Quote

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't coma back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

Where I Stood

Once in a while when I cannot find the words, songs already written contain them.

I will provide this video clip as my post today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlTlZy3nkDA

Lost

That is where I am.


I'll be back to write soon.


If you see me out there, send me in the right direction.

Co-Dependent again

The stuff I read about codependency in the 90’s really mucked me up. Don’t get me wrong, I needed it then, no doubt. And I don’t regret learning to take care of myself and be independent. Maybe I just overlearned it. I went from a meek care-taker to being an independent, shout it from the roof tops, woman who needed no one.

And some of that mess stuck too hard.

While I value the knowledge that I don’t need anyone and can make it on my own, I now have to remind myself (yes, sometimes out loud) that it is okay to want someone. I found myself front-loading disclaimers this weekend when talking to a girlfriend. “I know this doesn’t sound healthy to independent women but….”

I know I am healthier than I have ever been. I have to re-program myself. Damn you co-dependent bashers.

I find myself questioning my own sanity when I do things to make someone else happy. If I decide not to attend an event in order to go somewhere with someone I care about I think, “Is this healthy”? “Is this codependent”? Goodness gracious. It just is. Wanting to make someone happy when you care about them isn’t the end of the world. I do know the difference between putting another person before me when it is harmful and putting another person before me in order to compromise.


Maybe the pendulum is swinging back to the center. I am not the center of the universe. I can compromise. And giving is a beautiful thing.

I smiled today thinking back to the 90's. One of the most independent women I knew back then looked into my eyes and told me one day I was going to be a mom. I shrugged. She told me I could play independent roaring woman all I wanted but I was cut out for a committed relationship with a man, a home, and children. I poo-poo'd the idea of domestic bliss. Guess what I learned over spring break? I love staying home, cleaning, cooking and running errands.

Now I need therapy to undo all the therapy.

Love Crazy Love

I watched the movie, Crazy Love today. It was sad. A man and woman fell in love. They were from different countries. Because of a visa issue they had to spend time apart.

During that time instead of growing closer by talking through their feelings, they allowed distance and fear to drive a wedge between them.

The love was so passionate. Neither were happy with anyone else. But when a time came that they were able to be together, too much had been left unsaid. Too much time had passed and too much hurt filled their hearts.

Yes, it was only a movie. But not far from a reality I've seen and even experienced. We can get through anything if we can just keep our hearts, ears and mouths open.

Love isn't crazy.

The Cowtown

11:15 AM Friday

Picking up the packet for The Cowtown 5K that is tomorrow. I’m checking out the place to arrive in the morning and where the starting line will be. I am glad I came by today. I would have been nervous if I didn’t know all of this in the morning.

7:00 PM Friday

I had hoped to go to sleep early tonight but I am taking my Sonshine to a party. I will be here until after 9:00 PM.

Race Day

2:00 AM

I just had a great phone call from T. He's an inspiration for me in fitness. We talked almost an hour. I feel very encouraged!

4:00 AM

I am awake. Ugh.

5:00 AM

I am awake again. Not yet. It isn’t time.

5:45AM

I’m awake again. Okay. Going with it.

6:00 AM

I am convinced I left my ear warmer thingy in Austin last weekend. I'll just use the cat burglar hat. My head is gonna sweat. Oh, well. Sweat means I'm working. Have to pee. Nervous!

6:05 AM

I am just going to go. Too nervous. Who cares if I feel cute? I feel anxious, excited! Let's do this!

7:00 AM

Just arrived. Have to pee. Cool. The vendors are selling Ear warmer things. Hope they've got pink. Pink makes me feel girly. I have to pee.

7:30 AM

Starting in 45 minutes. Really nervous. So many people here. Maybe excited more than nervous? I need to pee again! :0 Found a pink ear warmer thingy. What a cool saying!

7:41 AM

Everyone is stretching inside. I guess I should, too? Oh brother. They're doing half marathons. I'm doing a 5k. Oh well....stretching. Yes, I need to pee.

7:45 AM

Excitement is moving from inside to outside. I'll join them. Why did I do this by myself again? Oh, that's right. I have something to accomplish. It's mental and emotional. Not physical. I don't have to pee. I wish my Sonshine was here.

8:00 AM

Standing in the line to begin. So much excitement around. Everyone looks normal. Few bionic types in this part of the line. I can do this. I don't want to be with the fast runners. But ahead of the walkers. I'm going to be alright. My nose is running. The cold doesn't help. No worries. I don't have to pee. But I gotta run!

8:15 AM

(I am not writing as I go, of course, this will be from memory)

The gun apparently sounded. I didn’t hear it from where I’d positioned myself. I wanted to be in the middle. Not with the fastest starters but not with the walkers. When everyone started moving, so did I.

