Mission Impossible?

Not at all!

Recently I have had a number of experiences that culminated in the thoughts I am having this morning. A few years ago I developed a personal and professional mission statement. Over time I streamlined it into three words: Live with authenticity.

During a number of conversations over the past two weeks I have been in discussion with people who use that word. Authenticity.

What does that mean? Perhaps, something different to each person, but for me authenticity means living out loud. It means that people see and get the same person. The best litmus test for knowing if I am living with authenticity would be that everyone I know and who knows me be together in the same room at the same time and I be unafraid.

Unafraid because I am only one person and I am consistently that person. Constantly, in the process of recovering my life and at the same time working in a profession that helps others recover, I have been met different ideas on how a person in this profession expresses their personal ideals, values, issues, and life. For me it has changed a great deal from the beginning until now. Which, feels precisely as it should.

Today I have no shame about the life I lived, the experiences I have had and the distance I have come. I do not regret all decisions and circumstance. I have learned much, especially from the struggles, that I would want it no other way. I have come to embrace my flaws as eagerly as my positive power, on most occasions.

I have taught students becoming counselors, spoken around the world to others in the profession, supervised interns and others. At one time in my life I might have believed that I needed to be a certain kind of person as a result. Possibly, worry about my appearance (and I don’t mean my hair), if you will. Saying the right things, doing the right things and being the right person at all times. I realize that because of these relationships people do look to me for advice and guidance and I greatly appreciate that kind of trust. However, never do I want to present an image of being perfect, having all answers or being anything more than fallible. In order to be the person I am I must live with authenticity in all of my relationships.

After a period of nearly three years of personal strife married to many conversations with other professionals related to our “helping profession” these thoughts came to me…..if the personal strife is exactly what we help others through, why on earth do we hold it against one another when “we” (helping professionals) go through it ourselves? From these thoughts I developed a workshop called The Biased Helper? Moving from Impaired Vision to Insight. While I am still gathering empirical data, most of this workshop is based on the BOP (Book of Paula). For those of you who don’t know….the BOP is what I call data I have gathered through personal experience rather than qualitative or quantitative data.

More to come…..

Candles

Today was productive. I got up early enough to do my usual Saturday cleaning, do the laundry (even folded, hung and put away) and make a real breakfast. Probably genetic, I feel a sense of great accomplishment when things are neat and tidy. The weather was just right for open windows. When windows are open and the house is clean I love to light candles. Again, probably something I picked up from my mom.

I’d bought three candles about two years ago because they smelled so good and they matched the colors in my bedroom perfectly. And I never lit them.

Today I lit them. My son saw them and said, “I thought you weren’t going to use those”. I thought I wasn’t either. But today I wondered what I was waiting on. Why do we so often put away our nice china only to be displayed in a cabinet? Or store other treasures where we can’t even enjoy them in our view?

I lit the candles and said out loud, “what am I waiting on? Someone to sell them in a garage sale for a quarter after I die?” And it was beautiful. And the smell was even more incredible than I remembered.

All lit up!

Links of Interest

I received this link in an email. I found it interesting.

http://www.mastersinhealthcare.com/blog/2011/25-addictions-you-didnt-know-existed/

They discuss pica disorders. Here is a link to the explanation of those: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/914765-overview

The show, "My Strange Addiction" has covered a number of these. You can go to the TLC website for this show here: http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/my-strange-addiction/

I hope this is useful!

My Peace Poem

Today I needed peace, so I sought it.

When my twisted, tangled outcries for relief went unanswered

And my tear-soaked eyes were tired and I, nearly dehydrated

Fell to the bed and begged for mercy

My mind rehashed the painful events

And I shouted out

As loud as I could muster….

Why?

And I thought and rethought through all of the drama

The trials, the pain, the pain

The soreness was relived

Not relieved

And I asked myself

And even others

When will this pain stop….

And I heard no answers

So I am allowed to stumble about

In my desolation

I am allowed because I created it

In my mind

In my thoughts

In my deeds

I shouted out again

Where is peace

Where is serenity

Where is love

And this morning you answered

You said

It is everywhere

It is within you

It is around you

And once more I asked

But this time

I whispered

How do I attain it

And your voice was

As clear as a Saturday in the spring….

In the house in Heidenheimer

Widows open and the leaves rustling outside

…..and you said to me…

You go get it

So I did

I miss you everyday but you are always in my heart and I hear your voice when I listen.

Eat, Pray, Love

Sometime ago I bought the book but this weekend watched the movie, Eat, Pray, Love. I never read the book but will now. I text a friend as the movie intro began and the character sat watching a book she had written come alive through an actor on stage. She was awestruck at the truth of her life. As was I. It felt as if another was telling my story.

