Saturday

This is a very unusual day for me. My son is with his grandmother this week while he is on holiday from school. I am alone and cannot remember the last time I was. When I got home last night I realized how much I miss him. His laughter and chats are remarkable. I can't wait to get him home.

Today I saw the movie Charlie Wilson's War. It was eye opening. Then I went to Bath and Body Works. That store is becoming a favorite of mine. I love to smell everything in there. I got a gift card for Christmas so I used it on a few items I needed. Now I am at the library. Afterward I will go to the grocery then home. I am not sure what I will do when I get home but I hope to find something, as I have the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow I am taking a drive to a funeral about 200 miles from here. I don't like death. I know that life is preparing us for it, but that doesn't make me like it. It brings to mind the people I miss and the emptiness that is there when they leave.

When I get back to work and "regular life" after the first things will be fast-paced until the NOVA conference at the end of the month.

Enjoying and questioning the silence.

Happy New Year!

I am back from my Christmas travels. What an eventful time that was.

When we left on the 22ND we were on an interstate that had an earlier accident. It took us 9 hours to travel what usually only takes 4. We took a pit stop at a McDonald's and witnessed two kids who had been shoplifting next door being held at gun point inside. Whew.

We attended mass as we usually do on Christmas eve. I am so proud of all that my son has learned in his school. He can do the entire mass. He is even saying some of the Hail Mary prayer in Spanish now.

Christmas eve was at my brother and sister-in-law's house. My sister-in-law is a version of Martha Stewart and can whip up an outstanding party in a minute with a kernel of corn and a grain of rice. We had a great time there.

Santa came and brought my son everything he could have wanted.

Christmas day was with my dad's family at my mom's house. It is always too short but a lot of fun to see everyone. I made it back home without my son. He is staying a week with Grandmother. He is having fun.

Looking forward to my sister visiting tomorrow before she heads back to L.A. We will probably do a lot of "girl stuff"! That will be fun.

I look forward to 2008 being a great year. I am making plans for it to be.

Plan for great things.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

I have one appointment left at work and then the holiday celebrations can begin. As I have said so many times before, I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!

Today is my son's class Christmas party (and yes, we can say Christmas...he is in a Catholic school)! I can't wait to go to that. I love helping in his classroom.

We are going to pick up a few things at the $200.00 store afterward (that is what we call the mega-super-dooper-stores) to stuff in the stockings he is giving his friends in his class tomorrow. I am going to make a quick grocery store run so we can have a nice home cooked meal tonight after we stuff the stockings.

Saturday we are going to a Six Flags Holiday in the Park event. I can't imagine how cold it will be riding a roller coaster this time of the year. But, hey, I did it when I went to Disneyland Paris in February 2000!

Then the family fun begins. Christmas Eve is always at my brother's house with mom's family. Christmas Day is at mom's house with dad's family. I love tradition.

I am off to finish my shopping right now. I hope I have time before the class party to get it all done.

Have a very merry Christmas and hopefully I will get to say hello again before the new year.

Blessings.

Winter Wonderland

It is Christmastime!

Last week the weather changed to just below brr. My son and I wrapped up on Friday after he got out of school and went to the grand opening of a movie theatre in our area. We saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. Since it was the grand opening all the Chipmunks were there. I got some great photos of him with them. The entire town square was all decked out. Santa, a drummer girl, a winter princess, horse and carriage rides and even someone singing carols. It was a great night. When we got home we finished his nativity scene for school and snuggled under the covers with warm socks on!

On Saturday he went to his favorite play center while I finished up the shopping. I don't know why I thought Saturday was a good shopping day. When I got home and he gave up looking for the presents I bought him we wrapped a few and went to bed.

On Sunday the backyard was covered with frost. We baked brownies and had a lazy morning. In the afternoon we went to the big Opryland hotel near our house and spent four hours looking at the beautiful sights. We visited Santa (the third this year!), Mrs. Claus and the reindeer, a gingerbread house and all kinds of other holiday things. Last night we watched a Christmas cartoon before bed.

A great weekend.

Training

I just got back from Laredo. I did two days of training for a company there. It was great. I wasn't sure what to expect but I loved it. The company was great. It was a wonderful group of people and Laredo was much bigger than I thought. I even went across the boarder to Mexico and bought the little guy a sombrero.

Adios.

Go Spurs Go!

I just have to say...all my Mavs fan friends. This message is for you...and don't pretend you don't deserve it.

Okay, so, some of the things I heard PRE GAME yesterday were that the Mavs were going to "walk all over the Spurs"....that Tim Duncan being out was going to be a major set back. I think mention was even made that with Manu having a hurt hand we were in trouble. Hmmm....let's see. Who won? Was it a down to the buzzer, nail bitting game? HA. You see? Three time champions vs. Never been champions. Makes a difference.

And the bet my co-worker and I made this time is so much better than the last. Our bet this time was to put up a Christmas tree in the office decorated in the colors of the winning team. Oh, black and silver will be BEAUTIFUL.

There you have it.

Busy Days

Today I have a work related audit at the office. Although, they never seem as painful as my mind can make them, I don't look forward to them. I am ready today.

After work I am going to swing by the mall and see if I can pick the Christmas cheer up again. And perhaps, a few gifts, as well.

Friday will be devoted to doing the work I have not done while preparing for this audit.

