Be Strong....

How many times do people tell grieving people to ‘be strong’? And why is one supposed to ‘be strong’? Are we supposed to stop the feelings? Is it inappropriate or unhealthy to show our emotion when something happens that will forever change our world? I think not. Perhaps, the truth is that the one saying to another to ‘be strong’ is unsure of exactly what to say but they want to say something. Or maybe that person saying ‘be strong’ cannot, themselves, handle the sadness and their hope is that the one expressing sorrow will stop so they don’t have to face their own. Finally, maybe the one saying ‘be strong’ has been told the same phrase and they just say it thinking it is the right thing to say.

Each person has their own process. If I learned nothing else throughout the two years my mother had cancer I have learned that profoundly.

Because I had been so offended at a time when grieving and felt I was “falling apart” then being met with what I can only assume were meant as words of encouragement from a friend, “Be strong”….I looked up the dictionary definition of the word. After finding many descriptions of physical strength, I found one related to emotion on dictionary.com: “…of great force, effectiveness, potency, or cogency; compelling….”

Alas, I have found it. Evidence, perhaps, a definition that clarifies the stirring in my mind and the sadness in my heart when I hear someone tell another to be strong or keep their chin up when their heart is breaking. The strongest thing I imagine a person to do when hurting is to feel….whenever they feel it and however they feel it….that is what being strong is, in my humble opinion.

I encourage others, and in turn encourage myself, to “be strong” by moving through and experiencing each emotion – whatever those emotions are. Go through the process. Do not avoid it by looking "strong" for others.

Be strong….

Lifehouse - You and Me [With Lyrics]

Quote

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi

TAAP

In San Antonio, Texas for the State conference of the Texas Association of Addiction Professionals. I am not a fan of telling people what they "should" or "need" to do; however, allow me this opportunity once.

If you are not a member of TAAP and you work in the Addiction field.....you "should" or "need" to be involved in this organization. They are huge supporters of the work we do. They advocate legislatively on your behalf even if you aren't a member....why not support them?

Come to the conference today....it runs through Saturday. Or log onto www.taap.org to take a look at all they do.

You should....

Fractured

For a while I attempted to pinpoint the exact event or situation that caused the collapse. However, after much investigation I realized it was not and seldom ever is one particular event that causes a breakdown. Instead, much like a dam burst, the falling apart is the catastrophic event that brings the attention to the many occasions strength is worn away.

I then turned to the other why, which I often do. For some reason, as unreasonable as it is, I believe if I understand the logic I can fix something and make it unbreakable. The question of why I asked was, why didn’t it look like a complete decay of self, if that, in fact, is what I was facing. The reason, I concluded, is that it wasn’t as much as it was.

I previously believed that I would have felt fraudulent had I been pretending. Had I been masquerading as someone I wasn’t surely I would have felt that. The truth, for me, is that there was no deceit. I simply did not know that my soul was stretching inside of me. Therefore; when the dam burst it was simply my core escaping the comfort of the authenticity that satisfied me. In order to continue becoming the person I am meant to be, it was unavoidable that my world cave in. My soul exploded outside of who I had become pushing me toward who I was really supposed to be.

I subscribe to the idea that my strengths are often my weakness. Oftentimes, my ability to perform under pressure pays off but this time I believe it contributed to the surprise I faced when I realized that life had thrown a few curve balls. I was filling out a questionnaire for a doctor’s appointment. The questions were simple. In the last 36 months have you experienced any of the following:

Change in marital status?
Major illness of self or loved one?
Job change?
Financial status change?
Moved?
Change in educational status?
Death of loved one?

Seriously? There wasn’t one question I could say “no” to.

Two and a half years ago my husband and I separated. I am not fond of discussing it, but it is part of my reality. Within a month of him moving my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Our separation led to my need to sell my business and take another job. Within only six months of taking that job I was approached by a company to become Executive Director of their new agency. I took it. My financial status was positively impacted for a time, as a result. Because of several items aforementioned, I moved from a house I loved into a much smaller space. I completed my graduate degree and began a doctoral program. I turned 40 (that was not a question on the survey but as a woman turning 40, I suggest it be added)! My son also changed schools. Toward the end of last year following a visit to my mother’s house she was in a serious car accident that took her life sixteen days after an ICU stay. The company I took the position with closed relatively unexpectedly upon my return from mom’s funeral.

