Recently
someone asked me the reason I like and accept everyone. Being the person I am, I asked them to
explain by giving me an example. They
cited an example of my reception of the addicted clients I have worked with for
twenty years. Further, they said that it
seems I accept all the things they say, do and believe.
The
truth, for me, is I do accept
everyone.
I
believe people are going to be who they are going to be. Moreover, I strongly disagree that it is my
place in life to judge who they are. Or
to attempt to mold them into whom I believe they should become.
Instead
of the word acceptance, perhaps, that should be replaced with the word understand.
I
fully understand that people are going to be a product of the environment
they’ve been surrounded with most of their lives. I think of a colleague who told me of a
client who came from multi-generational abuse of the “system”. The client said he was unemployed but he
should be getting “a check” pretty soon because he had been approved for
disability. When asked his disability,
he said, “I don’t know. My mom filed all
that paperwork”.
While
that scenario may make your head shake, it might be further frustrate you to
know that this client didn’t ‘ see anything wrong with that story. As a matter of fact, he didn’t realize there
was anyone that might. The client didn’t
know any “better” behavior because he didn’t know any different.
Addicts
who relapse in treatment or after don’t make me mad. Christians who tell me I’m going to hell
because I am Catholic don’t make me mad.
Society members who don’t know why I counsel people with addiction and
tell me it is a “lost cause” don’t make me mad.
Students who attempt to bait me into debate about a high-voltage topic
in class don’t make me mad. Actually,
there aren’t many situations that do cause me to become angry. And when I do become angry it is usually not
the situation, but my mood when I am involved in the situation.
My
personal opinion, people are innately good.
Do they always act as if they are?
No. Neither do I. Another opinion, less frequently than you
would like to admit, if you are intent on blaming the rest of the world for
your troubles, is that people don't intentionally
attempt to ruin your life. And if by
some possibility, another person is setting out to destroy you, can
they really? I mean, can they if you
don’t let them?
So
often I hear people use phrases that make me cringe. Some of those:
She’s trying to make me
miserable.
I have no choice.
I never, ever
______________________.
I can’t stand
______________________.
You just don’t
understand.
I have no choice (yes, I
put that in there twice).
Those
are places I have been before. I
understand (not accept) people truly believe what they believe. People act out of their wiring. Until they find the tools, information,
opportunities, and reasons to behave differently, why would they? I can tell you why they wouldn’t.
They don’t know how.
They don’t realize they
need to.
They don’t even know other
options are available.
No one taught them.
They don’t know anything
different.
You
may wonder if that means I am co-dependent and let people walk all over me and
act any way they want…while I just smile and go along.
Not
at all. I believe in rules. I am probably more rigid about rules than I
care to be, honestly. If I am providing
continuing education to a group who have rules that state you have to teach 50
minutes of the hour in order to get a certificate of completion, that is what
we do. Even if they don’t want to, even
if I don’t want to.
You
may wonder if that means I have no belief system of my own.
Nope. I have a strong belief system I live by. I teach it to my son. I share it with anyone who is genuinely
curious about it and asks. I vote
accordingly, I act accordingly, I live accordingly. I just don’t ask you to. I don’t believe my place in the world is to
mold you into being me (I said that twice, must be important to me).
How
is it, you may wonder, that I understand but don’t accept all behavior. I understand people are who they are. So I don’t see a need to feel angry -or a need to change them- when they
aren’t what I want them to be. But, I
don’t have to accept that behavior. If
there is a rule in a group that a client cannot be more than ten minutes late,
I adhere to that rule. I understand
people are sometimes late, but if the rule says you can’t be, then I don’t
allow it.
In
my personal life, my choice is not to involve myself with toxic people. Even if I love them, even if I understand
them, even if at one time they were close to me. My choice is not to invite chaos in and not
to allow it to remain if I spot it. If
someone consistently shows me they will only bring pandemonium into my peaceful
life, I don’t continue the relationship.
I believe I get to be the one to chose how and who is in my life. This is an example of the truth for me not liking everyone.
Yes,
there are people who I don’t like. There
are people who irritate me, people who aggravate me, people I wish were
different, people I wish would grow up, people I wish would take responsibility
for their own behaviors and decisions and quit blaming everyone else for their
circumstances…..I understand them but don’t have to include them in my
life.
The
payoff?
I
actually believe this makes my life easier.
I run my life. I help my son make
the best decisions to run his. And that
is about all I can fit on my plate. It
frees up space for serenity. This
deletes sleepless nights of plotting how I can make another person change. It allows me to do more of the things I want
and enjoy.
I
can open my mind to get to know people I might not otherwise. I can carry on conversations and learn from people
very different than me. I can usually be
anywhere, with most anyone and enjoy something about the experience. Why?
Because I don’t walk into a room, go to a city, do work, take on a
challenge that I feel I “have to”.
Instead, I chose those.
And
I don’t do any of the above in judgment of others. And you know what I am talking about. You know someone like this. Or maybe you are someone like this…..walk
into a room saying, “I don’t want to go to this stupid holiday party. I don’t even like anyone. It is going to be horrible. I can’t stand this. I am never going to have fun. I have no choice about going but I am leaving
thirty minutes after we get there”.
Yep. You know this person. And when they walk in (because they don’t
like themselves, not other people) they immediately start picking everyone and
everything a part.
Did you see her shoes?
Can you believe how fat
he has gotten?
Oh, my! He is here with her?
What kind of food is
this? It looks awful.
Did you see the dining
room? The floor looks like it hasn’t
been cleaned in months.
Can you believe what she
just said?
She is trying to make me
mad.
Did you see how he just
looked at me?
That
is exhausting. Stop it.
