this instruction.

I am inviting you to follow me in a change I have considered (contemplation) for a while.  Five months ago it wasn't even a concern (pre-contemplation).  For three weeks I have researched -- more than on a surface level -- several options for this change (preparation).  Tonight I pulled the trigger toward the action.

I can give a long list of justification for "why" it is so.  Instead, I'll save that for when I am feeling self-pity.  Over the last five months I have gained some weight.  I stopped exercising.  And I lack the energy I once had after about 4:00 PM.  I have had enough of this.

In addition to some spiritual guidance and holistic shepherding by a professional, I made a decision to use a product distributed by Advocare.  [No, I am not becoming a distributor who is about to ask you to buy something.]

I placed the order tonight.  And if I am completely honest with myself and others I will admit that a friend who is very involved in this company talked with me about these products over two years ago.  My interest was only luke warm.

Tomorrow I will be speaking to the Advocare consultant couple who will provide me with all the details I need about the 24-Day Challenge.

I have also reached out to two very motivating friends who work in the fitness industry hoping they will lend their support.

My intention in making this public is for accountability.  You know...if by this time next month you haven't heard me mention this.  Ask me about it.

Looking forward to a little Spark in my life.....

Lessons I Never Wanted to Learn

Many times I hear myself saying,  “everything is meant to be.”  Or “the struggles in my life have made me who I am.”  While engaging in some deep thought recently, I found myself saying that I have learned some lessons along the way that I never wanted to learn.  That is where I am today.  I am not whining.  I am not looking for a pep talk.  I am just processing. 

Here are the top five lessons I have learned, but never wanted to.

1.  Losing my father…..

Who wants to be without a father for nearly 20 years?  I sure didn't.  At 25 I was just emerging as an adult.  I was a bit of a later bloomer into adulthood.  I realize now that having an adult relationship with a parent is very different than an adult-child relationship.  I also wish he was here for my son to meet.  My son doesn't know it to be different, but I know he missed out on meeting a very special man. 

2.  Losing my mother to a stupid car accident. 

After going through such an ordeal battling cancer, I know I thought cancer would take her life.  Ultimately, I assume it played a huge role in her ability to recover.  And I even recently found myself telling someone the car wreck might have been a blessing.  Still, watching the woman I have seen as the strongest role model in my life suffer and eventually pass away was not something I could have even fathomed.  Not like that.  In less than two short months she will have been gone for three years.  I have never been the same since that day.  And I don't look to being the same.  I know there will always be a difference in me, as a result.  Her being in my life made me want to be a better person. 

At times I feel lost without her to turn to in flesh.  

I recognize I can’t want to be better for someone else.  And, my spiritual beliefs cause me to believe she is still part of my life.  Either way….I still never imagined learning that lesson.

3.  Divorcing.

I likely don’t have to elaborate on that one.  I married someone at 29 years old.  I wanted to be married and never imagined even considering divorce, much less following through.  I believe people should stay and work things out.  I also didn’t ever want my son to be from a divorced home.  Yet, here I am.

4.  Having my heart broken by the one person I thought never would.

How I stood back and allowed myself to fully and absolutely let someone in still surprises me.  I knew the risk.  That is what love is supposed to do, right?  And how do you ever really know the outcome?  No matter what another promises, they always have a choice in the matter.  Intentional or not, the pain is still deep.  And after doing many things I know to do in order to heal, I am not.  I miss him.  I wish it had turned out differently.  And while I know he is never ever coming back, even though I think he should, he isn't.  And moving forward is not something I have the instruction book for on this situation. 

I have the qualities and characteristics of a strong woman.  I planned for and learned all of the skills necessary to support myself.  I am independent.  It has taken me a great deal of that strength to fall on my knees and admit how much my heart was broken.  

5.  Ridding myself of a toxic relationship when I still love that person.

There are few times I have let someone go because it was best for me.  I am a long-termer when it comes to love.  However, over a period of time being hurt again and again, it was my decision to protect myself from being in the position of inevitable harm.  Many times I thought she might change.  Many times I believed in the value of the relationships.  Many times I had hope.  Over and again I was disappointed.  Others don’t change simply because I will them to.  Or because I beg them.  Self-preservation of my own health was my choice. I would not feed myself poison.  

Yes, I have learned from each experience.  Yes, I am strong because of each experience.  Yes, I might even have a better character after having worked through the experience.

No, I didn't want to learn the lessons in that way.

In order to end on a note of humor, perhaps, I will add a sixth thing I didn’t care to learn…..