I looked at my clock as soon as I crossed over the starting line. I knew the chip I had on my shoe would get my time but I was watching for something else. I started running. I had my ear buds in but no music on. I could hear all the cheering. The adrenaline I felt from the crowd of runners and those cheering pushed me to run farther than I ever had before beginning to walk. I timed it. Wow. I did that. And I am doing it.

We walked through a beautiful neighborhood. I didn’t want to miss anything so I took time to notice some of the beautiful homes. But I also noticed that everyone was moving at a different pace. I also took note of the fact that I wasn’t over-invested in anyone around me. I was in this race. Just me. This was a race against myself.

Passing the one-mile marker was great. I remembered from the elevation the first mile was mostly uphill. Great. So I started to run again.

Now, I learned a valuable lesson during mile 2. I used a little talcum powder before the race. That is a real "doughn't" for the future.

The rest of the race was a time for thinking. With each step I took I could feel my life moving forward. I was leaving some of the past behind. And I was moving headlong into the future. One that I will own.

9:11 AM

After crossing the finish line, I sent this text message to someone who probably understands where I am better than anyone, "I finished. I'm in a port-a-pottie weeping. I had no idea how emotional this would be".

I had no idea I would be as emotionally impacted by that 5K. I go 3 miles on the treadmill or around the park several times a week. I didn't know how paying $30, getting a T-shirt, a bib number and doing it with 5000 other people possibly make it different. It did.

I wasn't a skinny, athletic kid who gained weight as I got older. I was always a chubby kid. Sometimes I still fall when I walk. Even though basketball is my favorite sport, I can't play.

I was out to do something to me today. Being alone was the best situation for the Cowtown 2012. This was about proving something to myself. And I did. But I am not finished. I still have miles to go.

I finished. And I even finished ahead of many. I even have the chip number to verify that.

Goodbye

Coke Zero,

Here is the thing. I have to let you go. Don't get mad. It isn't you. It's me. Well, it really is you. You aren't good for me. And we need to spend some time apart. Just Lent. I may or not bring you back into my life on Easter.

Don't think I don't love you. I do. I love you too much. I just can't think of that right now. Really. My request is that you not bother me. Please. Don't even enter my mind. It is a headache. Literally.

Sweet sacrifice.

Conversation Hearts

Valentine’s Day 1998 was, without a doubt, the most bitter of all. I was 28. I wasn’t married and had no prospects. I wanted a baby. Doing that without a husband wasn’t in the cards. Love had not only escaped my grasp but love had not even given me a drive by. I hadn't realized how hostile I was until sitting at the half-time festivities of a San Antonio Spurs game. A couple was getting married. The Coyote was officiating. That makes me giggle now. Back then I recall yelling ugly things like, “Don’t do it”! at the happy couple. Yes, that was me. Obnoxious jilted girl, party of one.

Since 1998 I was married and have a wonderful son. The marriage was exactly what I needed at the time. Even if we aren’t together anymore, it was a wonderful gift of experience.

In the years since 1998 I have learned many valuable lessons. First, I realized how small my world was at that time. I also realized love does exist but must first exist inside of myself.

Cliché, I know. But it is true. Cynicism is ugly. Sarcasm is hurtful. Becoming broad-minded to the ideas of others, open to my self-growth, and looking for happiness in countless ways (instead of just romance) has created a kind of peace and contentment inside that cannot be described. But can be seen.

I do have love. I do have romance. I do have intimacy. I do have all of the joys that life can bring. If only I can go back and have a face-to-face with that broken girl from 1998……

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone.

Thrown Away

As if it's been thrown away

Hopes and dreams

My soul

feels crumbled up and discarded

By the same one who promised to treat me gently if I let him in

And he did

for so long

Then the moment came when I was without barrier

And said those sweet words

of love and forever

That's when he decided

I might not be enough

Admitting I may never be

Causing my worst fear to come forward

And there is nothing I can do

Nothing I can say

To change my value in his eyes

He wants me to believe the words he shared were real

Only days before deciding I may never make him happy

He spoke words of love, longing and lifetime

Suddenly without warning he stole them all back

And my heart is breaking

My heart is lying on the floor in a pool of tears

I keep asking the same questions only to have them unanswered

I am screaming out

"HOW DID WE GO FROM THAT MAGICAL PLACE....THAT PLACE OF BLISS AND FOREVER to here"?

Overnight

and "WHY, OH GOD, EXPLAIN WHY DID HE HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN THAT ROAD WHERE I FINALLY TRUSTED WITHOUT QUESTION only to break my heart into little pieces"?

Fighting the reaffirmation that I can't believe in men

That nothing lasts forever

And that I will never be enough......

The Optimist's Creed

I need this today. I hope you like it, too.....

by Christian D. Larson

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Echoes From the Past

Echoes from the past

I held my breath when he told me "we need to talk"...