Saturday I have to begin getting my things together for travel. Saturday afternoon I pick my California sister up at the airport and we head to watch our nephew play football. He is a senior in high school and his team in undefeated. They are playing the last game before the state game!

Since all the family will be there (both sisters, brother, nephews, mom, son, etc.) we are going to stay in the same hotel. On Sunday we will have breakfast together then make a run for it.

Sunday I will drive my sister back to the airport. I will drop her off and head for the other airport here to catch a flight myself. I am going to South Texas to do some training. I leave Sunday and will return Wednesday. I love training. That is something exciting to look forward to.

Adios.

Party Is Over

Party was fun. I made all the food myself. I am proud of that....but I am not signing up to replace Martha Stewart. The weather was so nice we sat around the pool. I am glad because on Sunday it got cold again and now we are having winter.

There are many changes coming in my life. I am sure I will write about them soon. Today I am just going to think a little more and pray a lot.

Enter Winter.

Friday

It is Friday. Yesterday is over.

I have heard that my cousins surgery went well. We will continue to pray for her.

Tomorrow is the holiday party I am hosting. I bought all the goodies last night. I look forward to pretending to be Martha Stewart; although, I had to call my sister just to ask where I could find something in the grocery store. Her comment was, "do you not ever go to the grocery store?". So, the secret is out. I don't go very often. But, I think I can pull it off. I am only making two things I haven't made in the past so it should work out.

We shall see.

A Day

Stress and feelings. They make me write. I am experiencing both today.

Being November 29. It is a day I would like to keep off the calendar. It produces memories that I can keep tucked away the rest of the year. The pain of death is difficult. Simply, I miss my dad.

A family member is in surgery right now. It is a long and serious surgery. It came out of the blue. I fear those situations.

Another family member is at a funeral of someone who took their own life. I question the way of the world. I question my own decisions.

The end of the day will soon come and I will rest.

I feel sad. Not hopeless.

November 29

My dad died on November 29, 1994. I guess that was the worst November 29, but they all bring back the memory.He was only 61.

He and mom just bought a house in the country and were re-doing it before they moved in. They waited their whole lives to move to the country. The last time I saw him I spent the weekend there with all my other siblings helping them work in the yard and get things done.

Then he was gone. He was at his deer lease that day. He loved it there.It was the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I had already bought his Christmas present. I still have it. That was 13 years ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday.

I miss so many things but I think the thing I miss the most is that he never knew my son. He loved being granddad and I know my son would have loved him so much. My son actually reminds me a lot him. He has the same sense of humor. It is almost like he channels my dad. Maybe he does. Maybe that is one of God's gifts to me.

My Memories on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving

It is my favorite time of the year. Thanksgiving is the gateway to the Christmas holiday in my world! Thanksgiving was uneventful yet eventful at the same time.

We stayed in town. On Thanksgiving day we went shopping and to a restaurant. Don't be sad for us. That is typical. I didn't really buy anything, just loved looking at everything. We even did yard work. My son enjoyed raking the leaves (really, he did)! We put up the Christmas lights. I did some in the backyard this year. I decided I wanted to look outside and enjoy them, too.

Friday was more window shopping and then I got to work on doing the errands around the house. I am planning a holiday party for some colleagues Saturday. My motivation to get things together is there but the follow through is difficult. I just kept wanting to sit down and eat pumpkin pie.

I even changed my car this weekend. I stayed in the Toyota family but changed the kind. I like this one better and it has better gas mileage. It feels safer and it is white, too...jut like I like. My son refers to it as the "new, new car". I told him not to get used to it because I might change my mind again and get another one next week. :)

My son and I finally got all the decorations put up last night. I enjoy that part the most. We turn on holiday music and take photos and remember where each ornament came from and things we did in the years before. We were missing a snowman that held a lot of memories for us. We decided to put him in some charity items this summer when we were cleaning. I regret that decision. We got him the first year we were in the house we built when we moved back from Germany. My son was learning to talk so he called him "go-man" instead of "snowman". The snowman was taller than him back then so he would wrestle around with him on the floor. We donated him because the house we are in now doesn't have as much space for decorations.

My son is sick today. The weather change got him! He didn't sleep all night. That means his mom didn't, either. Poor boy. He has to miss a day of school (and he doesn't want to) to go to the doctor.

Long eventful, uneventful weekend over.

Off Road

I looked up this morning and realized I had driven off the road. I wonder how long I have been off the road? Somewhere, a while back, I made a turn and didn't realize it. Sure there have been some bumps along the way and I have even had some major hits but I don't exactly when it happened. The path I have been on isn't exactly what I had planned. I have learned a lot from it. However, I am ready to put some of that knowledge into action instead of just missing the trees and the bigger bumps.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

I love the holiday season. I know it isn't even Thanksgiving, but I am already mesmerized by the Christmas decorations I am seeing in stores. I spent hours this weekend walking around in stores just looking at everything. There is something incredible and magical about this time of the year for me.

I find joy in giving, maybe that is part of it. I am also a Christian and love the traditions I have practiced all my life. I usually put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and don't take it down until the week of the New Year. Yep, I am "one of those people"....and I love it.

I even like to bake this time of the year. I love to get magazines and recipes and make things I have never made just to see if I can. Everyone arounds me gains weight this time of year because I take things I make everywhere I go. And I am usually the microwave person or queen of eating away from the house the rest of the year.

I think I am going to just go with this and enjoy it.