Although, I don’t like excuses, my breakdown can easily be explained.

The series of events has actually brought richness to my life that has been astounding. I have developed relationships with people that I would not have previously sought. Relationships that needed to be eradicated have been so organically. And the remaining relationships have been enhanced. My ability to disguise my pain was impossible. And that was the way the universe gained my attention.

The following months stirred my soul into the direction of uncovering who I really wanted to be and exactly what I truly wanted to do. The experience has been remarkably freeing. Recovering the person inside is rarely pretty. It is lonely and painful. It is extreme and scary. But I knew I had to be willing to be ugly in order to become beautiful and more of who I was meant to be.....

This story to be continued…..

It is what it is - Lifehouse - Smoke and Mirrors - with Lyrics

I was in a reflective mood this evening so I sat about reading some blog entries of old.......ten months ago I wrote about some goals I wanted to accomplish so I decided to copy and paste that entry and hold myself accountable. It felt only the right thing to do after having given a two hour lecture just today related to believing we should all live by a code of ethics, have integrity in our actions by actually living that code and being accountable for this behavior to at least one other person. So....here goes the accountability portion:

"From August 31, 2009.....Using a journal by an author recommended by a friend and purchased used on Amazon.com – yes, someone sold a “used” journal…too bad they didn’t do all the emotional work for me, as well – I wandered down a new road today. This road of emotional growth is a lifelong journey that seems for me to be best digested in small bites. The very first entry was simply to chose what words I would like to use to describe myself, either words that are who I am or words that I want to be who I am. I have to tell you that seemed easy enough but I had to analyze the exact nature of the content that I decided on to be an equal balance of both who I am and who I am becoming.

My first insight into what I find to be a growing problem for me. I jokingly call it obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am certain there is much more to it than that. Darn it! I had hoped there might be medication to fix it instead of more internal investigation.Back to the list. Who I am or want to be described only in one word choices: Dreamer, Rare, Spectacular, Energized, Wise, Avatar. The next step was to look into my heart -- the authors intent here, I questioned, was simply to illicit tears but I moved forward any way – and discover what I wanted in my life right now.

Okay, simple, I believe:

To be the best mom I can be. While I believe I do well....I believe there is still room for improvement......

To complete my doctorate degree before I am 45 (I gave myself some room on this one so I could have a break down in the event I needed one)! I am not 45 yet and I am still enrolled in a doctoral program......and I won't discount that progress by throwing in the fact that I am just completing the first course for the second time.....or maybe I will.....

Add a few additional chapters to my book and finally publish it. Here I have faltered. Instead of adding to a nearly complete book I have diverted from that and began writing a personal growth curriculum with another person.....I have actually felt that I have grown a great deal through that process so I don't feel this is a goal unaccomplished as much as one with an asterisk or addition made....

Speak more frequently (and for my friends and family who are already irritated by incessant verbalizing, when I say speak I mean “workshops” not just conversation). Check, check, check and check. No excuses. Done. And still doing......

Lose 20 pounds. Seriously, did you think there would be a list that I wrote that didn’t include weight loss? Even when I weigh 33 pounds I will probably want to get that last 3 off! I am actually not sure. I have lost weight....but since August I had also gained weight. Perhaps, I should monitor this situation more closely in the future. :) .....

Have plastic surgery. I know. It isn’t a goal you might expect from someone who has a personal mission statement to “live with authenticity” but we don’t have time today to delve into the mystery of that issue. I haven't done it. But, I haven't changed my mind about the desire, either......

Find 10 things in the DFW area I have not already done with my son and do them this year. We have done a few new things. 1. Visited the Great Wolf Lodge instead of the Gaylord at Christmastime. 2. Looked at Christmas lights in our own neighborhood. 3. Went to the Nutcracker. and this weekend we are going to 4. Kaboom Town!......

