Strength

Tonight I attended the first of a series of bereavement recovery groups. One of the things I heard isthat everyone processes through loss differently and that may be part of the reason people do not know what to say to you after a loss. I have had the most difficulty dealing with people who tell me to “be strong”. I am not sure the reason I am so offended by that statement. Perhaps, because for me, it discounts my feelings of sadness as if being sad somehow relates to me being weak. In fact, it is completely the opposite for me. It is when I express my pure, raw, emotion that I feel most strength.

I am grateful I went tonight. I believe for a moment before I walked out the door tonight I considered not going. The one thing I learned in the many years of counseling and recovery is that others who are walking the journey beside you are of the most help. People who have been where you are and have felt what you have felt seem to be the most credible witness.

I feel so much strength from this…..and have such appreciation for this process.

Solutions…..they exist.

No Re-election

I was sad to hear the news this morning that Representative Patrick Kennedy, (D-RI) will not seek re-election. As a fellow traveler on a similar journey as my own he has helped the addiction and mental health field in countless ways. Perhaps, he will continue to assist in the cause, as he indicates in the video message he released this morning, in a different manner.

I remember when I first heard him speak at a NAADAC advocacy conference. His story moved me and caused me to reflect on what I was doing to promote the very field in which I work. I changed my involvement after meeting him. For that, I am grateful.

I wish him well and look forward to meeting the other Representatives and Senators who will take on this important cause.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLzr-4MMyDc

Splendor

"...The radiance which was once so bright is now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass of glory in the flower we will grieve not rather find strength in what remains behind..."

"Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous."

-Margery Allingham, The Tiger in the Smoke, 1956

Nutty Pancakes

I made these today and wanted to share the recipe. I liked them. My 9 year old didn't. But he doesn't like nuts and almond flour does have that crushed nut texture.

Makes 10 Pancakes

1 1/2 Cups Almond Flour
2 Large Eggs
1/2 Cup Club Soda
2 Tablespoons heavy cream

Combine ingredients until blended. Spoon about 2 tablespoons into an oiled hot skillet or griddle. Spread to make a 3-inch circle. Cook as for regular pancakes, turning gently to prevent breaking.

Per serving:
121 Calories
10g Fat
5g Protein
0g Sugar
4g Carb
2g Fiber
Net carbs: 2

I topped mine with blueberries. I also made a topping of pineapple and cream cheese. My son didn't like any of that!

Everyone Hurts

In sadness I find myself isolating. I tell myself stories that I believe. I tell myself that I should be “over it by now” or I should be “moving on by now”. I even tell myself that you – those of you who love me – are tired of my sadness.

This weekend I had coffee with someone who inspires me. She told me two months ago to remember that when I was ready she was available to support me. I took her up on it this week. I will leave out the self-loathing comments relating to my waiting two months to make the move.

I really enjoyed talking with her. She lost someone close a year ago. She told me it is still difficult for her. That was the permission I needed to be exactly where I am today. However, “exactly where I am” changes moment to moment. The last week has been more difficult than the previous two and a half months. But today was a little better.

I dreamt of my mom for the first time on Saturday. I shall not delve into the message I received through that dream but I have to tell you that we were driving a pink Kia Soul with yellow headlights. I told her it looked like one of her favorite drinks, pink lemonade. I think experiencing laughter with her, even if in dreams now, is exactly what I needed.

Late last summer I learned a very important lesson about human nature. I learned that everyone struggles. I learned that everyone has doubts about themselves. At times everyone is fearful that they don’t measure up. Which makes perfect sense to me, as I subscribe to the idea that a sense of belonging, or lack thereof, is one of the biggest driving forces in negative behaviors.

Having reconfirmed that I am governed by the same laws of human nature was a breath of fresh air.

I hurt. I struggle. I grow.