Ho, Ho, Ho....not Ho Hum.

Total Loss

My car was a total loss. My dream car, I might add. I wanted a white one since they started making them in 1994. Total loss.

Last week when I found out I sat about looking for a new one. When I decided that none would meet my needs I decided I would drive a hooptie and life would go on.

As soon as I decided that I could live without a car, I found a new car. It was exactly the price I wanted to pay (okay, that isn't true because it wasn't free). It was the color I wanted and it gets great gas mileage. I feel like I am saving the environment; although, there have already been comments about it looking like a wind up toy. :)

And the dealer said the words I longed to hear.....warranty. Ahhhh.

P.S. Go Spurs Go, Beat the Mavs.

Sports Update

This Saturday is the last game of soccer for the season for my son. He has enjoyed this year and done better with each game. He had a great coach and really liked his team. This weekend we are going to check out a new facility for indoor sports in our area. Gymnastics and karate have been recommended for coordination and agility. We will see.

On the pro basketball front the Spurs are looking good. And my tickets to the Mavs vs. Spurs game are secure for one week from today. Look out Mavs fans....I am on my way. My friend, Tammye is going to the game with me. She likes the Mavs. We already have an agreement that we are going to represent our teams. I wonder if this means face painting?

Photos to come!

Reconnecting

The past year has been a reconnecting for me. I have grown closer to my oldest sister than I ever have been before. I have gotten in touch with an old friend from high school, I have been emailing with a family member. Sometimes in my struggle to move forward I need to stop and remember the past.

Most of the connections have been as a result of some kind of painful event, really. A reaching out on one of our parts. Today I am grateful that I have people to reach out to and even more grateful that people think of me as a person to reach for.

I have so much gratitude today. So much more than I ever have before in my life. It is good to feel so much positive when there is so much negative going on around me.

The cup is half full.

Big God/Little Me

This is not new information. It isn't even new to me; but, just this week I have been reminded of how big God is. I have been in a situation that I could not imagine working my way out of. I had pulled out all the stops. I had plumbed the depths of my soul looking for answers and I was empty. I was out of ideas and out of the drive to move forward when out of no where....a miracle.

A miracle I would have never even thought of myself. The phone rang and I was presented an opportunity that I never would have dreamed up on my own. This isn't out of the box thinking....but out of the universe thinking. God has those ideas and I am a believer that they can be brought into my world just when the time is right if I am open to them.

The time is right.

The Good, The Bad, The Party!

Whew. It is over!

What an eventful few days. I have a little bit of unsolicited advice...never speak the words, "what else can happen next?" because you might find out!

Thursday morning while driving my son to school I had a traffic accident. I haven't done that since high school. I hit someone from behind; therefore, it is was my fault. I don't like the word fault. It causes me to begin making excuses and I turn blue because I feel oxygen deprived. Everyone was okay, though. My sweet child is so easy going and so understanding. After the shock of the accident was over he just said, "well, I guess I am going to be tardy"! I have had a lot of stiffness and headaches but otherwise, we are great.

Then the weekend came along. This was the "BIG WEEKEND" my family has been planning for months. It was my oldest sisters 50th birthday and we had a surprise party for her. Wow...have I wanted to talk about it! It has been so much fun planning and executing. My part wasn't that hard, really...but being very fearful of slipping up was difficult. But it went off without a hitch.

Friday my son and I went to my mom's house. My sister's were already there. We met my sister-in-law for some undercover operation then had lunch with my sisters and mom. Then we all headed to my nephews football game. He is a senior and an incredible player. His team won....still undefeated. I haven't been to a high school football game in years and I LOVED IT.

Saturday when the "operation" went into high gear my job was to entertain sis all day. She is the black belt shopper and we had so much fun. Since part of the little lie was getting her back to Texas by telling her I was accepting an award (for being an incredible woman, of course) on Sunday she wanted to treat me to a shopping spree so I would have plenty of outfits to pick from on Sunday. I loved them all....she bought them....I felt bittersweet knowing that I loved the clothes but had no award to accept on Sunday. Ouch.

When it finally came time to drive her to the party I was a little nervous. When we arrived I knew we had pulled it off (or that she is in the right place up in those Hollywood Hills because she is the best actress around!). She was so surprised....and even more surprised to find out that we were sending her to Italy to fulfill her dream of going back there on her 50th birthday.

So many people that I don't see often enough were at the party. Unfortunately, that setting isn't a great place to have a lot of detailed conversations so I didn't get to say as much or engage as much as I would have liked to...but I enjoyed seeing them, none the less.

And I finally met the famous Demitri. He works with the USA Olympic Luge Team. The company my sister owns is one of their sponsors so she has been fortunate enough to know him a while. He was incredible. He could run a country! I know I will be seeing him again in the future....at a world cup or at the olympics...I don't know where but he is a keeper!

I love my family. They are unique. They are wonderful.

Happy 50th, Sis.

Passion

What causes someone to misplace their passion? I hear so many people in the helping profession talk about burning out. I hear people use words like "hate" and "sick and tired" when describing their job.

It has become my passion to help people who burn out and help others keep from burning out. I remember the first time I knew I wanted to be in the counseling field. I was in second grade (no kidding)...but am very aware that I was prepared for it much earlier. I don't know of a time in my life that I haven't experienced a great need for introspection.

