Park Rules

I love amusement parks, roller coasters and cotton candy. 

I’ve spent an average of one day a week at Six Flags Over Texas with my son this summer.  However, after coastering the day away at Six Flags – St. Louis, I am beginning to see a pattern. 

I have decided there needs to be a rulebook on amusement park etiquette.  And who better to write it than me?  I have been to parks more times than I can count.  And, let’s face it – if more people took my advice, the world would be closer to peace.  

Rule 1:  No cologne or perfume:  Seriously, it might have smelled great when you were leaving home this morning.  But at noon when it is wafting past three rows of park goers on the train that motors us around the perimeter of the excitement….not so much. Ease up.  

Rule 2:  No single-rider hands up past noon:  Okay, I love to put my hands in the air on every coaster.  It is a passion.  But I use deodorant.  Lots of it.  And I either sit beside someone I know well or alone.  If you feel so compelled to sit beside me, and, I understand you might, do not….ever….hold up your hands after you have been sweating in 100 degree heat for hours and smell like poo.  Just don’t.  It is rude.  And I can’t be held responsible for vomiting on you.  So, that may be several rules in one:  wear deodorant, sit by someone you know or alone, and if you don't do the previous...no pits.  

Rule 3:  No screwed up parenting in public:  Honestly, when huge crowds congregate to share the experience of hour-long lines in the heat what possesses particular parents to act like asses?  Discipline…okay.  But yelling at, demoralizing, or slapping your child in front of me does not make me think you are a great parent.  In fact, it causes me to want to smack the crap-o-la out of you.  I restrain myself.  But stop it. 

Rule 4:  No friendless folks allowed:  Here is the deal-e-o.  If you have a friend that loves you to pieces…send them a picture text of what you plan to wear to the park before you leave home.  And if you don’t have a friend, consider asking a stranger.  I stand with my mouth agape at some of the things I have seen worn.  And I don’t mean provocative clothing.  I mean clothing that is just inappropriate.  If you have gained fifty pounds in the last couple of years go ahead and buy that in a larger size.  It happens to the best of us.  I love high-self esteem.  But oogy isn’t a sign of self-esteem.  It is just...well, oogy.  

I will stop my rant now.  I am certain there is more...but I will divulge in tiny bites.  I will be traveling tomorrow but when I get to the Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois Tuesday morning I recommend all fall in line with the simple list I have presented.

Carry on.