I hold my breath each time anyone tells me "we need to talk"....

Because....

Of fear

Of past talks

Of the urgency to run

Of the knowing

...truly knowing

Even when it's only a lie I continue to tell myself....

That he's going to say

It's over

It's not working

It's not enough

You're not enough

You'll never be enough

No you'll never be enough

Enough

And I create pain to feel

When it's not even rational

Or true

But that's not what he says

Not this time

Not last time

Not anytime

It's just me in my head hearing echoes from the past

01-05-2012

PHG

Love

I saw this image on one of my favorite facebook pages (http://www.facebook.com/MyExceptionalLiving) and I started thinking....What holds us back from the expression of love when it's human nature to possess? What is the reason so many people guard against the one thing we all long for? Fear is the common denominator I hear in conversation. Excuses not to love, be loved or express love sound like a symphony of angst, a cacophony of trepidation: "I'll never let anyone in again", "I'll never forgive her", "I'm not going to be hurt again in this lifetime", "If I say it and he doesn't say it back I'll be embarrassed", "What if I say it and they break my heart later"? No doubt these are rational thoughts. Haven't we all had them from time to time? But to live in them? To what end? Loneliness, bitterness, baggage and walls? We keep people at bay believing we are protecting ourselves but in the long run aren't we really losing out? I'm not talking about running amuck, taking what I can get when it's given. I'm talking about real, pure, grown-up expression and demonstrations of a feeling coming from inside. This is my personal decision: This time around I'm not going to hold love hostage. I'm going to, with consideration of others hearts, say the things I'd like to say each day, even when I'm afraid of sending out unreturned emotion. This is life. My one and only life. If I've got passion, warmth and love in my heart, my commitment is to express it freely, without expectation. Regardless of what comes back, at the end of the day I want to lay my head down knowing you never had to wonder if I loved you. I do.

Decisions, Transitions, and Peace

If someone in my life could grow with confrontation and feedback, why would I choose to refrain?

So many reasons…..but those most important to the decision I have made to remove myself emotionally instead of continue to engage is simply for the protection of my own serenity and mental health.

The decision did not come easily and, on occasion, I can find myself emotionally in that toxic space again. I am thankful it is no longer daily. Some of the transitions I had to make in order to reach the decision of self-preservation were paradigm shifts in my thinking and beliefs. While difficult during engagement, they have proven to be the right decisions for the outcome I desired: Peace.

There are times I wish I had the ability to provide the feedback to the person because I see their life spiraling out of control and their circle of support diminishing. However, I must rely on the information and experience I have with these attempts. None in the past have worked. Many, including myself, have given them feedback and approached them in genuine concern and love only to be meet with aggression and resistance. On most occasions these attempts are then held against the concerned party and eventually vented back in rage and venomous attacks. While that belligerent behavior is one of the many things that cause people great concern, apparently, it will continue to work as the defense mechanism for this individual to stay sick and stuck. Who wants to be attacked when they go to a person in genuine worry and concern?

I do care about this person. I do not hold resentments. I have let go. My wish for them may never come true. I had hoped they would see their own faults and become responsible for them…and change and stay changed. But I understand my journey and theirs are not the same. I know how freeing it is to take responsibility, in word and deed, for my actions. Today that has to be enough.

Prayerful and Peaceful

Just Write Something

I have slacked in my writing lately. So I am following the simple directions of several fellow bloggers. Just write something.

It is the holiday season.....

In the past few weeks I have put up my Christmas tree then put it up again. The dear little thing fell over in the middle of the night. I lost a few ornaments. But this one remains intact. And it is a favorite.

This year I have attempted to bring a festive mood back to this time of the year for my son's sake. And I see that he is talking about his grandmother a lot more. This is our first year with Max, our dog. My Sonshine even bought him a stocking to hang on the mantel. I love his spirit of giving. He is a lot like his grandmother. That reminds me she will be with us always.

My commitment to myself (and you) is to write more often. Even if only a little.

Happy Holidays.

Fall in College

In the fall of 1992 I was a junior at The University of North Texas. I moved to Denton from San Antonio, where I was attending UTSA, the school I wanted to attend. Why did I move? A man.

He was a drug user and often abusive. In October of 1992 I decided to leave. My family drove to Denton and packed a Uhaul with my belongings and took me back to Central Texas. At the time I thought I might die from brokenness. Interestingly, that was probably when I began some of the most incredible growth of my life.

I had the guts to face demons, live without an unhealthy relationship and redefine what I wanted in my life.

Nearly twenty years later I am walking around the same campus, in a much different role. And I see things that look familiar but feel no feelings that look the same. I have so much gratitude for the person I have become in those twenty years. So grateful for making that decision. Because this is a month of Thanksgiving, I thought I would remind myself that even, or especially, during times of struggle I have grown.

Thanks.