I love this work. I cannot imagine doing anything else. Do I get tired? Do I feel overwhelmed? Do I find some days full of more work than hours? Yes, yes, yes.

But I hope to never lose this passion for helping others. I think the chance to get to do this work is so worthwhile.

There is a great meditation I found more than ten years ago in a meditation book put out by a treatment center that is no longer around that I keep taped to my desk....

"I need to remember that my ability to counsel others is God's gift to me. Others are helped, but it must also be essentially my blessing. I am in a privileged position -- to see a spark of hope, a breakthrough in denial, some real tough honesty. Recovery. It is truly my blessing. Today I ask to be worthy of my gift."

On Fire, Not burning out.

Contentment

What a weekend! My son's soccer game was great. He is learning a lot of new skills. Then we did a few chores and then went to our favorite book store. He had his very first visit with an author and a signed book. He has read it and had me read it to him many times since then.

I got an old book by Mo'Nique called, Skinny Women Are Evil. I read a couple of chapters but it is more like stand up comedy than anything that interests me. I also got the new Kelly Clarkson CD. That I like a lot.

Then off to Six Flags we went for Fright Fest. We rode a few roller coasters and ran around a lot. My boy is a fabulous kiddo. No matter what we do we have fun together.

I had a conversation with a very wise friend this morning. He told me about contentment being "an inside job". I have been milling that over since. Our discussion also involved another thought that I had not had before.....contentment and happiness aren't the same. Hmmmm.

Much to think about on a rainy Monday.

Working Out!

Well, I am back at it. I am working out again. This is very exciting to me. I love to do it but find as many excuses as possible to avoid it. It makes me feel so good!! I got my gear together and am back with an ipod in my ear and my mind on nothing for an hour.....I have a little trouble walking right now because I am only two days into the routine....but I know the possibilities that lie ahead and look forward to them with great anticipation.

Sweatin' to Ozzy.

Weekend in LA

I am back from a three day weekend in Los Angeles. Wow, it was quick. On Thursday my sis and I decided that I would fly out there with my son and spend the weekend with her. We had lots of fun. What a great birthday gift!

We spent time on the beach, in Hollywood, at La Brea Tar Pits....and shopping...shopping...shopping. My sister has a black belt in shopping. We had a lot of fun.

The time there reminded me of why I have always wanted to live there. Now the bug is in my son to get back there again soon. He loves the beach as much as I do. He is a natural in the water. I still attribute that to my sitting in the ocean in Italy when I was pregnant and too huge to move. He loved it then, too.

And when we touched down in Dallas I was back to my life....back to my reality.

I wish they all could be California days....

October

October 1. This is fall, right? A little warm here still...but the colors in the mall are changing! :) I am ready to plant some mums and get some pumpkins. I asked my son what he wanted to dress up as on Halloween and he wants to be a skeleton this year. That sounds like fun.

This weekend I attended a banquet for the local chapter of TAAP (Texas Association of Addiction Professionals). September was recovery month. It was fun. I haven't danced in a while. Now my time and and attention professionally can be focused on the January NOVA conference.

At the end of the week I will have a birthday. I seem to get contemplative when approaching a birthday. All in all it has been a great year. There have been enormous mountains to climb and I don't always like that part. But I can see the lessons I have learned. I guess that is what life is all about.

Happy Fall.

Monday, Monday

Oh, what a great weekend.....we stayed in town! I miss that. And my home computer is broken so I did absolutely nothing related to work or conference planning.

Friday I saw a play at a local theatre.....The effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds. It was pretty good for a small, local theatre.

Saturday we had soccer. It was really hot out but the team did better than last weekend. My boy is getting some of the skills down. He can really kick it....and is working on his stopping and dribbling skills right now.

Saturday evening we hung out and watched some movies.....I even took a nap and cooked several times! Wow. My boy and I did one of our favorite things-- we went looking at new homes being built near our house. We have so much fun doing that.

And Sunday it was still warm enough that he was able to swim while I did some yard work.

This morning he told me he thinks he is old enough to go to Hawaii now. For several years he has wanted to go but I have always told him how long the flight is. This morning he told me it was time to start planning a trip! I love that little guy.

Relaxed.

News From DC

This is the email I received from our DC voices!

Dear Recovery Advocates,

Thank you to everyone who called--or tried to call--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday for National Parity Call-in Day. The event was a huge success, so much so that its organizers had to hire additional operators and eventually shut down the lines early. I apologize to everyone who tried to call in but was not able to get through because of the volume. In total, over 1,000 people spoke with Speaker Pelosi's staff, passing along the message that Americans are ready for HR 1424 now.

Yesterday was historic not only for the overwhelming success of Call-in Day, but also because the Senate passed its version of the parity bill, S.558 , the Mental Health Parity Act. This will put even more pressure on Speaker Pelosi to bring HR 1424 before the House of Representatives for a vote. Once both the Senate and House pass their bills, they must compromise on any differences between the two versions, and only then the bills can become law.

The Health Subcommittee of the House of Representatives' Committee on Ways and Means will be "marking up" (offering amendments) to HR 1424 this morning. This will bring HR 1424 one step closer to passing in the House.
These are exciting times! Your advocacy and support make successes like these possible.

All the best,

Website

I have had some articles from my book published in the Recovery Today newspaper. Take a look at them at www.recoverytoday.net. It is a great newspaper.