Create a new tradition with my son. Can I count any of those things I just listed in the last goal? Hmmm....tradition? I baked a lot of stuff at Christmas with him this year for the first time....does that count?

Go back to Hawaii and take my son this time. There is a chance this might happen at Thanksgiving.....but the specific location may be altered.....

Take my son to Germany to see where he was born. Still a desire.....

I also added a few career goals that are specific to the agency where I work that would either make no sense to you or bore you. Or perhaps, there are ideas there that I don’t want you to implement at your facility first! Paranoia? Another issue for me to dog ear for future insights. Those goals specific to that agency changed when the agency closed in November 2009......

Dream on, my friends."

And life began to change...

Many times throughout my career I have been asked how I got into the helping field. Today someone asked again. I think my answer has been similar throughout the years but to be honest, I don't really always know. I am here because I am supposed to be. That is the only answer that feels right.

When I was 19 years old and still searching for my place in the world I was in treatment for 41 days. How I ended up there is a long story. But, the bottom line is that people were running out of answers for how to deal with me. And had I ever had any answers of my own for how to deal with myself, I did not have access to them. At that time I was flunking out of community college as a theatre major....and you needn't tell me how difficult of a task it is to flunk theatre....I pulled it off! After completing the treatment program it was suggested by one of the counselors that I might enjoy going to college to become a counselor. Why not? So, I went. And life began to change.

I was better when I packed my stuff and went out of town for college than I was before treatment, but I wasn't good. I wasn't even mediocre. I was still unhealthy. I will still struggling. I still had very few answers. But, I went to college. And I did well. I had the best GPA I had ever had in my life. And if you knew me in high school or in theatre, that isn't saying much. I graduated from that program in 1991 and moved to a four year university. A bad relationship and few answers, in tow. And life began to change.

In some insane moment of clarity, with the help of my family, I left the bad relationship one horrid night. And life began to change.

Six months after leaving with all my worldly possessions in a u-haul I applied for a job in a treatment center and was hired. I would love to say that my personal growth had developed so quickly that I exuded role model; however, that would be a lie. I was still unhealthy, still involved in drunkenness and still searching for myself. And life began to change.

Six months after beginning work as a counselor I stopped drinking completely. I realize that not drinking was paramount in my change but I also know that the journey began long before that day.....each event, each change, each action, each reaction, each decision....life changed.

And one day I woke up with a long-term career, the mother of a wonderful son, an education, and a full, rich, soul searching heart of wisdom. Because life began to change....and I embraced it.

Each day is an opportunity of growth for me. Each situation is an opportunity for me to learn more about my purpose. And I suppose I could look back to the second grade when I first announced I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Or I could remember how profound an impact that particular counselor had on me in high school. Maybe it was some special movie I saw when I was growing up. The honest answer is simple: I do this because I am supposed to.

What are you supposed to be doing?

Isn't it Funny?

The lessons I learn....and the ones that I have to learn again because obviously I either liked the experience so much the first time I wanted the bliss of re-learning (or re-experiencing).....or maybe I forgot the lesson so I had to go back and re-take the course? Or maybe I am just an idiot?

I am in the process of re-learning a lesson right now related to relationships. The good, the bad, and the sexy. Why do I do it? The sexy.

Off I go into the wild blue yonder.....

For Good Lyrics

Weekend Visit

I believe each day impacts the next. And I accept as true the idea that I am constantly becoming. However, it seems that the last twelve to twenty months have had a profound impact on great lessons for me. In the last few months those lessons have become profoundly clear.

I spent some time recently with someone I have not seen in years. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw her was shortly after I delivered my son, who turned nine in January. I left Europe and she stayed there. She came to the states about three years ago and we finally got together this weekend. I have had many email and phone conversations with her while we have been apart. Nonetheless, I found it amazing how our friendship is so strong that even after nine years of not seeing one another we picked up as though we had never been away. I described her to someone a short time ago as being like a sister. That was exactly how it was. Immediately, the connection was there again. Having friendships are paramount. Having trust in another woman, with my deepest, darkest pieces…..that is beyond any I can have. I learn about myself through interactions with women who I trust implicitly. And, bluntly, there are just not that many I bank on. I am truly grateful to her.