6.  The impact gravity has on aging. 

NO IMAGE REQUIRED!

Lesson learned…..

How to Help Heal A Broken Heart How to Mend broken hearts

People may say no one ever died of a broken heart, but when you're suffering from one, it sure doesn't feel that way--at least initially. These suggestions may help you navigate the painfully troubled waters of a relationship that has ended and help you heal a broken heart.

I found this eHow article I wanted to share.  Perhaps, I am not alone in asking "HOW" when it comes to moving on.  Enjoy. 



Days 1 and 2

Breathe. All you can do is survive this first and difficult day. Take one day at a time. Give yourself permission to mourn. Call in sick at work, sleep all day, eat too much ice cream, sob.

Congratulate yourself for being human: It is only when you open yourself to love that your heart can break. Develop and repeat a helpful mantra to get you through the initial shock and pain, such as "This too shall pass" or "I will survive."

Reach out to a close friend or family member. It helps to share your thoughts with others. Watch a movie to distract yourself. Choose a comedy that has cheered you up in the past. Or watch a movie that's guaranteed to make you sob--it may surprise you how good that feels.


Month 1


Week 1: Force yourself to go out even if you are feeling despondent. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or go on a long walk. Express your emotions in a way that comes naturally. Write in a journal, paint, sculpt or play music. Do daily cardiovascular exercise--the endorphins will give your spirits an immediate lift. Resist the urge to call your ex. Instead, write a letter. Don't mail it. Go out of town for the weekend to distance yourself from the temptation to call your ex. Visit an old friend or go back home to your roots. A change of environment does wonders for the spirit. Put everything that reminds you of your ex in a box and seal it. Throw it away, donate it to charity or ask a friend to hold on to it indefinitely.

Week 2: Surround yourself with friends. This may mean reaching out to people you fell out of touch with during the relationship. Make lists to help you regain your confidence and identity: a list of your friends, of things you like, of what you want to accomplish in the next decade. Spoil yourself: Get a new hairstyle, have a spa day or go shopping. Resist the urge to call your ex.

Week 3: Assess the experience. Have you learned anything about yourself? Does the experience make you more empathetic to others who've suffered a hardship? Begin an activity that will fill your time, distract your mind and rebuild your confidence. Train for a marathon, take up yoga or learn a new language. Resist the urge to call your ex. Volunteer your time at a local homeless shelter, soup kitchen or tutoring center. It will take your mind off your own woes and keep your suffering in perspective.


Week 4: Continue regular socializing and exercising. While socializing, though, make sure you don't depend on alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Call your ex if you feel it would be helpful. Resist if you merely want to say hurtful things. Consider dating other people, but be wary of rebound relationships. Understand that you will need to experience and process sadness, anger, guilt and fear to fully heal. Burying or ignoring these emotions will thwart the healing process. Write, cry, share the feelings with friends.

Months 3 to 6


Force yourself to go on dates. You'll be surprised to discover that your heart can still flutter over someone. It's part of the healing process.

Consult a psychiatrist if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as lack of appetite, insomnia or too much sleeping, low self-esteem, and an inability to concentrate or carry out routine tasks. Ask a friend or physician to recommend one who is experienced in treating depression.

Remember that healing is a process that takes time. Expect waves of sadness, anger, guilt or fear even after you think you are over it. Give your heart time to heal.

One year and beyond


Compartmentalize the experience in your memory: "My heart was broken once. It really hurt and I'm glad it's over."

Reach out to your ex if you want to re-establish a friendship. Do not harbor secret ambitions of winning him or her back. You'll only set yourself up for another heartbreak.


Read more: How to Mend a Broken Heart
eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_116958_mend-broken-heart.html#ixzz26kK4SpZi

Happy Fall

We may not get all of the color changes in Texas, but we do get to enjoy cooler weather.  I love the feeling of fall.  It brings so many reminders.  Change....everything changes.  And life goes on in spite of the change. 

Is there anything you have been putting off until another day?  How about today?

I've got a few....

The Past

Have you ever wondered what life would be like had you gone down a different path?  I don't look back too much.  I even embrace the poor decisions in my past as something that has strengthened me. 

But I have been communicating with someone that was in my life 22 years ago.  And I have to admit it has crossed my mind how different my life would be today had I not lost contact with them along the way. 

One of the most positive things that has come of that communication is I have been able to see how much I have grown.  When I listened to them tell me things they saw in me back then I was amazed.  I didn't see those things then.  Not at all.  And I can see them today. 

I am grateful for my new found, old friend.

I am. 