More NBA

I realize two posts in a row about the NBA proves my problem. But, again, I am not going to change it! :)

I get to go to LA in December to watch the Spurs play. I am so excited about that. My sister lives out there and I have been wanting to get out to see her anyway. This is perfect. My sis, the beach and the Spurs? Kill me now.

Burning for Basketball!

Sports

I can smell the NBA season. One month until some pre-season action begins. My name is Paula and I am addicted to basketball. But I will live with that today. Right now I am counting down the days to the pre-season SPURS whipping up on the Mavs game here in Dallas in October. My seat is secured but I don't know if I will make it out of the arena....I plan to go in full Spurs gear. Hee hee.

My son started soccer practice and has his first game this week. He loves soccer. I love watching him but sometimes my competetive nature comes up....and that is in conflict with my nurturing mother side.

You should live in this head.

VISION!

Imagine this!

Random Monday Thoughts

Well, school is underway for my boy. He didn't want me to walk him to class on his first day. I let him go alone. Although; it almost broke my heart, I attempted to allow his independence. But, this morning I think I was blind sided with a little fact of his growing up. He left his water bottle in the car so I called to him but he didn't hear me. I just whipped into a parking space and caught up with him to give it to him. I assumed he would be grateful since it is so hot and it was water, blah, blah, blah. But that isn't the experience we had. He was EMBARRASSED! He was embarrassed because I caught up with him while he was with his friends. Oh, I felt sad. He is six and a half and I gave birth to him (all ten and a half pounds of him!) and I am actually pretty cool. Oh, my. I have made him this way, you know. All this independent thinking and feeling. Oh, the woes of self-actualized thinking :)

I can't cope.

Workshops

I did two last week. One Friday and another on Saturday. Very different subjects with very different audiences. I presented ethics to current counselors and support staff at a treatment center on Friday. Saturday was a women's conference at a church near Dallas. I presented the basics of addiction. I enjoyed both.

Today I think the reality of back to school time is setting in. Today we go to buy school uniforms. One week of summer left. It is funny that I have been in school myself all summer but really feel the sting of the back to school time most when my little fellow is getting ready to go back.

Back to school blues.

Hurt Feelings

I hurt a friend today. I don't like when I do that. My feelings were hurt, I acted inappropriately. I hurt her and I wish I wouldn't have. We were able to talk about it and she says she will be okay, but I still regret my part. The more I live and grow the fewer times I hurt people because I try to live without that intention...but when it happens I think I feel worse than I did when I hurt people a lot.

Sad.

Summer....don't end!

Wow. Summer is coming to an end. Not in weather, but in time out for my boy. He will start back to school in less than two weeks. It has gone by so quickly. I feel that we haven't had enough time to do everything we wanted. But, he is ready. We get to meet his teacher next week. I look forward to seeing all the parents and finding out who is in his class this year.

Our trip to California will have to be a fall trip instead of a summer one. Time just went by so quickly...and with the illnesses that took place in the family, we adjusted some of our plans. Summer or fall, our trip to California will be fun. It is always a great place to visit no matter the season. I have been in spring, summer and fall and have loved all of the trips.

I was very busy last week. I had two speaking engagements. I enjoyed both of them. I don't usually get tired when I do those. I think that is how passion is.

This week I will put more thought into my vision board and contact the person editing my book. As the end of the week nears I will make my way to Austin for a meeting and some time visiting the family.

Mourning the passing of summer.

Roads

I am thinking of all the roads I have walked along. It seems that the ones where I have learned the most have had steep inclines, bumps and sometimes ended in heartache. I wonder why lessons are learned most affectively when injured on the path? Pain is such a motivator.

Back from Institute

Wow, what a quick trip. I left here for the Institute on Monday night at 9 PM and returned home last night (Tuesday) at 10 PM.

The people I met at the conference were great. I saw some folks I hadn't seen in a long time. I enjoyed doing my presentation.

Now, back to the office today. Then me and my boy are off to San Antonio Thursday afternoon. His three cousins are having a swim party for their birthday and he can't wait to get there.

Let the healing begin.

My Mom

Yesterday my mom went to the hospital with chest pains. Today she had a few procedures. It seems she has something similar to what my niece was first diagnosed with. What an exhausting and emotional 24 hours.

It seems we have been having a lot of these things happen lately. First my niece, then my sister-in-law in a really bad car accident. Now my mom.

I have stopped and thought about my life a lot lately. I love my family so much. I feel so blessed to have had the life I have lived and the friends and family I have. The journey sometimes feels long but it is such a short one, actually. Sometimes too short.

My dad was only alive 61 years. That is less than half of the time I have already been alive. Today I wonder....is there anything left unsaid? Anything left undone? Unaccomplished? With every breath I want the answer to be a resounding NO. I want to live life without regret.

Carp Diam.

Sick of Feedback.

I want to take a break from feedback today. I am sick of hearing so many people tell me how I should handle my affairs. I am certian they are concerned and feel that what they are telling me is in my best interest, yada, yada, yada. But today I am not in the mood. I want to remain open to significant people in my life but some of them are sick.

It reminds me of when I was pregnant and everyone thought they should tell me something about their pregnancy. Even better were the ones that gave me advice who had no children. Ha. I know I can learn something from everyone but it makes my blood boil when people think the only way you can make progress is by doing it their way.

Dr. Phil always says to look at a person's agenda when they offer you advice. I guess that is part of what I need to do.

Digging my heels in.

Friday, Friday, Friday!