During and since our visit I realized so much about the past, the future, friends and lovers. What a wonderful litmus test this meeting was for exactly how much I have changed. Dramatically I have changed. And for the better…..what a reward.

As the past two years have been about change and much loss it occurred to me how I once viewed loss as a process of letting go. I don’t see loss or moving on as that anymore. I now realize how every person I have loved, every experience I have had…even those that hurt deeply…..are with me always.

Thanks my friend!

Camping Results!

I did it. I have a real photo of us actually camping….outside….in a tent, in a sleeping bag, with bears. And I am forever grateful for the nudge to do something I have never done. How can I tell my son “never say never” if I say it? Many months of lessons continued while camping. It is amazing the lessons one can learn in nature.




Lesson One: Connecting and not connecting is important! Not having cell phones, facebook and blogs is not so bad. While, I was able to check intermittently while in the car roaming in and out of spots I had a few bars, the majority of the time was spent being present. Presence is a goal I strive for. It is more easily had when the distractions are eliminated.



Lesson Two: Family is vital! Don’t let another seven years pass without seeing family. We were in North Carolina, home of many Garland’s. It was wonderful to see my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nephew. Too much time has passed but it seemed that we picked up right where we left off. They are still so loving, accepting and genuine. It was wonderful to have them camp with us one night.



Lesson Three: Protecting your baby is okay! Mama bear and this mama bear have a lot in common. There really are black bears in the mountains of North Cackalaki! We saw a mama bear and her three bear cubs. And the mama bear would have eaten me if I considered looking at her cubs cross ways.

Lesson Four: Nature is wonderous! If I ever questioned the idea of a power greater than myself on occasion…..being in the mountains removed all doubt.



Lesson Five: You only live once! I slid down a waterfall because I wasn’t sure if I would ever be in that exact place with that exact opportunity again in my life. It was cold, I didn’t have clothes to change into and I don’t think I really wanted to do it at first (gauged by the fact that I climbed the waterfall and walked down the first time without sliding after I felt how cold it was!)….but I did it anyway….and I am a better person for having the experience.




Lesson Six: Many great stories and memories occur after dark sitting around a campfire.


Lesson Seven: Never, ever, no matter what….pee in the woods in the middle of the night with your socks on.


A Natural Woman!

Camping, really!

It is going to happen. I am going camping with “the boys”. My son said the magic phrase that make this mediocre Catholic cringe and give in, “I really want you to, but would understand if you don’t”. Okay, Okay. I give. I am going.

They called yesterday to tell me they were buying me a sleeping bag. I sure am looking forward to seeing it. I have a vision in my head of it being pink, bedazzled and fuzzy. I am sure I won’t be disappointed!

These are the times I am grateful for permanent cosmetics and cute hats. I asked that I be allowed to have some choice in the campground. Is it too much to ask for one with a pool, electricity and showers….I didn’t even verbalize my desire for a spa. I will have to look through my clothing tonight and see if I have anything to match this adventure. I know I have hiking boots. I wore them last time I was roughing it. Of course, the last time I was trudging through snow on the city sidewalks of Washington, DC…but seriously, have you been to DC lately?

As I lamented about this expedition to someone yesterday and wondered aloud how I would update my facebook status in the wilderness I heard them say something that is still ringing in my ears, “you may have to go off the grid for a while”. Okay. I can handle this. Really, I can handle this. As a matter of fact, I may return with a new outlook on life.

Last night my son and I did our nightly cuddle routine. I told him I was very excited about going but hoped he would encourage me along the way as I am uncertain that I can keep up the enthusiasm the entire week (yes, week). He listed the positives we would experience, through his eyes, of course: nature, black bears….Ummm….yep. He listed those as positives…… ……rivers, hiking…..uh…still waiting on the positives here, baby…. looking up at the stars, roasting marshmallows over a fire…okay….toy with my emotions by bringing high carbohydrate/high sugar food product into the discussion…..and finally….the one that brought it all back to the reason I really am excited and really do want to take this journey……just us.

Just us….on a new adventure. May I return uneaten by a black bear.