Morning TV Glitch

I turn on morning television while getting ready each day.  I like to hear a little local weather, a few national current events, and even enjoy some of the little laughs.  Today I overheard a segment on “Getting Back to School Supplies at a Discount”.  Well, who wouldn’t want that?  Three weeks ago.

Now, I realize some students are just going back today and there are parts of the country that kids don’t board the big yellow bus until after Labor Day.  I get that.  However, this little tidbit reminded me of how often this has crossed my mind through the years.  You know…those little gripes that bog my mind down when I have nothing better to consider….

I celebrate Christmas.  I am certain most of you who do also celebrate on December 24 or 25ish….while I have attempted to store the “Christmas Crafting” ideas in the recesses of my mind since the 23^rd of last December….I don’t remember. 

Nor do I recall the perfect way to bake a turkey for Thanksgiving.  Nay, not I.  Likely due to the circumstance of that being shared with me the day BEFORE Thanksgiving.  Now, I know some people buy their goodies late in the game but this doesn’t work out for me.

I do, however, have a few Super Bowl Party ideas for the coming Big Day….Morning television shared those sporty little invitation ideas on the Friday before the game....which they must not have heard occurred two days later....Because YES, in addition to those invitations I would have wanted to make the football field sized cake.  

Carry on….

Park Rules

I love amusement parks, roller coasters and cotton candy. 

I’ve spent an average of one day a week at Six Flags Over Texas with my son this summer.  However, after coastering the day away at Six Flags – St. Louis, I am beginning to see a pattern. 

I have decided there needs to be a rulebook on amusement park etiquette.  And who better to write it than me?  I have been to parks more times than I can count.  And, let’s face it – if more people took my advice, the world would be closer to peace.  

Rule 1:  No cologne or perfume:  Seriously, it might have smelled great when you were leaving home this morning.  But at noon when it is wafting past three rows of park goers on the train that motors us around the perimeter of the excitement….not so much. Ease up.  

Rule 2:  No single-rider hands up past noon:  Okay, I love to put my hands in the air on every coaster.  It is a passion.  But I use deodorant.  Lots of it.  And I either sit beside someone I know well or alone.  If you feel so compelled to sit beside me, and, I understand you might, do not….ever….hold up your hands after you have been sweating in 100 degree heat for hours and smell like poo.  Just don’t.  It is rude.  And I can’t be held responsible for vomiting on you.  So, that may be several rules in one:  wear deodorant, sit by someone you know or alone, and if you don't do the previous...no pits.  

Rule 3:  No screwed up parenting in public:  Honestly, when huge crowds congregate to share the experience of hour-long lines in the heat what possesses particular parents to act like asses?  Discipline…okay.  But yelling at, demoralizing, or slapping your child in front of me does not make me think you are a great parent.  In fact, it causes me to want to smack the crap-o-la out of you.  I restrain myself.  But stop it. 

Rule 4:  No friendless folks allowed:  Here is the deal-e-o.  If you have a friend that loves you to pieces…send them a picture text of what you plan to wear to the park before you leave home.  And if you don’t have a friend, consider asking a stranger.  I stand with my mouth agape at some of the things I have seen worn.  And I don’t mean provocative clothing.  I mean clothing that is just inappropriate.  If you have gained fifty pounds in the last couple of years go ahead and buy that in a larger size.  It happens to the best of us.  I love high-self esteem.  But oogy isn’t a sign of self-esteem.  It is just...well, oogy.  

I will stop my rant now.  I am certain there is more...but I will divulge in tiny bites.  I will be traveling tomorrow but when I get to the Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois Tuesday morning I recommend all fall in line with the simple list I have presented.

Carry on.  

Great Quote

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Song Lyrics

"Goodbye"
By Avril Lavigne

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come

I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know
Always know
Always know that I love you so
I love you so
I love you so, oh

Goodbye brown eyes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye sunshine
Take care of yourself

I have to go
I have to go
I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know
Always know
Always know that I love you so
I love you so, oh
I love you so, oh

La lullaby
Distract me with your rhymes
La lullaby

La lullaby
Help me sleep tonight
La lullaby
(La lullaby, la lullaby)

I have to go (goodbye)
I have to go (lullaby)
I have to go (goodbye)
And leave you alone

But always know (goodbye)
Always know (brown eyes)
Always know (goodbye)
That I love you so

I love you so (goodbye lullaby)
I love you so, oh (goodbye)
I love you so (goodbye brown eyes)
I love you so (goodbye)
I love you so
I love you so

Goodbye brown eyes
Goodbye my love