Yippee. It is Friday. I am often off on Friday in the summertime; however, this week I am in CEU's. So, I even "work" tomorrow. Time away from my son. I don't like that part. Otherwise, the CEU's have been going well.

In one week I will be at the yearly family gathering at the camp we have been going to since before I was born. We get a great big cabin across from the pool and natural spring. You can see the mountains and river out the windows. I really enjoy it. All the kids love getting together and playing until they can't run anymore. The fresh air and family are just what I need right now. And one great thing about the location is that no cell phones work there. Oh, yeah!

TGIF?

Sick Baby

My little man is sick today. I have been up with him since 3:30 AM. I don't like how helpless I feel when he is sick and I can't make it any better. He usually just wants me close to him. That's how I still feel when I don't feel well. I just want my mom close by. I guess that never goes away.

Going back to cuddle my lil' guy.

Bad Day?

Phew! What a day. What a week. Car trouble, AC trouble, too much to do, too little time. I am ready for midnight so it can be over.

Tired!

I can die happy!

Okay, it is official. I can die happy. I am presenting at a conference the last week of July/first week of August that has been a leading conference in the addictions field in Texas since I got in the field 15 years ago. But that isn't the "die happy" news. Claudia Black, Delbert Boone and Carlton Erikson are presenting at the same conference. Okay, now I am having an anxiety attack.

Whew.

July 1 Already!

It is so hard to believe it is July. That sounds cliche, but it is true. The summer is flying by. My little pumpkin is with his grandmother right now. I saw him this weekend and he is having fun. They are busy doing "country stuff". He has gone to a peach orchard, helped make jelly, gotten veggies from the garden and is feeding the birds and squirrels. He assured me he loves me and misses me even though he is having fun with grandmother. He knows exactly what his mother needs!

I went to San Antonio again this weekend. This time I was keynote speaker for a drug court. It went well. The co-worker that went with me said I did well...but I didn't have that "out of the ballpark feeling" I sometimes get when I think I do well. I was a little nervous, which is very unusual. But, that is okay.

I like this time of the summer. I would like if it would stop raining long enough to have a swim once in a while. But, I know the bigger picture with rain in our part of the world. I know the more it rains the less likely we will have a drought and be in the triple digits for days on end.

Always reasons for the rain.

Workshop Complete

I just got home from the state conference in San Antonio. I presented at a difficult time. It was the last class before dinner. It was also pushed back from a late running earlier speaker. That made a few people a little difficult to deal with in the workshop; however, I enjoyed myself.

In addition to the conference I got to see a lot of family members. I enjoyed a night on my own...sleeping sideways in the bed! But the next night got to witness my sister taking three of our neices and my boy swimming. Then we all stayed in the hotel room. What fun it was.

Now my little dumpling is staying a few nights with his grandmother. The house isn't the same without him here. So, here I am, up at 10:45PM watching David Letterman. Of course, it doesn't hurt that my big dumpling, Tony Parker is going to be on tonight!

Needing a Siesta after San Antonio.

Class Complete!

I am waiting on the grade from my last class to be posted. Right now I have an A. I am just waiting on the score for one more thing to find out the final grade. I have 5 more classes left now. That is so close. The degree will be a Master's in General Psychology. I keep toying with the idea of changing it to a Master's in Counseling....but that would require changing schools and probably more course work. I don't mind the work. I learn so much and enjoy it a lot....but I need to wrap this up with a pretty little bow. It has been a goal for so long I think it is time to see it to fruition. If I want the Master's in counseling after this one in psychology then I can get it. Why not? I have two Associates Degrees and two Bachelor's Degrees. Why not two Graduate?

Overachiever?

CLEAN SWEEP!

Well, it is over. The Spurs won the championship last night with a clean sweep 4-0 victory over the Cavs. I am so happy. And my man, Tony Parker, was the MVP. Sweet. So now they have 4 titles. I was there the year they won the first! This time I only made a few of the out of town playoff games but boy did it feel like I was there last night. Sunday is the parade. I cannot make that, either. But when I visit San Antonio later this month I know I will get t-shirts and video tapes galore! What a season. What a win. Beautiful.

Now, if I could just talk Tony Parker out of marrying Eva Longoria....that would be a great season.

Go Spurs Go!

Amusing!

I spent the day at the local amusement park. My son is a maniac. He loves roller coasters as much as I do. He rode one with two loops THREE times in a row. He doesn't stop. As soon as we walked in the door (and I didn't think I could make one more step) he was already asking to go swimming. If I had just a bit of that energy!

Amused.

Summer is here!

For me, summer has officially arrived. I went swimming today. I worked in the flower beds and got hot enough to jump in! I am glad. When summer is in swing, life seems a little more fun, a little more peaceful, a little slower.

I even made homemade icecream...and ate some of it....without looking at the calorie content. Great day. Great summer.

And tonight is game two of the NBA finals. Hoping for another Spurs victory. Wouldn't that make for a "perfect" weekend?

Sunshine.

My Little Man

Well, Kindergarten is over. My baby is a first grader now. He told me he appreciates me calling him that, too. So, instead of calling him his name I refer to him as "the first grader".

We had a fun time the last full week of school. He had something special each day. A movie day with popcorn, a show and tell day where he took he electronic dog, a favorite game day where he took chinese checkers. He also had field day. I took lots of photos of that!