The movie went on to touch issues at my core. On my 40^th birthday someone who was close to me at that time gave me a book and some feedback so similar to this movie…..the synergy of life was the message then. Also, the personal message about allowing people to enter into my life to teach me. He also gave me a simple suggestion to begin looking at people and meeting them as possible teachers in unpredictable places like book stores and coffee shops in order not to miss opportunities. While I have done that, I have a long way to grow.

There were many quotes I made notes about during the movie…..

“Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself”

“I don’t need easy, just not hard”

“God dwells within you, as you”

“You don’t need a man, you need a champion”

“Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life”

The last monologue in the movie spoke to me most.

“Something I call the physics of the quest, a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of quest physics goes something like this -- If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and conformity which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you along that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself then the truth will not be withheld from you”.

I will.

Bill

A bill that will be filed as early as this week by Rep. Elliot Naishtat, District 49 needs support. Until it is filed there is not a bill number, but I will update you as soon as it has one.

This was part of the points covered during the capital visits of 180 people yesterday. It would be a great benefit if everyone could contact their representatives and voice support for this bill. Most of these points were met with no contest during last session but the bill died on the calendar last session because of the stall tactics used at the time, fortunately, those are now no longer allowed.

The talking points in the bill that will directly impact the 4000 chemical dependency counselors and those we serve in Texas are:

1. Funding for LCDC Peer assistance program through license fees as was intended in previous legislation.

Chemical dependency counselors want to increase their relicensing fee nominally in order to support impaired peers to receive the same help we offer.

2. Eliminate the requirement that applicants for an LCDC license pass an oral examination to align Texas’ licensure requirements with International Certification & Reciprocity Consortium standards.

Currently LCDC applicants take both a written and an oral test that is cumbersome and costly. In order to keep requirements in Texas on the same page as international testing requirements and decrease logistical and financial hardships for individuals already underpaid.

3. Modify criminal history standards to address unintended consequences stemming from the passage of SB 155 in the 80^th legislature.

Prior to the passage of SB 155, Texas Department of State Health Services allowed applicants to register as a counselor intern when they were within two years of meeting the time restrictions for different categories of crimes. It would be beneficial if DSHS may, but do not require, the waiting period if the applicants are successfully in completion of the peer assistance program.

In Relation to....

In relationships, especially around Valentine’s Day and other gift giving holidays, it seems I hear people talking about what to get each other a lot.

I love giving. Don’t get me wrong. I see things all the time that I think, “so and so would love this” and I might get it for them. I get things for people I care about because I am a giver. When they cross my mind I send a text, an email, an old fashioned card or get them a gift. If I have extra money and I go to lunch with someone I care about I might even pick up the tab.

That is a characteristic I possess when I care. But, I don’t want my “doing” to be the reason a person wants to be a friend or lover.

So the thought went through my head today: Is who I am enough of a reason for you to be in my life? If everything I “did” for you ended today for some reason, would you still love me? If you didn’t get a card from me at Christmas or a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, would I be enough?

This thought causes me to turn inward and examine, as many of my thoughts do. Who is in my life today? Why do I love them? What do I expect from them beyond just being who they are? And if I do expect more from them than who they are…..is that fair?

Who are you? Is that enough?

Who Represents You?

If you have ever had a complaint but did nothing about it but complain.....change that today!

If there is something in government that you want to see different, contact your representatives today. If you live in Texas and don't know who represents you.....just go to this website and put in your address. You will know all you need to contact them and let your voice be heard!

http://www.house.state.tx.us/members/find-your-representative/

Speaking Wednesday

I will be speaking at the North Texas EAPA monthly luncheon on Wednesday, February 9, 2011. The networking begins around 11:30AM. The workshop is wrapped up by 1:00 PM.

Topic: The Biased Helper? The Trek Toward Insight

Location: 2700 Preston Road/Dallas, Texas 75230

This is the first time I will make this presentation....a new one very close to my heart. I hope to see a few friendly faces in the audience.

Japan 2011

This sweet street vendor handmade me a bracelet and necklace.

And took advantage of my tourist ways by completely overcharging me!

Great memories, though.

NAADAC News

Government Relations Update: Reps. Sullivan and Ryan to Co-Chair Congressional Addiction, Treatment and Recovery Caucus On January 24, Congressman John Sullivan (R-OK) and Congressman Tim Ryan (D-OH) announced they will serve as Co-Chairmen of the bipartisan Congressional Addiction, Treatment and Recovery Caucus in the 112th Congress. Additionally, Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack (R-CA) and Congressman Paul Tonko (D-NY ) have signed on to serve as vice co chairs of the caucus. The bipartisan Congressional Addiction, Treatment and Recovery Caucus was founded in 2004 by former Congressman Patrick Kenedy (D-RI) to serve as a groundbreaking forum to inform, educate and raise awareness about addiction and recovery and to increase legislative support for expanding access to care for people with addiction. Congressman John Sullivan offered the following statement: “I am proud to join my colleagues Reps. Ryan, Bono Mack and Tonko in announcing that we have officially registered the Congressional Addiction and Recovery Caucus for the 112th Congress. This is as important caucus to help put a public face on addiction issues facing our country. This caucus is especially important to Oklahoma as we have one of the highest rates of mental illness in America, with up to one-fourth of Oklahomans suffering from a mental health condition or addiction disorder. I look forward to working with my colleagues to raise awareness and advance public policies of importance to the addiction and mental health community.” Congressman Tim Ryan offered the following statement: “I look forward to working with my colleagues, especially John Sullivan, on this Caucus to advance legislation that’s mindful of a more rigorous system for not just treating addiction but also preventing it. In the most severe circumstances, history tells us that the way that these illnesses are treated and supervised must be reformed. I hope that the efforts of this Caucus will play a significant role in all aspects of the prevention, treatment and rehabilitation process.”