The last day he attended church service with his class and then I joined him in the classroom to say goodbye to his friends and teacher. He had the best teacher! I am so glad. I was so fearful of sending him off to school and she made it great. He can read and write and pray like a pro. An amazing year. So many transformations.

A mother of a first grader.

You Go Spurs!

Oh, yeah. They won game five last night. And now they are the Western Conference CHAMPS! Yeah! My sis called today to tell me the finals schedule. We just have to wait to see if it will be Detroit or Cleaveland that they will be playing. I don't know that there is much in either of those towns to see...except my Spurs.

Go Spurs Go!

No Jazz, Just Blues!

Well, I went to Utah yesterday and came back this evening. The Spurs lost game 3. They haven't beat Utah at their arena in about 16 playoff games. That is the bad news. They will play again tomorrow night and hopefully they can turn that around. Then the series goes back to San Antonio...where I am sure they will do well.

The good news is that me and my two sisters had a great time in Salt Lake City. We haven't had a girls only trip with the three of us since we went to Boston in 2003! We laughed so hard I nearly cried. I like sisters. They are great friends.

We stayed a couple blocks from the arena and our hotel was hosting a "gamers conference".....the folks who play games that become so real to them they begin dressing up in the costumes....yeah, that was interesting. I have never seen so many intersting people in one place. The kind of conferences I go to may not amuse them, either, I am afraid.

But between the gamers, our usual silly thoughts and the talk on Utah's multiple wife marriage ideas we had a lot of things to talk about!

Live long and prosper!

My Lil' Story Book

Well, it is done. I have finished my little book of stories. I finally got all of the short stories I have written over the years into one program on one disc and on one computer. I put it all together this morning and I am going to send it to a proof reader. It ended up being about 40 pages. Because of that I might add some graphics or some of my poetry.

I changed the name to Sobering Thoughts. It seemed to fit. I am a little nervous and a little excited. My life in print. EEEEKKKK. If all goes well I might have a sample print to take with me when I speak at the graduation in June.

A writer.

And All That Jazz!

I am bound for Utah on Saturday. I will be meeting my sisters there to cheer on our Spurs in game number three. I am hoping for a third win and on the way to a clean sweep.

Go Spurs Go.

Goooooooooooo Spurs!

Half time in game two vs. Utah. Spurs ahead. Looking good. Oh, I hope I will be in Utah this weekend. I guess I will live if I am not. But, boy am I going to have to be in Detroit or Cleaveland for the finals.

Go Spurs.

GO Spurs GO!

Good job. Two down! Only two to go. Tony Parker is looking better everyday....and his game isn't that bad, either.

Love Always

I found out this morning that my niece is in the hospital. We were really close at one time in our lives. She grew up next door to me. She actually introduced me to my husband. I am very scared for her and very sad. She is a vibrant woman with three beautiful little girls. She is only 30. I pray she will be well soon and on her way to 100% recovery. I just saw her last weekend when they visited from San Antonio. For anyone who prays, please keep her on your list.

An update: She is home and doing well. The problem was corrected with surgery. I saw her last weekend when I went to San Antonio and she is in good spirits. One question I ask myself, though is: why does it take something tragic to realize how valuable the little things are?

PJ

A word to the Spurs

I love you and all....but we have to win Saturday. I have planned my schedule around the games this season. That includes a trip to a game in round three. You have to be there for that to happen. I don't want to go all that way to see the Phoenix Suns play. Timmy can't do it all on his own...so Manu, Tony, Finley....get it together and make me a happy fan.

And a word for Golden State, I would like round three to be in San Fran instead of Utah...it is much prettier there this time of the year, so if by some miracle you could make it happen, too...that would be beautiful.

Go Spurs Go!

Super Saturday!

I love Saturday. I sleep until 7 AM...and that is late in my world. I love the smell of Saturday. My son usually wakes me up by asking if he can watch cartoons. Of course he can. I make him breakfast then start getting ready. We always have something to do on a Saturday. Today is a birthday party for a schoolmate of his. Afterward we are meeting for lunch with some family who are in from San Antonio. This evening if the weather stays great I will stretch out on a lounge chair and watch him swim.

Tomorrow I have a crack-o-dawn flight. I am meeting my sister in Arizona for the day. We are going to watch our favorite NBA team play there. I am excited. I love NBA playoff time of the year.

Have a super Saturday.

The Void

There is an empty space.
It has been there longer than I.
I try to fill it
but it will not die.

I have given it many things
to go away and never come again.
But it never ceases to amaze me
how that empty space will win.

It takes away my power
and leaves me with such pain.
I promise to take care of it
as soon as I can sustain.

The horror of the truth
that left the empty space.
The real person living under there
that doesn't have a face.

Not Inspirational

Today I have no inspiring thoughts. I feel beat down. Sometimes I get into a funk and have a hard time pulling myself through. Sometimes I just plow through whatever life brings and I am okay. Today is one of the hard times. I am humbled by being human. I am human. I have to remind myself of that often. I try to inspire people so often that I forget to allow myself moments of pain, confussion and times without an answer. That is where I am today. I have some decisions to make that will be painful. I have some sadness that I need to deal with. I have been avoiding it long enough. So, big hug to me....I am ready to go.

The Truth Hurts!

I have been challenged by someone who cares about me to be a better person. I care so much about my emotional and spiritual well being. Today I was challenged to take better care of my physical self. I do an alright job, but not the best I can. I don't eat sugar, I avoid a lot of breads and drink plenty of water. But what about exercise? And what about the fact that I work far too much? I appreciate someone who can be honest with me about what they see. At least that is what I say in every lecture I give. It sometimes hurts...but I am going to pay attention....and will report back to myself soon on the action that I followed it up with.

FUN

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese from the trap.
9. Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My Hair

So, I saw my stylist Friday. I got the same color and cut as last time. I am ready for something different. I don't know what I want but I want something drastic. When I am looking for big hair changes...like flames down the side of my head...big changes...I know something isn't right inside of me. I wonder what is going on that makes me think something real different will make me feel real different. It would be nice to stop thinking like a counselor for a few seconds.

How do you feel about that?

Alone

Have you ever just wanted to be alone? I am with people so much (and enjoy it a majority of the time). Yesterday I had an overwhelming desire to be alone and be quiet. I wanted to listen to that still, small voice inside that directs me. So I was. I am still listening. I am still here.

Alone.

That Pound

You know I hate that pound. It never matters if is gained or lost...but it controls me. I hate it. If I get on the scale and it is gone...wow! What a day. But if it is there...or gained....well, that sets the mood for my day, too. That stinking pound.

Paula

MAYA ANGELOU

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

P.S. I am changing!

I feel driven today. I feel motivated and I am moving forward. I want to step away from the people in my life that hold me back. I don't want the negative force of those that lack motivation. Maybe this is my goodbye note to them. I need to break free of the boundaries in my own mind, but first I have to let the literal boundaries go. Negative, negative, negative....

Therapy

Therapy is great. I love it. I wonder why going to therapy is often met by resistance? So many folks seem to think something must be wrong with a person if they go to therapy. My secret? I think something is wrong with the ones who don't go! :)_

I know a wonderful therapist....he has a great website. Look at it at www.haroldduncan.com.

Great week.

Ready For The Week.

What a busy past seven days. I went and came back from DC. I went and came back from visiting my sisters. I also took my son to stay with his grandmother for a few days. Tomorrow will be a busy Monday at work.

My son got his first couple of NBA player signatures. I think he is hooked. He enjoyed every minute of it.

During some of my travel time I read the book, Running With Scissors. It caused me to be amazed that any of us ever recover. And the fact that those of us who make the needed changes are actually leaps and bounds ahead of "normal" society...well, it is truly amazing. We are so lucky. I am so lucky.

Happy Sunday.

My Week in DC

I am in Washington, DC this week with NAADAC.
I have heard that some people are natural advocates and some are not. I now disagree. I believe an advocate was inside of me all along but it caught fire while at this conference. I knew I was in this field to help those suffering from the disease of addiction, but learning what I can do for us to continue to provide those services has been eye opening.
When I used to look at small budgets, mini salaries and insurance red tape I used to think it was just going to be that way and I would just have to get used to it. NO MORE. I have a voice. WE HAVE A VOICE. It is time to speak!
I am on my way to the hill today to share my thoughts with those who represent us in Texas. What are you going to do today to ensure we are able to continue to provide services? Not everyone can come to DC. But, I challenge you to begin brain storming what you can do. If you have a passion for our profession.....get involved just a little more than you are today. If you don't attend TAAP meetings-Start. If you aren't a member-Become one. If you haven't been to Austin for legislative advocacy-Make plans today to go next year. If you want to stand beside me on the hill next year......let's talk!

It's the weekend!

Saturday night already. Tomorrow I leave for DC. Hope I get to see a friend of mine I haven't seen since moving back from Germany. But, the trip is mostly business so I am not sure.

Made it to two NBA games this week. Looking forward to the out of town game next weekend and doing some fun (not business) stuff for a few days.

Ciao.

Never Enough

Yesterday was good. Not a typical Monday. I got a lot of work taken care of. My sister flew in from out of town. We enjoyed third row tickets to an NBA game compliments of a friend of hers that is involved in the NBA. My sis and I talked a lot about the condition of our lives. We (and our other two siblings) are all business owners. We are all driven and motivated to constantly take on new challenges, etc. But the question I keep asking myself is, "will the next accomplishment be enough?". We enjoyed our talk and we had fun at the game. The TV camera only caught us when we had popcorn in our mouth, of course. It was good to laugh and allow some simple fun to be enough...at least for today.

Adios

Very Busy Weekend!

I left Friday before 7 AM for a conference about three and a half hours from here. I stayed the night and didn't get home until after 8 PM last night. I am tired today. I have a lot to take care of today because tomorrow is a big day at work and I am going to an NBA game tomorrow night...then in one week I am leaving for Washington, DC. I will be there about four days. When I arrive back home I will only be here two days before leaving again. At least this time it will be for some fun. My will be on spring break and I am taking him to visit family....and that will include another NBA game for me!

Ciao.

What a Day!

Wow. What a day. Actually, a few days. Busy, difficult....etc.

My son says, today is "Big Fat Tuesday" and we can do anything we want today. Unfortunately, I did a lot of things I didn't want to do but needed to do. Maybe that is part of being grown up?

Tomorrow is the beginning of lent and I don't want to give anything up. Not even the bad stuff. :(

Paula

First Time...

My first post....yeah! What a wonderful thing the blog is, huh? A place that I can write anything I want...hee hee hee....almost as good as therapy? Except the part about everyone else being able to read it? PHG