Not a Virgo!

I have been a Libra all of my life. All-of-my-life. Who is this telling me I now need to be a Virgo? It doesn’t even fit for me. I fully and wholly embrace the characteristics of Libra, even the “dark side”. I don’t want to be no stinkin’ Virgo. No offense to Virgos. Reasons I should remain Libra:

The symbol is a SCALE. If I don’t represent a scale, I don’t know who does. My emotions have been ruled by a scale since I was 9. There you go.

The positive side of Libra indicates that I am diplomatic and urbane
. Romantic and charming
. Easygoing and sociable. 
Idealistic and peaceable. Who doesn’t think I am urbane? And the dark side of Libra signifies I am indecisive and changeable. Gullible and easily influenced. Flirtatious and self-indulgent. I am. Maybe not. Yes, I am. See.

The Virgo, you might ask?

Well, the symbol is a VIRGIN. Okay, skip the comments.

The positive side of Virgo is Modest and shy
. Meticulous and reliable
. Practical and diligent
. Intelligent and analytical. Shy? Modest? Practical? What? No.

And the dark side? Fussy and a worrier. 
Overcritical and harsh. 
 Perfectionist and conservative. Okay, I am not conservative. Humph. I will accept a rising in Virgo or something, but I am not going to explain to the next single man I meet that I was born a Libra but became a Virgo in 2011. Does that require surgery, by the way?

See? Stubborn.

Relationship

So, I let the cat (so to speak) out of the bag on Facebook Tuesday night. By midday Wednesday I had received five congratulations calls. There is a new relationship in my life.

Much to the dismay of many, I assume, as I am a frequent “pro-no relationship” kind of girl.This relationship wasn’t my idea. It was my son’s idea. He’s been wanting this to happen for years. I have moved from being adamantly opposed to being open. Together we began the search to find the perfect match several months ago.

My apprehension? Why bring another into my home? Disrupt my even flow? To be tied down?To feed another? To clean up mess? And put up with smell? Yes, you heard me right. I said smell.

But he came home with us on Saturday after we met. Yes, we moved him right in. And I fell in love. Yes, love.

We now go for walks. We cuddle on the sofa. And believe it or not, I have even found myself talking like a baby to him. I know. Me, talking like a baby!

I leave in the morning with a promise to return. And I can’t wait to walk in the door to see him.To giggle when he does something “cute”. And he does so many cute things.

I’ve not given into kisses at this point, it seems too early in the relationship. But I do cuddle.

So, I want everyone to meet him. His name is Max. And I think he is adorable!

(I know I should not let him be seen in the cone of shame...but I cannot keep him to myself any longer!)

I am babbling about him. And even looking for pet friendly hotels for our future. I cannot believe I have a pet. This is my first. And I am completely head over heels for the little guy.

Amazingly, this is a real commitment!

Wonder Why?

There are times I can’t let it go.

Why?

A question that won’t be answered.

At least not in this lifetime.

But I find myself asking anyway.

Why?

What were you thinking, feeling?

Why?

Why that day?

Why that choice?

Why was the thing you were thinking, feeling enough that night?

Did you know how many people would cry?

Or was it just too much to think about?

Why?

I miss you.

So do so many others.

And many cannot stop wondering why.

A Decade Ago....

All of the days on the advent calendar have been pulled, the gifts have been exchanged, goodies baked and eaten, decorations put away, carols and auld lang syne have been sung. Now it is time to look at the year….And the decade. A lot can happen in a decade!

2000: I had been happily married for a little over a year and living a nearly fairy tale life in Germany. We spent Valentine’s Day in Paris and all was good in the world. In 2000 I visited the Czech Republic, Italy, France, Switzerland, Austria, Poland, The Netherlands, England, and Lichtenstein. In May I found out we were going to have a baby. In October I was excited to have a visit from my mom and both sisters. And I met a lot of great people from all over the world. I also began graduate school. 2000 was the first Christmas I did not spend with my family in Texas because our not so little bundle of joy was expected at anytime during the holidays.

What has changed in your life in the last decade?

Ten years......